Hello

[gypsyroseme]

Hi, all--

I'm a big fan of the podcast and really appreciate...well, just the fact that it exists. Even if it's hard for me to truly accept the kind words and deeds of other people, it's still good to hear that I'm not alone. It's possible to know something intellectually while at the same time feeling that the opposite is true...so, it's good to hear and be told that I'm not alone, even if I feel completely isolated.

I've been in sort of a "mood" lately...I don't really know what to call it. I'm away at college, and this whole semester I've had this feeling that any bit of drive or ambition I might have had is just gone. As such, I can't seem to get any work done. I'm so horrified and embarrassed by this situation, and I'm really upset with myself--I've been able to be a good student and do what I should in the past, why can't I do it now? What's wrong with me? But even the smallest task seems insurmountable to me right now, so that the only thing I seem to be capable of doing is sitting in my armchair, huddled in a blanket, watching British sitcoms on Hulu.

Just today I've accepted the fact that I'm probably depressed again. I didn't get out of bed until around four o'clock, and when I woke up, I cried because I was just so disgusted with how lazy I am and that I have no idea where my life is going (despite the fact that I've identified that I want to go into a field I love and have a strong support in one of my professors). I don't want to fail my courses, but if I don't pull it together, I might. It's like I can see the train coming, but can't summon the energy to get off the tracks.

Leaving school right now is not really an option. I already had to leave school mid-semester in spring of 2010, after having a major depressive episode. I was suicidal, and had a couple of stints in the hospital, one following an actual attempt. I came back to school this year really wanting to just go ahead and get back to finishing my degree. I knew that I wasn't fully "better" (whatever that means), but, since I've been struggling with anxiety and depression my whole life, I knew that I would have to plow ahead, and learn to live and deal with anxious and depressed feelings. I know that's probably not the best thing I could be doing for myself, but I despair of ever really getting over my depression...if I waited to do at least try to accomplish anything until I got "better," I'd never do anything. Anyway, I don't want to have to leave school AGAIN and put trying to build my adult life on hold for yet another year or two. I've had so many stops and starts just in trying to get my BA that I am loath to leave school again.

Sigh. I've gone and written a book. Sorry, all. Mostly I'm sorry that it's all negative. As for the stuff about me that's not clouded in depression, I'm 26, and am a philosophy major and theatre minor in college. I'm more interested in theatre, and want to be a dramaturg (theatre historian) or theatre professor when I grow up. I'm a giant nerd who likes reading, writing, and writing about what she's read, particularly if what I've read is about musical theatre. I also love films and try to watch one a day, usually before I go to bed. I'm also a HUGE anglophile (hence the British sitcoms) and worship regularly at the Church of PG Wodehouse; I've never been to Britain, but would of course love to go someday. This past year away from school, I worked at a vintage store and learned so much about fashion, music and pop culture--it's one of the more valuable experiences I've ever had. I came away with a lot of great stuff, too...I remember joking to my mom at one point, "wow, I have all this interesting stuff! Now all I have to do is become an interesting person." That I might actually be interesting or at all worthwhile is hard for me to accept, sometimes.

Sigh, again. All right, I'm done covering the internet in sad, sad words. Thank you for reading this, even if you just skimmed straight to the end. I guess I didn't realize just how much I needed to say.

[frogspit]

Whew, now don't you feel better! Focus baby, focus, if you must stay in school then at the very, very least resign yourself to get up and go to class. Drag yourself up brush your teeth and just show up. It really doesnt matter If you can even follow along with the lectures right now. You will probally miss a few assignments and your GPA may suffer but it will be okay in the end.
I often think of being in a storm cellar during a tornado ( finger of GOD for earth shakers out on the west coast). You know the storm is right there and its deadly with the power to wipe you out, but you also know that it has to end some time and if you can just take care of yourself in the meantime you will be able to crawl your butt up from the ground and live another day.
Be good to yourself and god made deodorant for a reason!
AMY

[Moon Unit]

Gypsyroseme,

I get it and I've been there and frogspit is right. If you can just drag your butt to class and get into the material. The longer the lull the harder it is to get back to it. I had a heck of a time getting my B.A. and often only did a half course load because I just couldn't handle a full one. You can do this! You've already made it this far. I know how that paralysis feels. The only cure is to get into your work and it will come much easier. The hardest part is getting started but you have to do it. Don't self sabotage. I've done that as well. Take care of yourself! If you are depressed, please get help. You deserve to be happy and achieve your goals.

[gypsyroseme]

Thanks, frogspit and Moon Unit, for your kind words and advice! I really did feel loads better just getting it all out last night; in fact, tonight I went to the library and finally finished an essay that was waaay overdue. It's such a load off--both the work and having a place to just let it all out. I guess blathering in itself can be therapeutic. I still don't know if I'm completely "better," but right now I am.

Thanks again, both of you.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Gypsyroseme,

Welcome. And don't apologize, your entry was awesome. You sound like a really smart, interesting woman. You reminded me of my days as a theatre student. Performing Tom Stoppard and having NO idea what some of it meant. Lots of angst and self-doubt, but also an exciting heady time. And the things I thought impossible turned out to not be impossible. Difficult? Yes. Scary? Yes. Embarrassing? Yes. And most of the pain was ultimately enlightening in some way or another.

Hang in there. Thanks so much for coming to the forum and listening to the podcast. One of my fears is that I'm getting too old for people your age to be able to relate to, so when I read an email like yours, its really nice. Especially coming from a fellow theatre nerd.

Paul