This hurts.

[whenitpainsitrours]

I need to take control of my life and get my feelings and emotions in order.

I came to this forum searching for information about medications. I have been blindly taking prescription meds for 4 years now and would like to quit taking them. I know what I will have some hard withdrawl symptoms.

This forum seems like a good place for resources and to talk somewhat anonymously. I'm really going to let some stuff out below. Some is stuff that I have always wanted to tell someone to but never had someone I trusted and some stuff that I have talked to with someone.

I don't see a therapist now but I have seen 2 within the past 5 years. I haven't seen a doctor in over 2 years. I have not done much "self work" lately I have been coasting.

I love booze, sex, and weed. I am always afraid to tell a therapist about my love for these because I don't want to quit any of them. I would give up booze to keep sex and weed but I cant see myself giving up both sex and weed.

I smoke weed daily 3-7 times per day.

I am a workaholic and work 50-70 hours/week

I drink almost daily at work and some days I get drunk and sober up after I get home.

I never want to tell a therapist or someone who would tell me this is bad for me about the above.

I also take Sertraline (zoloft) SSRI and Welbutrin daily.

My goal is to drink alcohol only when I want to (not to feel better), to smoke weed only to enjoy (because it has some magical powers on depression and anxiety) and reduce or quit taking the pharmacutecials.

I have a lot of addictions and I know that I am trying to numb out greater pain.

Mental Pain is like physical pain sometimes I feel my sole is my knee being ripped apart and all I can do is cry in pain and rage.

Suicide has been on my mind for a very long time, since I was very young. In addition to my deep lows and I do feel love and it is love that I feel for some of my family and friends that makes suicide a non option for me.

There was a point in my life where I would act reckless because I didnt care if I would die or not. I know longer feel this way because I am slowly becoming happier.

I have been thinking that I need to get my life together for a while.

My girlfriend who I love is most likely moving away, permanently for a job. I have a job that I love and moving would not be an option so our relationship will terminate. As I process this, I realize that instead of numbing out like I always do that I need to continue making myself better, as being with her was like therapy for me. This realization is what made me come to this forum for a resource base.

This is the first time I have admitted to most of the things in this post. I try to put on a face of a proud person with my shit together. I hope that I can stay true to my desire to clean my life and be with myself rather than numb out.

[Fargin]

You're starting a process or preparing yourself to, getting honest with yourself is as big a deal, as getting honest with someone else.

Numbing and faking perfection it is so damn hard work, been doing it all my life. Letting your guard down for other people is one thing, letting your guard down for yourself is something else, but I have to say, I practicing standing up for myself and to myself, is starting to make me feel like a person, rather than a shell. The only way I was able to get back in touch with my emotions was to stop numbing out and when I began respecting my emotions, I slowly learned, that they were not as dangerous as I believed, but it took time facing them.

Best of luck and don't be discouraged by setbacks, even thought numbing out is starting to hurt you, numbing out kept you alive until you were ready to heal.