Hello. I suck.

[eocean]

Hi. I'm E. I'm 48. The older I get the less I feel like I know how to live and communicate with others at all. I am in one of the worst places in my life inside my head (and soul). I have absolutely no idea how to make money. I'm not bringing in anything and my wife is taking care of everything. I was let go at my last long standing job in spring 2014. Let go because mentally I could no longer do the work. Now - the thought of working for someone else seems like an impossibility to me. I have been looking and have been on interviews. But for the past 2-3 weeks I have pretty much just given up. I do not believe that I can work anywhere. I have less than zero confidence if that is even possible. I feel so stuck. The only thing I can imagine doing is maybe being an uber driver - no direct boss, own hours, etc. But my vehicle is not new enough to work for them. Anyway - thanks for letting me share. And if I did anything wrong here - posted in the wrong spot whatever - I'll try to do better next time. Love.

[rc409]

HEY! I dont think you suck, so take that..I think you might have a cool, supportive spouse who does not expect you to be a millionaire.

I had to make a trip to the landfill yesterday, at 100 degrees. I thought how much the job there would suck. The I saw the workers laughing and having fun. Then I envied them....

Two and a half years ago I killed myself over losing a job. I get the death credit since I was dead long enough to do damage to my lungs and such. Complete 180 degree turn on what I do for a living, and I'm way better off now.

There are tons of driving jobs that furnish a vehicle. If you go in taking about how safe you are, your hired.

Also, I know the last company I worked for poached every new employee from the people who delivered parts to us.

[manuel_moe_g]

Hey eocean, welcome to our little forum. This is a place to not feel so along. We don't think you suck.

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Please take care, you don't deserve the suffering that you are going through right now. Keep the lines of communication open.

[eocean]

Thank you people for your kind words. It just keeps getting darker with me of course. I should just write a 5000 word memoir and post it just to get it out there. Ha. I drink and use every day. So getting a driving job for someone else is an impossibility as they are all VERY into drug checking you regularly. So why don't I stop? Yeah.... ok. I've been an addict in some form or other since I was 3 years old. And a drunk user with lengthy periods of program sobriety and non-program sobriety for going on 30 years. Seems the older I get, the less I care, which makes the prospect of stopping just ridiculous. But I still want to stop. But then I think back to how severely depressed I was during my last 8 year sobriety stint.....and I'm just gone. Just lost. E

[manuel_moe_g]

It is good that you want to stop drinking and using. All the best to you.

[rc409]

You KNOW this, I know you do, but all good alcoholics (like you and I) get seriously-goddamn-never-more-depressed-than-I-am-now depressed when we drink. Then repeat it the next day, hoping for a different result. I had such a love/hate relationship with that cycle.

Then next might sound like advise. Its not, its my story.

For me, for me , and for me, The program was a huge pain in the ass. There was a benefit there, and if it helps please dont turn away, but the benefit was over as soon as I left the doors.


Remember back then we were depressed because we drink, and thats the solution..stop. Actually, any and every problem we ever had, or hoped to have was drug and alcohol related. If we stopped, the problems would magically go away.

Fuck that I could not sleep at 30 days sober..6 months..or a year. It was my fault for drinking. If I worked just one more step, my sleeping would improve. If I REALLY turned it over to god, it would be fixed. I was weak.

Modern recovery is not like it was in the 80's for us. They know thats bullshit, and we often times have underlying issues. Now days they are willing to look at that, and treat them.

I remember what you talked about. 60 days into "sobriety" and feeling horrible....then three years and still feeling horrible. FUCK! Go to a meeting and your depression was because you did not do the step well enough....

They dont do that anymore. Well, aa probably does, but fuck them for now.

Try someone new, or a new approach. Its better now, and you deserve it. Still fucked up, but better.

And I do care. I hate it when people feel like I think you do.

[eocean]

Thanks so much rc. I will search for other sobriety alternatives. It never really occurred to me to even do this. My mind is just back where it knows stuff - like aa is all there is. I don't know if I can do aa at all anymore. E

[rc409]

For sure there are alternatives. There really a lot of sober HAPPY people who never stepped through their doors.Again, not bagging on it as sobriety is sobriety, so lets do that, but enough of trying to convince people is either AA or you are fucked!

[dman7986]

Hey there bud. You're looking at it all wrong. You managed to build a healthy, lasting relationship with someone who really cares for you. She sounds like she is being very supportive and understanding of the trying time that you're going through. Why don't you apply to be a limo driver, or a taxi driver?

If you're looking for an independent-type job where your boss isn't over you like a helicopter, look for data entry or receptionist positions. Those are pretty much isolated positions where you just show up, do your thing, and then head home when it's time to clock out.

Another idea is organ transportation. Truck driver. Or you can work at a UPS facility and eventually become a deliveryman. You'll be out on your own. You can apply to work at the US Post Office, as well. The application process is grueling, and long, but it's worth a try since you have the time to do it.

There are plenty of jobs out there where you don't have someone hovering over you all day. Hopefully this gives you an idea of where to start.

[dman7986]

I meant to add that since you were able to build a healthy relationship, you obviously don't suck. There are things that you have done well at in your life. Losing your job is just a normal thing that happens to everyone, and for all different reasons. It is not a reflection on your character at all.