I'm Here, I'm Queer, I'm still getting used to it

[serious_oregon]

I think what I am understanding by your response is that, you, like myself, are a people pleaser. I didn't really hear you say anything about what makes you happy or satisfied, just what makes other people feel that way. Your coworkers are fine with you if you're not queer. Your Mom is fine with you if your not out. Your friends are fine with you, but your friends don't seem to know you? Perhaps they're are merely acquaintances? You're with a man out of desperation. Again, you're not doing this for yourself, but for appearances or what you are assuming makes you most comfortable? Please note: There is not an ounce of judgement in anything I am writing here, I'm just trying to grasp and understand your situation the best I can.

Have you sought out any therapy? It really seems to me like talking through your situation with a queer-friendly counselor could be extremely helpful. Not just for your identity issues, but for your sexual abuse, as well. Having therapists listen and then reflect things back to you can be dumbfounding. I still to this day can't believe some of the things my coaches and therapists are getting out of me that I have/had no clue about. Just this evening, a mere 2 hours ago, I realized that I can't take compliments because I am exactly like my Mom.

As for people who judge you for not being "gay enough". Fuck that. Excuse my language. I went through that whole scenario in the riot grrrl scene when I was coming out. You know what I did? I walked away from it. I said, "Fuck you guys if I'm not some matriarch, man-hating, lesbian". I turned around and went back to my old friends. They welcomed me back with open hearts and arms. But I am fortunate to have friends that are 20+ years in my life. And you know what else I say "fuck that", to? Labeling. We are adults. We love who we love and no one, but us, gets to have any say about it. I wrote that I am a lesbian just to give solidarity to the fact that we both have queer leanings. But I could care less what other people want to call me or what kind of a box they want to put me in. I'm a girl who fell in love with a girl (a few times over) after having a couple long-term heterosexual relationships. Bottom line: I'm a human capable of loving another human. I just want to stress that in looking for yourself, you need to be alright and strong about your own beliefs. Make them your own. Don't let others make decisions for you. There you'll find the happiness you seek and your identity will blossom. You'll have to be willing to do the work, kid, but you'll get there. I swearz! I did.

Oh, and the" tickling of the ribs" line is an old way of saying 'make you laugh'. NO TICKLING WILL ENSUE!
Stay strong. You're not boring. You're a bright, articulate individual who needs a little guidance. That's just human. XO

[IdentityPoltergeist]

Lol, I have gotten better at not taking statements too literally but they did always stump me! When I was little I had to answer the question: what are your biggest pet peeves? I wrote: cleaning the litter box, when the kitty poops on the carpet and I have to clean it up." Several animal specific annoyances. It was prett my embarrassing that I was the only one who didn't understand the question! But I guess it worked.

I am a people pleasure for sure. We were trained to be. My whole life is the pursuit of someone else's happiness.

I have been to several therapists. My last one was okay but I felt bullied and my anxiety increased because of the appointments and my work schedule. She didn't seem to know a lot about the LGBT community or know what to say about my gay issues but at the time I had bigger boogers to pick, to create an expression of my own. Therapists here aren't very flexible, they are too far away and their hours are inconvenient for regular visits. My last one wouldn't take calls after hours and if it was an emergency her policy was for you to call 911, which when I am suicidal I am not going to do so thanks. Getting off birth control helped with my severe murderous rage, but the feelings turned inward.

I have tried finding someone new but calling is really anxiety inducing and makes me feel so stupid. And I don't have time available for them during the week, no one here does weekends or evenings so I'm out of luck while I still have a day job. I'm annoying my boss enough as it is.

My college friends knew me pretty well but it was convenient for them to call me a lesbian. Most of them were gay men. My roommate loved telling his hookups and male acquaintances about his "lesbian roommate" because they would react with horror at the notion, like my labia would be plastered on the walls, but I think he enjoyed that dynamic even though he knew I wasn't 100% cis women 100% of the time. I think I'm more afraid of him calling me out, because he knew me when I was most comfortable with my identity and it wasn't this. I'd asked him if He would want to live together again and he expressed interest but I have to wait until August to move back there (leases only start then due to it being a college town).

I am incapable of writing short messages. It is one of the things that annoys me about myself. Uggggh shutting up now.

[kitterztoo]

I have a teen who is probably going through a little what you've experienced your whole life, minus the abusive past. She's my daughter, although I do use male pronouns when she feels she identifies more male. She's feeling gender fluid. No labels like gay, transgender, bisexual, etc. because she hasn't figured it all out yet at age 14. She thought she was gay, had a crush on another girl, then recently male crushes. I told her, I will support her no matter what (dad does too), and has a great therapist with experience with gender issues. I gave her a masculine haircut and it looks so good compared to the thick long hair that didn't seem to fit her personality. I have also helped find sports bras to bind her chest down more without causing trouble with her ribs or lungs.

