Hey, I'm new, and I'm finally introducing myself

[DownInKokomo]

I never post things, there hasnt been anything new up on my facebook for 2 years. I dont have anything interesting to say? I am just a stranger on the internet that will be forgotten? I guess I'm trying to figure out why I never post things. It feels like the more I work on myself (going to therapy, etc etc) people keep falling away from my life. I know theres so many other factors. I know its important to work on myself. But it still sucks.

Whats funny is, I had an amazing day yesterday. I found out that I didnt have cancer (after a few months of testing). I spent the whole day drawing and smoking, I was off work and ate delicious things.

Ugh, this is why I don't post. This post is weird, and I ramble.

I'm 25. I finally switched majors after realizing that I was only going toward mathematics because I wanted a shit ton of money. Like money would change me into a better person. Pointless. I switched to art, I should be happier about this. Prouder. This is one of my biggest problems, I know so much, but I don't believe it.

I try to think of my mental illness as fluidly as possible. Today, I feel depressed. Yesterday, I was happy. Last month, I wanted to die. I am not a depressed person, I'm just depressed today. Is this a good way to look at it? The way people always tell you to take things, day by day? IDK.

You know what really sucks? Self reflection. Especially of my past self. My god, I victimized the fuck out of myself. I'm not exaggerating, now that I'm working on this in therapy, I realize I am a fucking asshole. I back stabbed people. I made people hate themselves. I'm not a victim, I'm a predator. I'm the toxic friend/relative/co worker. And who I am now, its my karma. So hey guys, I'm that person that hurt you. I'm the one that talk shit about you. I'm the one who made you doubt yourself. I'm suffering now, and I'm so sorry.

[Fargin]

Welcome

I agree on taking it day by day, but I also think it's useful to safely investigate the overall behavior and patterns. I'm in the process of turning myself around, I don't want to be this negative force in other people's lives anymore. I'm trying to reprogram myself, getting in touch with what I like and what I enjoy, rather than avoiding my feelings and being busy judging everybody else.

I hurt a lot of people too, but I think I did it to distract me from myself.

[ike]

Welcome.

No one can beat us up worse than ourselves.

One day at a time sounds pretty good. I'm gonna give that a try.

[Brooke]

Hi.

I also haven't posted anything on my facebook for a couple of years. For me, it seemed like it was a world of people trying to impress each other and I was getting caught up in it and resenting everybody and everything. I can relate to fearing forgotten...but I just can't be all friendly, smiley fake anymore. If I'm going to do something or see friends (probably just one at this point), I need it to be real and not so that I can "put it up on facebook." I can't work on myself if I'm being all fake. And yes, it does suck.

I'm so happy to hear that you don't have cancer!! You deserve to go eat whatever you feel like after that kind of stress.

Your post is not weird, I actually thank you for it because I can totally relate and that's good when you're feeling so isolated. You are brave for posting, I chicken out of posting so all I can do is read and reply to other people's posts.

It's great that you try and think of your mental illness as being fluid. I wish I could just "go with it" and not judge myself so much. I desperately want to be consistent that I get all confused about being depressed one minute and being a puffed out bitch the next. I want to put myself in one box and not let myself go all over the place. I know that I'm not a robot or a stable human being, but I'm so tired of all of my emotions flying everywhere.

Your last paragraph was so awesome. I am a scared, little, tiny soul who tries to act all tough because I'm totally sensitive and would be hurt if everyone didn't treat me with respect. It's so crazy because I'm dealing with this today and that is the reason why I logged in here. I feel like it's an "eat or be eaten" world out there and I'm shaking while I'm growling at you... You're awesome for owning up to it and getting help with it. If I'm not guarded when I go out, then the tiniest thing some random person does bring out the "victim mentality" in me, and flash forward--I'm the old woman being beaten up in her nursing home in the future. (LOL, but not really)

So glad I read your post. Thanks.

[DownInKokomo]

Brooke-

I don't know how to reply to you specifically, so I hope you read this. This is exactly why I wanted to join this forum, to meet a kindred spirit that "gets me". I really appreciate your response, it really cheered me up. Especially how I 100% relate to everything you wrote as well. Especially what you wrote about your "victim mentality", I am working this out in therapy right now and it came as a complete shock. I have been living most of my life this way and its so shitty. One step at a time though, yknow?

Your response was so kind and encouraging, and I need you to know, that you are awesome. It hurts me that someone like you doesn't have many friends, because you seem so compassionate. I don't have many either, I guess that is the depression that gets in the way.

I wish you luck in your journey of loving yourself. You seem like such a gentle soul.