Hello everyone. Angry ex christian here. (Foul language)

[Walldo]

Hello everybody, my name is Paul, I've struggled with depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember and I have an ax to grind with the tenets of Christianity, specifically fundamentalist baptists. Below is actually a post I made on the forever alone and depression sub reddits today, but I thought it summed up my struggle pretty succinctly so I thought I would share it here. I don't mean to offend anyone with my stance on religion, or with my language, I just sincerely feel as though it is responsible for a lot of my struggles as an adult. Aside from being sad and afraid all the time, I keep busy with photography, animals , playing my electric guitar at unreasonable volume, and tinkering on my old car as well as other things. I've listened to the podcast since it's beginning, and it has been a real source of encouragement for me in my darkest hours. I hope there are other people on this forum who can relate to my struggles. If there is anyone else on here who also uses photography as an escape from their troubles I would really love to hear from them.

I was raised by my mother who has been married three times. Once to an alcoholic, who is me and my two brothers father, once to a physically sexually and verbally abusive narcissistic cunt-maggot, and 11 years and counting to a fundamentalist baptist preachers kid.

Now, the funny thing about all of this is, that during the nine years we spent with Mr. Cunt-Maggot(lets call him CM for the sake of brevity) the whole happy family attended a "church" that by any reasonable definition of the word could be considered a cult. During this time we were subjected to the usual conservative homeschooling quiverfull young earth dominionist bullshit. However, the two key ideas that were really crammed down me and my brothers throats were one man for one woman, and that purity pledge bullshit. The other real mindfuck was that we were home-schooled, and subsequently socially isolated except for spending time with other members of the aforementioned cult. I was taught to feel extreme guilt and shame about both my body, and my sexuality for my entire childhood, while being verbally denigrated and sexually objectified by my step father who would throw in the occasional beating for good measure. The details of the sexual abuse are hazy to me, as I think my young mind erased them mostly from my memory. I mostly have flashbacks of seeing my stepfathers erect penis, and him forcing me to bend over and spread my butt cheeks before taking a bath with him and my brothers to "make sure I was clean". My oldest brother just shuts down whenever I bring this up, and my middle brother denies any abuse and just says it "wasn't that bad". I'm going to go ahead and let you figure out which of my brothers is still deeply religious. Eventually, the abuse got bad enough that my mother decided to divorce dear old CM. She got her self a job, but refused to send my brothers and I to public school, because god forbid we actually get an education. So, she relied on my brothers and I to educate ourselves. I was 12 at the time. So from the age of 12 to around 19, when I was finally able to pass my GED, I was self educated. I suppose it's not all bad, because all three of us were able to attend college and get degrees. Although, I never had much bearing on what I should do with my life as I was never able to see a career counselor, and the only advice I got was from my mothers current husbands father who suggested I go to bible college and become a youth minister. No thanks.

I guess I'm getting a little ahead of myself, so allow me to backtrack a bit. My mother stayed single, and never dated (it is a sin, after all), for several years and eventually through a mutual friend met the preachers kid (lets call him PK) who she remains wed to. The preachers kid was a self employed life long bachelor in his mid thirties who only ever had one girlfriend whom to the best of my knowledge he eventually broke up with because she was a bit too "worldly". He lived alone for around twenties years in a tiny one room cabin behind his auto-body repair shop. He married my mother as a virgin in his late thirties. The only reason I know this is because of an awkward "talk" he had with my brothers and I about sex.... at least I think that's what it was about. If this all sounds kinda fucked up, it's because it is. Don't get me wrong PK is a kind and gentle man, who really did everything knew how to make life good for my brothers and I. It really bothers me when I think about all those needlessly lonely years he spent abstaining from sex and intimacy. I really do consider him a victim as well. Needless to say we attended a fundamentalist baptist church that PK's father started and turned over to another like minded fear monger and spreader of disinformation. Mind you, my brothers and I thought PK's church was the cat's tits, because they had a youth group, and a gymnasium, and.... well that's pretty much it. The cult always taught that no good could ever come from separating people based on age, and that youth groups were an all around bad idea. While PK's church seemed more liberal than the cult at the time, they still taught young earth creationism, and even separated the boys from the girls on occasion to give us a good old fashioned abstinence only sex education, oh boy! To make a long story short, I eventually went to a local college for liberal arts. Somehow through the fog of intense social anxiety, and cognitive dissonance, I realized that there are other people out who have different ideas than I do and they may actually be right, crazy huh!?! It was attending an upper level discussion based philosophy class, and an into level astronomy class that made me realize that this whole bible thing might not be all it was cracked up to be.
I'm really sorry for all the rambling, I guess the long and short of what I'm trying to ask is if there is anyone else who has a similar story to mine and would like to share. I'm currently a 27 year old socially retarded atheist virgin who hates everything about himself. I'm surrounded by christians who think that I could be happy and fulfilled if I just come back to jesus. No matter how I try I cannot shake the negative feelings I have towards relationships and physical intimacy. I've had a few opportunities to have intimate relationships, and even no strings attached sex, but I'm too overcome with anxiety and shame to follow through with anything. I even went back to school for psychology a couple of years back to try and better myself, and maybe form some meaningful relationships with like minded people. pretty much all of my relationships disintegrated due to people moving away, and my inability to be a good friend. I eventually had a nervous breakdown, after changing my major from new media design, to studio art, and dropped out. The few friends I had left I pretty much cut contact with because my shame for dropping out. It's not like I had bad grades or anything, I was on the presidents list every semester, I just figured if I couldn't have love in my life than there was no purpose in pursuing higher education. Also, there's really no future with a studio art degree. I've been working a dead end manual warehouse job now for just over a year where I am alone for the majority of the day. I can feel my life slipping away a bit more everyday. I got the job from a close friend of my stepdad, who is also a fundi christian. I'm not going to lie. I don't like most of my co workers, they're mostly older, and christian, and boring.