Since she was in the 3rd grade I assumed she was gay and she had a girlfriend this past spring. When we talked about whether she felt transgender or pansexual, she said she wasn't sure. Some days more feminine, the next very masculine. Personally, I'm fine with what makes her comfortable. She can't start hormone suppressors until age 16. I have had her band concert uniform switched from the "dress" to "tux" and the school is very supportive.

I guess what I'm asking is, what would you have needed from your parents to help you figure out your identity? I have pansexual, transgender, and gay friends on social media but they never had supportive parents as children. So, that's what I'm asking you as advice for my own child. Is there anything I'm not doing that perhaps I should be to support her?

I also know it's difficult to find a good therapist, but I hope you will keep reaching out until you find a good one. I was abused as a child, and didn't figure out until college that I was bisexual. I'm still not very feminine. I would give one piece of advice. Don't feel you have to have a particular identity for someone else's sake. As a mom, my heart goes out to you. Never give up.

[IdentityPoltergeist]

Hi kitterztoo,

I want to commend you for supporting your gender fluid/gender queer child. At 14, ze is still figuring hirself out (trying to use more neutral terminology), so my advice to you is not to pressure or question more than the one time because it will start to feel like an interrogation when you are just trying to understand. So instead said, I know you are still figuring yourself out sweetheart, and if there's anything I can do to help you in that discovery, just ask. But when you have a pretty good idea of what you identify as and prefer for pronouns, please let me know so I can adjust for that. I love you no matter what.

I am not trans/genderqueer despite a few years of drag queening but I did date a trans woman and a trans woman who later was genderqueer, so I'm extremely empathetic to the trans community. I wish when I came out my parents had taken me at my word instead of trying to tell me who and what I am and not believing me (because they Didn't want to). I wish they hadn't immediately asked if, because I said I liked women, I wanted to be a man. And acting like that would have been unforgivable. I wish my mom hadn't continued to shove guys in my face who she would want to date if she was my age and looked like me. I wish she hadn't attributed my sexual identity to my sexual assaults, when I came out to my sister and some peers at 12 as bisexual. I guess I should be grateful if got any love at all, but feeling like my identity will constantly be under question doesn't make me feel very secure in it.

I wish you luck. Sounds like you are being plenty supportive so far and that is what ultimately matters.

[IdentityPoltergeist]

Drag kinging not queening! Haha my goodness.

[IdentityPoltergeist]

I feel like I should add more to address your question.

You mentioned you have some LGBT friends. Does your child know any of these people personally? I think exposure to some positive role models would be extremely helpful in forming an identity and self esteem. If you live in an area where LGBT (especially T/Q) support groups exist and I'm going to assume you do because generally awesome open minded parents like yourself reside in cities where they are exposed to more diversity. Even PFLAG would help, and the wonderful thing about those meetings is they are filled with a lot of people in your shoes or who have been in them and have advice to give!

I also recommend the web comic "Khaos Komix" to anyone interested in struggles with gender identity, sexual identity, homophobia, anorexia and child abuse. There are some racey elements to it though so exposing your kid to that material should come with discussion before and after. Which if you think your 14 year old hasn't been exposed to horrendous sexual material already you're delusional, you can't avoid it and kids are curious, when I was 12 I'd seen beastiality porn. My super Christian female friend sent it to me as a gag. So healthy exposure that is educational and still a little edgy, prefaced with some discussion (and a read-through yourself to get familiar with what you need to prepare for), I think the comic is fine. The author does a good job keeping the x-rated material separate from the comic.

So, support groups, LGBT role models, and free online comics. That is my recommendation!

[kitterztoo]

Thank you so much for your advice! There is a LGBTQ student group at her high school and I know there's a support center at a nearby city which I plan on going to for more support. I only asked her twice about 6 months apart what she was feeling since her relationship with her girlfriend didn't seem to be healthy (long story) to determine if she was indeed lesbian or generally confused about her identity. After that, I told her my door is always open and she shouldn't have to struggle alone. If she can't talk to me or is uncomfortable talking to me, she knows she has a wonderful therapist she feels comfortable with and can talk to. All she has to do is tell me if she needs to go sooner than once every two weeks (which lately has been once a week.)

