I found out about Paul's show from listening to the Nerdist Podcast. I think that the show is a great tool to help people deal with mental illness, whether their own or for people they may know. I tend to talk in broad, general terms because when I personalize I feel like I'm being narcissistic (sp?) and not considering other people's needs or feelings. I feel this, yet also try to be a people pleaser. It probably stems from my sister's drug abuse problems while I was growing up.
My sister had her first kid when I was five years old and had two more when I was seven and nine, respectively - each with different men who are not in the picture. Her drug problems created an unstable environment at home because she was constantly in and out of my parents house. We move her out, we move her back in, repeat. She manipulated me against my parents on occasion and that made me bitter towards her. She had me babysit her kids and tell me I was in charge, but would yell at me if I told her that her kids weren't perfect angels - "Well, you should know better! You're older!" Fuck you! I'm still a kid! (At least, that what I would've like to have said).
I also realized (after venting on a blog of mine one night) that I had some unknown animosity towards my parents for how this all went down. I am bitter that my sister constantly came back into the house and created so much chaos, but at the same time my parents allowed it to happen. To this day, my sister and her kids still mooch off of my parents. And all I could think when I was venting is that I was not allowed to screw up when I was a kid. My parents looked down on my sister so much that I felt like I had to overcompensate and be "the good kid." I did not want to screw up or my parents wouldn't love me just like they didn't love my sister. That's how it felt. And now I feel like I have an open wound that is healing because I had never thought about that before. This revelation may not have occurred without this podcast and could have manifested in terrible ways in the future. I recently got married and want to address all the problems I can before I start a family with my lovely and extremely supportive wife.
....Yeah, that's it for now.
