First of all, thanks for the kind words, guys, it means a lot
I do however assure you that I am boring. I don't get out and do very much, which is what I meant. I'm a total homebody. Boring might not be the right word- coward, maybe? I don't go out because I've got intense anxiety in social situations, but it's not really a Fear of Rejection sort of anxiety, it's a bit stranger. I don't like going out or being around people because it's a reminder that I'm unable to really connect with people. It triggers a depression, and my fear of this depression is where the anxiety comes from. When I'm depressed, like, really depressed, I hurt people, and I know it. Caring, compassionate people like you guys and other people in my life try and help and just can't, and I know this hurts people, and it kills me. I'd rather be dead than inflict that kind of suffering on people around me.
But okay, maybe boring wasn't the right word choice. I can be properly entertaining when I'm around people, and I often am. I've managed to charm people into having sex with/dating me even though I'm
far from attractive, so clearly there's something there. But I don't feel any connection. It's like I'm putting on a show. I feel like the world is my audience, that people like me and want to be around me when I'm on, but once the curtains come down or I flub my lines, I'm forgotten about completely. Do any of you guys know that sort of feeling? Because that's what I feel like I'm doing when I'm posting stuff like this- being a Song and Dance Man. I want to learn how to connect with people on a more real level.
You are not alone about mental images of a body part going away. While not exactly the same, I have little emotional attachment to my left leg. I know it is objectively a part of me in reality, but it doesn't feel like part of me. - oak
Haha, I find this interesting. Like, why your left leg? Are you consciously opposed to it? I mean- is it just a sort of indifference to that part of your body, or are you like, "Man,
fuck left legs," and constantly aware of it?
Congratulations on finding sobriety and especially as such a wonderful age. As a 31 year old still struggling with addictions myself, I commend you on your bravery and fortitude. I was actually around your age when mine started getting worse and it took a long time to get through the mud at the bottom. Your ability to surface and spill your guts here just proves what strength you have and I have no doubt there are a great many other strengths inside you as well just waiting for the opportunity to come to the fore.
And hey, you're precious! I don't mean that in a demeaning way, I mean you really are a precious thing in this world and don't give up. Glad you are here. - Wren
Thanks a lot for the support and kind words, friend! Addictions are a pain in the ass. They flatten your life out. It's infuriating. I know how hard it is to be where you are, and I wish you all my love in battling your demons, man. I don't know you, but just based on the fact that you're up and fighting for sobriety at 31 proves that you're not the kind of person who's going to give up. Wish you all the love <3
First - you are a writing, even if you are not producing because
well, i read your post -you have talent, you put up a catchy attention grabbing title and you have a keenly developed self-deprecating voice in your post that indicates hidden and deeper self that is educated, intelligent, instinctive and very observant.
Do you journal? if not - you should.....
as to why you don't write - I find that interesting to wonder.
you have talent, voice, a lot of background material in your past, a job that doesn't drain your time to write.
So, one of the first things you say is you are a writer who doesn't write...why? -Cinnamon
Well, I should clarify. I'm a writer who doesn't write... much. I was in university for a number of years and focused on that, until about four-five months ago when I decided it wasn't for me and dropped out to try and become a writer full time. In that span I've managed to produce, like, three short stories. It isn't a lot. The problem is that I'm very hard on my writing and destroy most of what I produce, and when I can't think of anything that interests me thematically I can go weeks without writing a sentence... I don't have the discipline to write even when I don't want to or can't think of anything to write. That said, in the short span I've been trying to do this seriously, I have had one short story published (well, the volume comes out in December, but I'm going to be in it), and Charles de Lint and Larry Beinhart have both read my stuff and were over the top with their praise. The weird thing is that none of this makes me happy, haha. Like, the first thing I ever submitted got published nationally, but the acceptance letter might as well have been a phone bill for how excited I was, and then two professional authors tell me I should write for a living, and it just makes me blush... I don't know how to take praise, haha.
Anyway I am sort of writing these days. I've got an idea for a novel I really want to write but writing a novel takes a lot of hard work. I'm not really sure what it's going to be when/if I'm done with it, but at the moment it's going to be an expression of the complexity of language and how alienating it can be to some people, by telling the dual story of a Sumerian clerk with an eidetic memory who is made obsolete by the invention of cuneiform, and his reincarnation as boy with autism. It's... going to be tricky.
For some, very smart people, an artistic endeavour can be as therapeutic as therapy - Cinnamon
Honestly I don't find writing that therapeutic. When I'm writing there's this voice that's like, You're supposed to be good at this why aren't you good at this? Be better at this. You suck.
You've got a cute mug, mister. I do the self deprecating around here.
Anyway thanks for welcoming me, guys. Lots of love <3
