Hi everyone, I'm new here. I promise myself that I will get

[Bobbie4]

I don't know where to even start.
The last ten years of my life has been so difficult.
I am 52 I was married for twenty years. I have four kids and a granddaughter now.
I have tried so hard to do everything within my power to overcome the pain, shock and instability that came as a result of my divorce.
I am divorce just shy of 8 years, something I thought would never happen to me.
We lived in NY and moved to FL 13 years ago. The first year was good!
As a family we never took vacations. My ex was a workaholic and I was a stay at home mom. I loved being a wife and mother!
But my kids were getting older and I thought it was better if we lived in a place where it would benefit all of us.
In NY my husband worked 6 or 7 days a week, he left 7 in the morning a got home 11 at night. I surely thought one day he would have a heart attack from his poor diet and weight.
In Fl he could work for a chain full time 40 hours it would be like what I called semi-retired! He could be there to see his kids grow up.
He could actually do things with us as a family. We had a new home built and it seemed that all the tough times were paying off.
There were always some problems, but I was so busy doing everything I did, I was unable to see just how serious they were.
I figured no one was perfect.
One year later things began to go terribly wrong.
My husband was a stranger to me. I didn't know him at all.
I will jump a few years later, after going for marriage counseling and believing something was wrong with me because he said so, We were in counseling when the therapist asked about my husband's behavior. She referred him to a psychiatrist and we wind up going to three. They all confirmed he was bipolar.
Here I was depressed and full of anxiety and second guessing myself.
After trying to get help for us and trying to work it out.
I filed for divorced.
The things he did to me sexually were so humiliating. Financially, emotionally the only thing he didn't do was hit me and that is because the 7 pound Maltese we had would bite him when he became aggressive and game towards me. He would kick or hit the dog and I would pick the dog up so it wouldn't get hurt. My children heard the fighting but didn't really know what was going on. He would put his arms around my sons and walk off with them telling them I was crazy.
He constantly lied about everything. By this time we were not having relations more than once a month. I couldn't stand how he would treat me. I didn't want to be close to him.
The end wasn't too far away when I realized he was drugging me and sexually rapping me while I was knocked out.
He is a pharmacist! He would look me in the eyes and lie about doing things to me while I was sleeping. How do I know what he did?
I had him have a vasectomy years earlier because he just wanted me to stay home and keep me pregnant! So when my pajamas were on backwards or my underwear was inside out when I would wake up he lied.
Well he could lie about semen coming out of me or his pubic hair being in place under my clothes.
I finally caught him in the act when my sister happened to be sleeping upstairs and I decided to pretended that I had eaten whatever he gave me. I waited until he was right in the middle of it all and then sat up and looked around at the way he made things in our bedroom look and what he was actually doing to me. And I said you can't lie about this. Running to my sister upstairs at 2 in the morning crying with him running behind me. I told my sister what he did and when she asked him he said he did do it and he was crying.
I went to doctors with him and counselors, he would try and make it seem as I was the one with the problem. I learned quite some time later what gas-lighting is, that was exactly what had been done to me for the four years leading to our divorce. As devastated as you can imagined I was all I wanted to do was get away from him.
I didn't want him to go to jail, I didn't want our four kids to know what he did! As bad as all of that was it wasn't anything compared to after the divorce papers were signed. I don't have it in my to begin to tell you the horrible things he did. I was so wrong for not getting the law involved. That is my biggest regret! I was isolated and trying to keep the real reasons for the divorce from my kids. I loved them more than anything and he used that against me. I had to stay in Fl until my kids were all grown. Last year I came back to NY where I am from because all those years he hadn't complied to any of the marriage settlement agreement at all! I had no medical insurance as well as no money. I came home to get help! The hardest thing I ever did was leave my kids. But their ages are 27, 24, 22 and 21. I had to get help for me. I can't believe all I have been diagnosed with after all the stress I endured. Depression, PTSD and anxiety, don't even begin to describe my medical issues. Those are just the mental health issues. A few months after being here I was diagnosed with hypertension, breast cancer and there is a lot more, although I am lonely for my kids and sometimes I feel crushed to powder. I am not giving up!!!! Forgive any errors in my writing, this feels good to get out!

[ike]

Hello and welcome!

It sounds like you've been through a lot. What are you doing to get help?

Keep us posted!

[Bobbie4]

Thank you for asking.
I have been working with both a therapist once a week, and a psychiatrist.
I take my medication regularly. I am taking better care of my self. Good news the biopsy i had on my thyroid this pass week is not cancer thank God.
My daughter gave birth to my first grandchild on my birthday back in November,We Skype but my heart literally aches to hold her. I have been a mother for over 27 years I can't turn it off. I'm so lonely without them.

[Cami]

It sounds like you have been dealt a really rough hand in life. This is a lot for any one person to carry.
Hang in there, it sounds like you already are on the right path!

[ike]

I'm glad you don't have cancer. That's good news. Keep up with the meds and the therapy. It gets better.

[Brooke]

I am so, so sorry that you were married to a rapist and a manipulator...and that you went through a horrible divorce...I cannot believe that a husband could do such a thing... But I am glad that you had enough courage to leave him and save yourself. You are prioritizing yourself and that is incredible. I see so much strength in you. Thank goodness you don't have thyroid cancer!! I have no doubt that once you get better (and you have the power, I see it in your writing), you will be able to spend as much time as you need with your children and your grandchild. It's awesome that you guys have the same birthdays!!

[Bobbie4]

Thank you Brooke for the encouraging words.
I am so tired and worn down form it all. I am doing what I can to regain my strength and life back.
This is difficult. I just want to be happy again.
Bobbie

[Mental art]

Some people dont deserve to see the sunrise I would say your Ex-husband fits that mold. Your on the path keep walking and reflecting on your steps and accomplishments, good things come when we put ourselves into the right situations. your doing that most definitely ,,,, Stay strong and dont look back unless its to see how far you've come !!
thanks for sharing your story too.

[Bobbie4]

Thank you Mental Art for your encouragement.
I felt that way about my ex for a long time and still do at times.
My forgiving him is a daily practice. Having eviction hanging over me every month while going through all these medical issues is taking it's toll on me.
I hope you are doing well.

[diaz212]

GOOD JOB my friends i likeyou faith. Me too i promise to myself to get what i want