Ok, this is a little scary...

[pattywhack13]

Let me start off by saying that I have a large amount of anxiety, and that posting in a place where everybody can read and have the potential to judge me is very very difficult for me.

I am a straight upper-middle-class 21-year-old college student trying to graduate. My family life was a little turbulent emotionally, but the framework for a healthy life was definitely laid by two very loving and in love parents. I know I want to do something creative after I leave school, possibly writing, possibly acting, anything that makes me use my right brain. That's surface level stuff though. You guys came for the icky.

I told you already about the anxiety I suffer from; that I have had all of my life. I'm also depressed, have ADD, and carry an enormous amount of self-hatred and guilt. All four are tightly woven together, which makes it very difficult to function socially and professionally (It's hard to find a job getting out of school, so adding a list of mental disorders doesn't bolster a resume'). My entire life, I thought that the nervousness I felt around other people was just a lack of self-confidence like everybody I reached out to told me it was. I thought that the deep self-loathing I felt was just a response to that lack of self-confidence. I knew about the ADD from an early age, but the depression was more of a thing that existed which could be removed if I just tried harder to solve my own problems. The phrase I often remember hearing from people I reached out to was "Dude, it's like Nike: Just Do It". That didn't help when I didn't do it.

I feel like as I write this that I have to entertain you all to keep you reading...Can you tell I'm self-aware? Anyways:

I was in an emotionally abusive relationship with a girl for three years (the relationship was five years long, the abuse started when we began college). I didn't even realize it was abusive until I looked back on it with some perspective. I tried to reach out for help to her many times, but she often responded by calling me pathetic or telling me that I was being a woman. She had anger issues and would react angrily whenever I mentioned she did something that hurt my feelings. I was a big giver, and now that I say that in textual form, I feel like I sound super biased (I mentioned that my conditions were undiagnosed, so that may have caused her some anxiety. WHOO WHOO! All aboard the Guilt-Train! Next stop: Shame Spiral Station!). I've been told in group that "users find givers"; I feel like I can attest to that being true. I could tell something wasn't right for awhile, and tried to break up with her many a time, but it never took. Let's just say that I'm a sucker for tears. It finally ended this past summer, mutually and badly at the same time (another source of shame; it only ended after she said it was over, almost like I needed permission).

Anyhow, now all I want to do is graduate and have some peace without the constant threat of deadlines looming over my head. I know that's not going to happen, because the world just keeps going if you ever stand still. I recently went on a kick of trying to solve some of this stuff after a nervous breakdown and a self-harm episode. I'm now involved in a support group and I'm going to therapy. I'm in a dark, scary place at the time of this posting, but I know that I need to start peeling back layers of this sickness in order to help myself out. It's hard, but I'm trying.

Thanks everyone for letting me rant, I want to get involved in some kind of community and learn how to interact with people, so I figure a safe online forum might be a good place to start.

Love the show Paul!

[weary]

HI pattywhack13. Welcome. I saw a little of myself in what you wrote, except you are so much more self-aware and perceptive than I was at your age. I know that it's scary to open up - I have a lot of trouble with that, although I have an easier time on here than in real life (but I'm working on it). Good job taking the plunge and I don't think you'll regret it. I think that you will find a lot of people on here who can relate to your experiences - as unpleasant as it is to feel the way you describe, it's not unusual, and you're not alone. I look forward to hearing more from you.

[pattywhack13]

Thanks weary. I don't know what it was, but having you tell me you wanted to hear more from me made me feel really good. I appreciate your attention, and it feels good to know that someone who's older than me has lived through some of the same feelings. I honestly just found out about all of this stuff, it's...overwhelming.

[ironhorse]