I should also probably point out that I have some physical health problems, a condition called Hypogonadism which means my body pretty much makes zero testosterone, which lead me to not go through puberty till I was around 19 and caused my body to form breast tissue at around the age of 13. My boy boobs were bad enough that our insurance company deemed surgical removal medically necessary when I was 18. I'm also just starting to pull out of my third deep depressive episode (thanks Welbutrin) in which I was as close to suicide as I've ever been. Though I'm not feeling as shitty as I was, I still think about putting an end to my life sometimes. Part of me sticks around because I do still love my family, and I know it would really hurt them if I put the barrel of a .12 gauge in my mouth and pulled the trigger, and part of me sticks around just to spite them. It's really hard not to be anything but resentful towards my mother for the things she put me through. I feel as though the best part of life has been stolen from me, and it's too late to get it back. Any of your thoughts would really be appreciated. If anyone has a similar story, I hope this makes you feel a little less alone.

PS. I'm sorry for my bad grammar. I have a touch of a hangover, and the majority of my English education as a kid was copying verses from the bible. I'm surprised I don't write with "thees" and "thous" ..

[rc409]

As far as being offended, I am stealing "cunt-maggot" as my own. Well done.

Welcome. I match up with almost every disorder listed here except the ones that pregnant ladies get. Being a 50 year old dude, those few specific ones dont happen to me.

You've got an amazing brain, and a great writing style.

Lets stick around and beat those fuckers by having great lives???

[oak]

Thanks for sharing.

I am sorry you are suffering so. But I must say that it was well written and compelling.

I think you're going to be okay. You are able to take serious matters seriously, and also know how to see the humor in very dark matters.

Yeah, a college degree is indeed of dubious value, but I'd not want to be without one. As far as studio art, yeah, that is a tough job market. Not impossible, but certainly tough. I think SEO and HTML could be a good fit for art careers, going forward.

I hope you don't put that gun in your mouth. Instead I encourage you to post here, or reddit, or do just about anything. You can make it through.

As far as being a 27 year old virgin, been there. And oh does it suck. I was one until 30, and oh boy did the regret and loss hurt. The good news is that there is plenty of hope for men who intend to lose their virginity. There are excellent resources out there. Like work, health, or finances, success in dating and sexuality is a matter of habits. If you are interested, I can pm you some resources that helped me. There is absolutely hope. Definitely. 100%.

Thanks again for posting. I hope things continue to get better for you.

[Walldo]

Thanks so much for your kind replies guys. I have a lot of difficulty accepting compliments, but I'll try to tuck those away for a rainy day. I can't tell what a good feeling it is to be heard and understood by people who care, and don't have an agenda to push. As far as sending me resources goes I would love any and all of what you have to offer. Sorry for not referring to you both directly. I'm still trying to figure how to use this forum's UI, it's a bit different from others I've been on.

[rc409]

Your story interested me as I come from the exact opposite with regards to religious. I grew up in a state, ran by a cult, and was never involved. I was an outsider from day one.

As a kid I was ok to play with (real play, not like THAT!), to a certain point, but due to my lack of religion, that point happened pretty damned early.

Interesting how perspective changes. Back then, I assumed those inside had it made. Now I see stories like yours, and others, and realize this is not so.

The suicide thing. Went for it, seriously, three years ago. It turned into a blessing as I was finally properly medicated, after. It would have been easy to try another Dr, or check myself in somewhere.

During the attempt, I go into a gun store to buy bullets. I had some shells, but they were old. I thought how horrible I'd feel having a misfire, and could not risk it. I asked for a box of .357magnum....."Sir, there is a 10 day wait for those. We are out of stock..."

Still, I found a way.

Now, the bullshit part. Ill tell the story sometime, but I felt a thousand times better after two weeks. So, really now, how bad was it in the first place?

Waldo, the world as a whole would be a sadder place if that brain of yours stops functioning. Lets stayhere and see what tomorrow brings. It might be good.