My name is really Marcus and that's fine to use.
I've been listening to Paul for about a year now and really enjoy the show. Some of the guests really capture my attention but every once in awhile, not so much. The survey's are cool and often enjoy hearing others comment on stuff I know. I've also realized during this past year that more and more of the surveys strike me as "Been There, Done That, it SUCKS". I am so happy to be able to see that I no longer am in some of those places. There is hope!About me. Some people think I'm really interesting and fun. I didn't used to think so but maybe they saw something I didn't. I have been diagnosed with just about everything under the sun over the last 40 years. I'm only 51!. Been through the bi-polar bit but that wasn't right. Histrionic PD was a fun one. PTSD was close. Actually PTSD is still part of the picture. Major depression with horrible anxiety gave me Bi_polar II, Generalized Anxiety and related stuff. But the diagnosis that finally made me relax and made sense was DID. Dissociative Identity Disorder used to be called Multiple Personality Disorder. The day we finally determined that the DID was the root of the mess was such a relief. FINALLY! I knew, to my core, that I had found the answer.
Learning I had DID was the easy part. Learning why I had it was the awful part. I had suppressed so many memories that all of a sudden started coming back. The flashbacks were horrible and terrifying. The sexual abuse by the father (my father) came out. OMG what a mess. But it all made sense. The work was intense. The fall out at times was horrible. Switching personalities and not having any control over what was happening. The nightmares, the images that would just appear in front of me - all of it sucked. But I kept at it and I stayed sober. Now I am glad I did. The guidance of a fantastic therapist has made it possible to reclaim my "life" such as it is. And getting clean and sober made it all possible.
I confronted the father and the mother about what happened. They deny any part of it but I know the father knows the truth. He isn't a very good lier. But now there is peace. I have spoken the truth - to my entire family. I have been HEARD! People Listed To ME / US! Whether they believe me or deny it is theirs. I am free of the nightmares. I'm still learning to undo the beliefs and behaviors that have ruled my life that came from that abuse. Every day is a little bit freer. Today I am down to only four alters / personalities that are conscious with me. We like it this way and if any of them ever decide they want to integrate or "go inside" as they call it, they are welcome to do so. And if they don't, that's fine too. They are happy and loved and that is what matters.
And Love.
I have never known the love that came with coming together and learning who we are. That feeling is so wonderful, so deep and so fulfilling I don't have words to say anything better. If this is what they mean by "loving yourself" then it really is the greatest love of all. So that's the main stuff for now. My life has always been a challenge and that hasn't changed. It is however, not leaving me nearly comatose from depression any more and not living with that is one of the best things in life.
=Marcus
