Hey there (F.I.N.E.)

[kaitlyn]

So I'm 19, bisexual, female. I work at a library which is awesome most of the time as it allows me flexibility with my ever shifting moods and energy. (One of the women I work with is actually devoutly christian/traditional marriage/pastor which makes for some... interesting conversation.) I also go to nursing school which allows me no flexibility with anything and I love it but it makes me so stressed out. I'm perpetually scared I'm going to fail and I have no back up plan.

I play music and write songs and go to shows when I can afford the gas money. Mood swings are hell to my self-esteem and right now I can't see myself ever doing anything that doesn't suck.

I am forever in denial about my symptoms and I can't tell the difference between my diagnosis and myself which is, as you probably know, pretty shit. Oh, so for diagnosis, I'm bipolar (nobody has told me a distinction between I and II yet) and I am on Lamictal and Wellbutrin. Today I am contemplating quitting my meds although last time I tried I got so sick I went back on after a couple days so... typical I guess, I quit a few times a year, usually when depressed even though every time I go back on them I pledge allegiance to the mighty medication monster. My bipolar I and experienced friend suggested maybe I am rapid cycling but for now I will not believe give that any credence at all, I think I just am having normal mood swings.

I see a therapist (who I am considering leaving) and a psychiatrist (who likes to give me antidepressants I probably don't need). I live with my parents and brother and sister. My family is very religious and socially awkward. For example my parents asked me "Do you like boys?" about four times a year until I finally broke down and said nothing which lead to a week of silence followed by an email telling my mom I "liked boys and girls." Hows that for coming out?

I have wasted enough of your time. "Enjoy life," I said cynically to a nation of blind paper people.

[oak]

Welcome! I am glad you posted. Good to learn about you!