Hello!

[PalmcorderYajna]

I just signed up after listening to my first episode of The Mental Illness Happy Hour. The BPD episode was my first but I subscribed because I am a huge fan of standup comedy. I even wish I could be one someday, there aren't many opportunities to do it where I am.

I figure I should let you know a little bit about myself. I am a 22 year old female. I am an artist, a writer, and a musician. I record and write my own songs and play many different instruments. I am going to school for graphic design. I love learning new things. I love music, especially indie pop and folk. My favorites change all the time but I am really into The Mountain Goats, Andrew Bird, and Belle and Sebastian at the moment. I am also transgender. Though I don't see that as a label for who I am. I identify as female, though I was born into a male body. I used to feel a lot of shame but have done a lot of work in order to feel proud of my body and who I am. It can be difficult when you live in a society where you are either treated like a joke or a threat half of the time. I am full time and my previous "male identification" is really not a part of my life other then a distant memory.

I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder about a year ago, though after listening to the BPD episode I would like to look into that as it describes me much better. I have a ridiculous amount of rapid cycling which does not fall in line with criteria for rapid cycling for bipolar. I constantly feel empty. I feel as if people are going to abandon me at any moment. I just hit a depressive episode last night after being fairly hypo-manic for a couple of weeks. I found out I was going to lose the insurance I was on (trigger: abandonment). Last night I cut myself after not doing it for a month. I am getting better at not beating myself up over things like that. Basically, changing my mindset from "I can't believe I cut again, I'm worthless" to "I went a whole month without cutting, and today I can start not cutting again".

I have recently gotten better at remaining productive. I have dreams of making a living off of my art, but often times feel hopeless and lack the motivation. I am working on my first solo album, my graphic design degree, and trying to find employment. I want to live and it makes me so confused sometimes that my brain would tell me I want to die. There is so much I want to do. I have to keep swimming, even though I often times feel like I am drowning.

I grew up with unsupportive and emotionally absent parents. They often times were physically absent as well. This led to me being sexually abused by 3 separate people. 1 of those people went on to sexually assault me in high school when I was 16. I never told anyone. I was too afraid. I felt no support. I didn't feel safe at home. I still don't I live with my father and I feel trapped because I feel like I am never going to get better unless I escape. His emotional abuse is a constant trigger for my depressive episodes. I learned early on that he was always right, I was always wrong. I can't tell him about how the things he says make me feel. My mother is emotionally absent, and all in all, a very mean person. They divorced when I was 7. No one sees what I see, everyone sees my father as some loving old hippie. He isn't.

Speaking of hippies. In an attempt to stabilize my moods I have recently started giving up all substances. I have had 2 alcoholic drinks since june of last year, and I gave up weed 3 weeks ago. I realized it was triggering my depressive episodes.

Anyway, I've shared a lot. I hope this community is supportive as it seems.

[PalmcorderYajna]

I didn't mean that last line in an untrusting way. I was more trying to illustrate a cautious optimism about this being a good place to talk about my mental illness. As I really don't know the community at all.

[PalmcorderYajna]

I wonder if there is an edit button because I wanted to share this and I didn't want to keep making new replies. Last night before I decided to cut. I found a bottle of old anti depressants I was supposed to throw out but didn't (not for any deep reason, I am just forgetful and disorganized). Bupropion XL, if anyone is curious. I just keep getting closer and closer in testing out suicidal behaviors. I kept pouring all 90 pills into my hand. And then putting them back.

I am afraid that I am going to have a severe mood swing and someone isn't going to be there, or I will not be able to distract myself. And I will just kill myself, with no warning and no note or anything.

[ScottMentalPod]

Just out of curiosity... do you feel more depressed in the Winter time?

[PalmcorderYajna]

I'm always way worse in the winter time. I still have mood swings but they are not as severe. And I generally don't get suicidal in the summer, even at my worst. My brain basically likes to combine SAD with whatever else is going on up there. I had the good fortune of being born in rural vermont. Where the winters are so long and bad that sometimes you can't leave the house even if you wanted to.

[ScottMentalPod]

Do me a favor... Go to Walmart or a hardware store & spend $15 on a light bulb that provides at least 2500 Lux (Lumen). Then sit next to it for the 2 days. Let us know if it helps. If it doesn't, it's 1 less bulb you need to buy.

It takes a lifetime to get a handle on your physiology (brain chemistry). If this tip helps at 22, you have a lifetime of less misery. My own person view: less lows means less highs which means less drama which means less stress which means less BiPolar.

[ColemanSilk]

I don't know if this is possible in rural Vermont, but when you are in a "good" period you should research crisis centers and/or which hospitals in your area are best-equipped for mental health issues.

For example my primary care doc told me that my closest hospital sucks with mental health, but a hospital just a couple miles further away has a dedicated mental health emergency section. So if I get the suicidal urge I know where to go--this is not the kind of thing you want to research when you're already in crisis mode.

[PalmcorderYajna]

I'll give the bulb thing a shot. Do I need a special lamp. Thanks. I do have numbers down for local hospitals as well and I have a great (mental health care) relationship with my therapist. I also am lucky to be pretty self aware so I at least am able to recognize when I am having a mood swing.

[ScottMentalPod]

2500 lumens supposedly works which you get a basic LED bulb for $15 at a Walmart or your local hardware store. But ideally you want 10,000 lumens light which you get off Amazon for around $50. Also try deep breathing when you get that *sigh* feeling.

Prescriptions are definitely ideal but any non-prescription healthy habits you can figure out about yourself, the better. I'm 40+ and I'm still trying to improve. It took my entire 20s to finally get a handle on things. A low-stress-well-paying job and low-stress-wife definitely helped!