Shame vs Mindfulness

[manuel_moe_g]

OK, will write about Shame message that I am actually dealing with now.

Compared to my wife, I have much less self control, and I wish I had her iron will.

Now, have to admit that she takes "self control" to the level where it actually becomes self-abuse, because she doesn't eat enough or rest enough, for example.

But still, my Shame message is "if I had more self-control I would be a better person, so now I feel it I am a bad person"

The Shame message is so powerful that it cuts me down to the level where I break down. When I am broken down I cannot help myself or help others, so there is nothing good about my broken down state. So I must reject the Shame message because it is too destructive.

Shame message - Get Out!

So what to replace the Shame message with? Because I do feel it to try to be a better person.

The message has to be congruent with: with being self-loving, with being mindful, with being present in the moment, with being accepting, with being do-able, with a spirit of exploration.

So, since we know we want to make it do-able, we know we have to break it into do-able smaller chunks.

So specifically want to start with self-control around eating and exercise. I know how to do this: throw out treats, have healthy snacks throughout the day, small chunks of exercise, use "fit-bit" type thinking and choose small active ways of doing everyday stuff.

Also, an element that I feel some resistance to: logging my struggles and progress, written down.

Lastly, I should give myself credit for the work I already do, and the good results I have already built-up.

Now, shame messages pop up all the time for me. I have mixed-up-thoughts about the words: Humble, Privilege, Deserve, Loving, Good, Moral - and this causes all kinds of shame messages to pop-up.

Another source of shame messages is that shame messages pop up whenever somebody is working to improve themselves. You can think of work to improve oneself like moving rocks, and sometimes a little shame critter crawls out from under the rock one is moving. So be on guard for shame messages popping up.

[snoringdog]

During any kind of enjoyable experience, do you ever get a negative thought flashing up about not "deserving this" or feeling guilty, thinking of so many others on the planet who can't enjoy similar things?

When does this shift from being a basic acknowledgement of the unfairness of life, and becoming an intrusive thought? Seems related to the depressive state.

I've had it both ways...

[manuel_moe_g]

Hi snoringdog,

When I think about the unfairness of life, or my deserving something, I think of myself on a continuum of people, people ahead of me who have things better than I do, and people behind me who have things worse than I do. I think of my position in line as just one part of the unfairness of life. So I think of both directions at the same time.

In the end, I use the thought as a reminder to be compassionate to others, and to be compassionate to myself. I am compassionate to others as a way to be better compassionate to myself, and I am compassionate to myself as a way to be better compassionate to others. Being objective, one implies the other, and vice-versa.

Take care, all the best.

[snoringdog]

Yes, the bell curve. Good way to think about it. And luck and circumstances can change quickly for anyone...

For some reason though, it seems easier to extend compassion to others rather than oneself. Wonder why that is...

[oak]

Awww, this is lovely, Manuel Moe. Thanks for sharing.

I had a very difficult week, and a dear friend at work gave me a word or mantra to repeat: "calm".

Here is a word I offer you: smooth. We're gonna keep this cool. Cool daddy.