Hi people

[Scaredofmymom]

Hi People,
I am excited to be here. Been listening to MIHH for about 5 years. I struggle connecting with people and am intensely self-critical so I am trying to be good to myself as I write this. As my name says, I am also very fearful that my mom will find that I am posting or disucssing and she will retaliate/do something to sabotauge my life (soap opera villan style.) Because that's the kind of stuff she does. She has physically and digitally stalked me, so I have kept my life mostly off the internet. So I feel like just being here and posting is a big leap for me.

I am weirdly ok on the outside but I am a constant work on the inside. Feel like life has been a 41 year struggle of staying just barely ok enough to not lose it, to get and stay safe, to be able to take care of my self. I very happy with my life and I generally sleep well and I feel good about how I have built my little team of close friends and chosen family, but I am tired. I struggle with depression and anxiety. I was raised in poverty by a severly abusive parent (undiagnosed BPD) and the only reason I am successful is because Little Me developed a whole bunch of coping mechanisms and identities (achiever, hypervigalent risk analyst, for example) that enabled me to get out of my hell hole home and into college and a career where I would never not be able to feed myself, keep myself warm, and escape future threats. Even though I am now secure, my body doesn't feel it, and I continue to over-achieve out of fear of losing it all. I recently got what is the equivalent of tenure in my occupation, and for a moment I decided I would take it easier on myself at wrok and try to be average, but I get overcome with immense guilt about being an average performer.

Becasue of my pretty rapid career success, I get a lot of early career people asking me for advice/mentoring; they also want to make it to the top so naturally they would come to an example. Especially young women because there are not many women in my position. But what I want to say to them is "Don't look up to me, you do not want to be like me." I want to say that the only reason I "Made it" is because I was severly abused. That the toolset that got me here was so lacking other qulaities that I hurt my former husband badly, I was a poor friend at times, I didn't take good care of my self, I was one-dimensional, and I didn't really learn how to live well until I was about 35 years old.

I'm reading the ACA Big Red Book and Surviving a Borderline Parent now. Past favorite books have been Stop Walking on Eggshells, When Things Fall Apart, and The End of the World as we Know it.

Anyway... that's my hello. I've typed and deleted and retyped a few times, each time the a-hole voice in my head saying "You're dumping on people" or "stop feeling sorry for yourself" or "ohhh pooor little white girl"... whatever, f-you mean voice.

Here's to recovery. Love to all of you.

[oak]

Hello!

Welcome. thank you for sharing.

I’m pleased you posted, not only to share your story, but to take ownership of your narrative from your mother.

And thank you for the book recommendations.

[Scaredofmymom]

Thanks, Oak. I had not thought about how making this post is a way of taking the narrative. That is so empowering. Thank you.

[Mental Fairy]

Hi to hear from you scaredofmymum, fresh energy and great post. This forum is like having a super power charger in your pocket at times. When things get touch one of two things happen, fall into a pile of unfolded washing in the corner and reach out on the forum or reach out on the forum and then fall into the pile of washing in the corner.

Welcome in to the family that doesn’t scare you!

[Scaredofmymom]

Thanks Fairy!
Update - I finally started calling psychiatrists today! I've been wanting to do this for months. I've done therapy ... a lot of therapy... but it is high time I treat my self to the good stuff. Someone to guide me to the next step.

[Mental Fairy]

Let us know how you go, what is it that’s your main goal to achieve?

[oak]

Update - I finally started calling psychiatrists today! I've been wanting to do this for months.

Nice!