None of my LGBTQ friends are IRL. Almost all are on Twitter, and I do get advice from my pansexual/lesbian followers. I did talk to her once about my struggle to determine my own sexual orientation in a Christian conservative environment. So, I think she felt relieved to know she's not the only one who struggles with half the piece of her puzzle. I also will look up Khaos Komix. She loves graphic novels, and in our family we have an open dialog regarding sex questions--including her younger sister. I would rather they have that dialog, than just google searching and friends. Of course there are healthy boundaries. The information is educational and not the inappropriate boundaries of sharing sexual experiences. If they want to know what 69 means, I tell them in an age appropriate way. They hear most of it from their schoolbus, so it's better I tell them than Google.

I encourage both the girls to develop their own personality and identity. I never was allowed to have emotions, a personality, etc. as a child/teen, and I never want my girls to suffer the same fate of wondering who they are into their 40s. Again, I'm so glad you've given me a lot of insight and advice. The only advice I can give you is a quote I live by:

"It's never too late to be who you might have been." ~George Eliot

[IdentityPoltergeist]

It sounds like you are doing so much right, any kid would be so lucky.

I started rereading khaos Komix as it has been a couple of years. It isn't extremely explicit but may be a little more sexually mature than a 14 year old SHOULD be exposed to. As I said I and many kids growing up with the internet have been exposed to much more explicit, with the addition of them being damaging to self esteem and the only source of sex education for my generation besides abstinence only which is pathetic and doesn't prepare anyone who actually does wait until marriage. /rant. I'd put it in the (cringe) Twilight category of sexual explicitness (not quality), but it is actually educational and uplifting. The comic really helped me with my self esteem about my sexuality. I know it has saved lives of some in the trans community who have no positive examples or role models and feel alienated. I personally saw growth in myself and several others who hated a homophobic character until his dark past was revealed about why he resented gays (doesn't excuse it but people learned to have empathy for their own abusers). I highly recommend Tom an Charlie's stories in the comic as they shed a lot of insight into gender identity and sexuality.

I didn't remember the comic as too explicit but there is some material that would make you blush to read in front of your daughter (or mom!). Give it a read first and determine for yourself.

You are a really inspiring parent and I'm so happy you shared your own experience with your daughter (minus the details no child wants to hear lol). I want to hug you! Although you didn't have the best example for parenting, you educated and worked on yourself so that you could be a positive influence on your children.

[kitterztoo]

I don't think the Khaos komix is really appropriate for her. She's had tons of sex education (something I wish I'd had in school) but she has asexual tendencies. The thought of sex or anything sexually explicit is kind of "cringeworthy" for her. I think she craves intimacy more than anything. That connection, holding, touching, and kissing is as far as she's wanted to get. Everything in its own time.

Oddly enough I think being bisexual is "in" at both my daughter's schools. My youngest revealed to me today that she's bisexual. I think she's experimenting, but I didn't tell her that. She's in the 7th grade (age 12) but has the body of a 16 yr old. She told me she broke up with her boyfriend and is now dating one of her female friends. She could be right, but as I told the eldest, "You don't have to choose or figure it all out right now. Give yourself some time to explore, and I love you no matter who you love."

Whew. Crazy week!

[IdentityPoltergeist]

Haha things sure have changed since I was a kid! I was scared for my life!

I do wish the story were less sexual, I think I just skimmed over that stuff when I read it lol I'm pretty uncomfortable myself but in an unhealthy way. I still highly recommend it for anyone like 17 and up or who has no sexual education or parental support.

I once had a friend's younger sister come out as bi and start stalking me after I did a drag show. Her sister was a lesbian and she really looked up to her. It was really painful having to be mean to get her off my case since I knew nothing else would work. Well then she turned around and said she was straight and became super Christian and gay-hating. Poor girl. But her sister liked me after that and it made things really awkward.

Sometimes people will wear that as an identity as an experiment, you should still take them on their word as you say. Most likely she is bi in some way because most women are sexually fluid, just to various degrees.

Really envy your kids. My only sex education was shaming and accusing me of looking at certain kinds of porn (had looked at some but not the kind they mentioned, they blamed me for all of the porn on the browser when I knew how to delete history and my brother and his friends used the computer and were 4+ years older than me, but sure blame the 12 year old girl and make her feel disgusting for it). I knew about sex when I was 6 and had to pretend not to because we were grounded for waving a huge symbolic flag saying "some messed up sex abuse is happening right here!" I couldn't talk to them about anything. My mom laughed at me when I told her about a shaming experience as a child. Your kids have it good on both a parental and peer acceptance level.

I wish you and your kids well