I'd just like to say first of all that every single one of us on this site is in the same boat one way or another. We all know what it's like to be judged and wouldn't even think of doing so to a fellow Happy Hour-er(?) I feel confident that our buddy Paul would crucify anyone who responded to you in any negative way. Got that? Good!
Next I'd like to comend you for pulling up your socks and getting the hell out of that relationship! I for one know that it is not easy. I've been around way too many people in my life who play mind games that are specifically meant to make you doubt yourself and basically fuck you up. I too was in a relationship like that. One reason it lasted so long was because he had everything I didn't: a proper family, a house in a good neighbourhood, lots of friends. He used to pin me down and tickle me. Of course I would struggle and it was obvious that I didn't like it even though I was laughing. When I got angry and managed to pop him one, he made me feel bad about it, saying that all I had to do was ask and he'd let me up. Is that fucked up or what? Take a moment while reading this, really think about how good it is to be free of this parasite and take a big deep sigh of relief.
People who haven't experienced the depression thing have no idea what it's like. You can't just 'remove it '. The phrase I hate hearing but people love saying is 'just don't let it/her bother/get to you. It's like telling an arachniphobic to pet the tarantula. 'Just do it, don't let it frighten you!' Here, just touch it. Go on. Do it.' When it hits me out of the blue and I start to spiral, I know that it's my emotions being irrational, but I can't stop the physical reaction. Hell, if I knew it was coming, I could maybe talk myself through it and it wouldn't be so hard. Fortunately for you, you have a few more challenges to work through and no, that wasn't a typo. I'm 37 and have had my share of challenges in life. I used to be EXTREMELY self aware. It was so bad that I would giggle uncontrollably - even around my parents! I've since been able to force that monster down. I look back and realize (and I really hope you do that too) that I took something away and became stronger after every flaming bag of shit life threw at me. Even if it was just a little bit. I'm a much more confident person now (you can probably tell that I'm at a high point right now. Just read the post before yours. That was me-about a week ago. You're only 21 and 'have your whole life to live yet' and you also have a long way to go. You'll come across many many times when you think you can't take it any more. Do this: think back on the last shitty times. What have you learned, how are you stronger? And yes, you will be stronger! Why, because I say so! Really, I could tell just from that one post that you are already a well rounded individual and pretty sharp as well. You will be able to overcome these glitches, and master them. Your ADD will always be there, as will possibly your depression but if you take it one day at a time you can learn how to deal with them.
Knowledge is a powerful thing, in more ways than one. Learn as much as you can about these glitches and about the way the human mind works. The better you understand it, the better you will be able to work with it. I've worked for the past 5 years with a woman who is extremely negative and controlling. It seeps from her pores and is so thick you can almost smell it. She's somewhat narcissistic but not quite. Nothing I can do is or ever will be good enough for her. She has confrontational issues, little to no sense of humour, absolutely no patience and not a spec of self confidence. Over the years I've suffered her agression with tears and blood (literally). My boss has no gonads so he does nothing to stop it. But I finally did some research to learn more about people like her. Now unfortunately she is a number of things all rolled into one, but it made me feel better to learn something about it. I have recently been studying cognitive therapy with a councellor and things are finally beginning to look up. I know this woman will always be a snake and that I can't turn my back for a second, but at least I can cope with the situation more easily.
I hope this long-winded reply did something other than put you to sleep. Stick around and I think we all can see you through this. To me this site is the best thing to come along since the invention of chocolate. And ice cream.
Blah, blah, blah....
good night.

[pattywhack13]

haha I'll take it. Thanks.

[fifthsonata]

Patty - this I can absolutely understand. I received my master's degree last year and worked in the academic world for 7 years until I graduated - then I couldn't get employment in my field and now I've been stuck out of my chosen profession for the past year. While your coping response of choice was anxiety, mine was an eating disorder.

I tell you this because I can relate to the intense emotions, feelings, and intense stress of the work. I've been there and made it through.

I'm absolutely here if you want to talk, even if it's just advice on making the transition from college to the outside world.

You have some big, huge balls to be getting help while still in school. That's a huge dual-stressor - tackling emotional issues while in school. That's a hard transition to make - from personal problems to school. So, many compliments to you. Are you using campus services or professional services?

[pattywhack13]

Yes I am. I've got 504 accommodations, have a therapist, a support group, close friends, and a loving family to lean on. But, even with all of that, It's still one of the hardest things to do, ask for help from any of them. It feels like every single time I open up to anyone, I'm a nuisance, I'm annoying, and I'm utterly tiresome.

I'm also learning which medication is best for my depression (NOT fun stuff at all, finding out which ones work and which don't). It's a dense thing to work through, because so much of it is wrapped up in that self-hate that I struggle to see myself clearly. Everything seems so dense, and I know I'm not right in my thought processes. I've learned so much lately; so much so that I struggle to keep balance and not collapse into my room, isolating myself from the rest of the world. That's the part that scares me the most: it's so easy for me to isolate myself and I feel good when I do that. It's not a good thing for somebody who knows this is the time to go out and experience life, learn about that new restaurant, go to a party, pull a college prank, see a play, etc etc etc. It's rough to go through moments when I'm not connected at all with my peers. Honest to God, I feel like the only college student with these problems, because everybody around me looks like they are having a great time (I know that's not the case, but it certainly looks and feels that way).

I also crave attention. I'll say it. I'm scared sometimes that these posts will become masturbatory (not sexually, but ego-wise). But I also know it's more important to get myself out of my mental den at least once a day to interact with others, so this is better than nothing, right?