hey, im a fucked up person.

[Ronin87]

( im a bad speller) you ever have that feeling, that the world is passing you by and your not moving? thats the majority of my. along with feeling that i dont belong nor do i feel like a human being. Ive never been diginosts with anything. because i feel like going to a therapist is a waste of time, Grew up in a house where you just learn to man the fuck up or your worthless. and that all the bad thoughts and action and terriable things ive done where because i wasnt saved and wasnt a christian. that is was all the devil just fucking with me. Ive been depressed since i was six, and suicidal since i was like 12 maybe seems likes its always there. Ive cut myself, and burned myself. i was an alcholhic, and a smoker. I have huge Axneity, espeicaly social.i haven't cried in months and i reached the breaking point so many time, that i dont think i can take another one. i have really bad self loathing, and even lower self esteem. been stuck at the same dead end job for so long i lost the joy.and to be honest i feel like im just wasting my fucking time even typing anything. like anyone actully gives a fuck about me. welp anyways i love music, music has saved my life so many times. i love reading books, and writing stories.i have a porn addiction.this is the most ive confessed about myself. and yet i still feel like im alone and no ones there.dealt with all of this shit alone for like 98 percent of my life. because i have trust issuse, along with commitment issuse. and the biggest thing in life, like all i want is to just find a fucking place that i belong. a place where i can be me. i feel like im in a cage, but the doors open im just to scared to leave.i was bullied starting at the age of six till like 13. at school, home, and church.i never really fit in. i have dslyicksia. even now i feel like a need to see someone, but i have to be a man and just nut up.i was dishonorable discharged from the marine corp, because i didnt want to be turned into a killer, and becasue i pulled myself out before boot camp i feel like i let my best friend down, who was more like a brother to me. and feel yet again like a god damn disappoint to my family.to be honest i m surprised i havent killed myself by now.and i constently feel like im being pulled apart by who i am, and who im terrified of becoming.ive tried to kill myself three times maybe its hard to tell between actully doing it and fantasying about doing it.i have a terriable fear of dying alone.and wahts really fucked up, is how suicidal i am.....I'm fuckin terrified of death.good fucking god.well shit i guess thats a introduction then huh! oh im also 29. and i still fuckin feel like im talking to the wall, but fuck it right.

[brownblob]

Hi ronin
You are not alone. I'm a fucked up person as well. I relate to a lot of what you wrote. I've been dealing with depression my whole life too. I self loathe. I have low self esteem. I'm a disappointment to my family. I don't feel human. I've never fit in. I've attempted suicide. I have a hard time asking for help. Life goes on with or without you. All I can say is try to ask for some help somewhere. The way you are living is obviously not working for you. I don't know what the answer is, but I hope you find it.

[rivergirl]

Hey Ronin87,
I just wanted you to know that I read every word of your post and I hear you. I relate to a lot of what you wrote as well. I'm sure if you and I ran into each other on the street, we'd never think we had anything in common. I mention that just because it may be that there are people around you wherever you are who would relate to you even if it's hard to imagine that when you just see their surface image. We fucked up people are everywhere. Or if we can be less harsh on ourselves for a second, we could say that we're survivors of fucked up situations and environments that we were put into when we were too young to have any choice or means of resistance. You didn't deserve that, and you don't deserve all the pain and loneliness that you're feeling now.

rivergirl

[Ronin87]

well thank you, its always kinda comforting knowing that there are people who are dealing with the same shit as you. and that your not alone. its one of the things about depression, it makes you think and believe that your alone and no one is going to come and help you out. but thanks for the welcome. hopefully ill be sticking around.

[Jitterz]

Im so sorry you've been dealing with this and I know you feel like you're so alone and it's terrifying but just know that you are so not alone. We're all in this together. I hope tbat you do stick around and keep posting. It helps. Feel free to message me at anytime if you need a friend to talk to. Hang in there and knowthat there are people who really do care.

[oak]

Hey! Thanks for sharing.

I encourage you, kindly, to give yourself a little space and patience as far as your identity within masculinity. The church and Marines each have their own definitions, which works for them. Lately, however, there have been new and more fluid definitions of what it means to be a man. In fact, there are as many ways to be a man as there are men. You need not carry the burden of someone else's definitions of what a man is supposed to be or do. You'll evolve into your own man. This is an ongoing process, one that we all do, and is quite fun.

Hang in there.