Hello everyone!

[vampedvixen]

I'm new here. Currently I'm working on getting healthier mentally though it feels as if each step I take forward costs me two backwards. I recently got out of an abusive relationship with my ex-fiance which lasted two and a half years off an on. Before that, I was homeless. Before that I was a child of an alcoholic family and lost my father, mother and sister to cirrohsis all in the past five years, all before the age of 30. I only have one sister remaining now, but she's heavy into cocaine and abusing my financially because she was put in charge of my parent's estate (which is why I ended up homeless because she kicked me out once she gained power over our childhood home while I was still living there). God, I could tell you stories...

I'm having a pretty bad week right now. My head is so fucked up right now. It keeps telling me that I was better in some of the abusive environments that I've been in. At least I wasn't living in poverty when I was living with my parents (my father was paid well at his job though he was a functioning alcoholic). And I keep thinking that I'm getting too old and too fucked in the head to meet anyone decent now, so I can't ever have a family again and I can't ever see my parent's in my newborn's eyes now, so maybe I should have just accepted the abuse my ex-fiance was dishing out and kept my mouth shut. How fucked up is it that being abused might have been the best case scenario?! Fuck my fucking brain, man.

If I can ever bring myself to finish it, I'm working on a memoir of my times being homeless, dealing with the several deaths in my family and how I lived through a very rocky emotionally, physically and verbally abusive relationship. If I could tell my story, at least there might be SOME point to my life.

I'm off to my support group now, but thank you for reading if you got this far and thank you all for creating what seems like a safe place to talk about the things we've been through.

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello vampedvixen, welcome to our little forum!

You have evidence that your standard for how other people treat you is rising, which means you are taking better care of yourself. Which make me happy, because you deserve better than abuse.

Please take care, all the best, we here are cheering for you and for your greatest today and tomorrow!

[vampedvixen]

Thank you. I keep trying to remember that it's progress and not perfection, but my life seems very empty right now. My family is all gone and many friends have deserted me after I stood up against my ex because he had a really good public face in the community. The friends who I have stayed close to are all the married sort. I'm the only one single in my group now and it just gets tiring watching everyone end up with a spouse, kids, a house, ect.. while I'm here just trying to get the doubts in my head to shut the hell up. Sigh..

[riotghoul]

vampedvixen,

It's so tough when you don't have the support network of family or friends around. Is your support group helping a lot in that respect? and I sincerely hope that this week is better than when you posted.