New to Forums from Life Surviving Senior

[AgreeableOne]

Hi All, I started this on my iPhone and wrote quite a lot, but then lost it all with one false move. How typical of my life.
Today, I am in a new city in the Southwest after living on the east coast or overseas for most of my life. That is a problem in itself because I am here without friends and family and do not like the city or people. While all my friends before were acquaintances at work or in the neighborhood, at least I got to talk to humans.The living here has been for four years in a rental house after losing my very nice former home. That happened as I spent more money on credit then earned. Finally, sold the house to pay off my mortgage and debts. My only family member urged me to move out here and now I can't get out because of my age and lack of support. Yes, I know many live like this when they are old and, in my case, I will not run out of money and have good health for advanced age.
My life has been strange with really good successes interrupted by calamity. The worst, I think, was when I hit bottom in my alcoholism. Nobody even believe I was an alcoholic since I hid it well and hid the things I did while drinking. Never hurt a soul except myself. This, I think, was the result of following in my father's footsteps as an alcoholic. He was very open and I considered him "the town drunk" even while me and the others in our family tried to hide his alcoholism and our connection to him. This was a fantasy world since he was not hiding his prodigious drinking in town. So at 18 I left for the Army to get away after suffering from this emotional abuse for most of my life and seeing him abuse my mother. Oddly, I did go back to visit and even spent a year at a time their and two or three occasions.
After hitting bottom, I went to a psychiatrist for four years, four times a week and it seemed to help. This guy, though did not think I was an alcoholic and I am still not clear what he thought, but he helped me get through the very rough times after losing my job and subsequently clawing my way back to earning status and somewhat of a life. Unfortunately, it was the time when my wife began her own craziness always directed at me and our young child. She would be great about 80 percent of the time and then go off into a rage about some perceived slight or misstep on my part. To this day, I don't know what she had, but after twenty years her doctor found cancer and she died soon after.
A few years after her death, and twenty in AA, I decided to try moderate drinking. Mostly it works, but lately I am up to almost a bottle of wine in an evening. I drink only wine and beer, know its a problem, but do not intend to stop yet. This new phase for me is again good and bad. At least our child was old enough to deal with all this with the help of psychiatric care,after scaring me to death with cutting and one suicide attempt. Finally, out of HS and going to college, found a life of hard work and of debt by finding a dependent romantic friend to eventually marry and support for the last fifteen years. That's with a lot of financial help and moral support from me. Now I feel like an enabler.
Well, that is it for now. Right now my fight is with clinical depression, isolation, possible returning alcoholism and fear strong enough to keep me from making important decisions or friends of any kind. I hope these forums and the Podcast will help out in the future. I first became aware of the Podcast a few years ago, forgot about it, and now try to listen almost every day. Often it is on when I finally can fall asleep at night (like 4 AM).

[Corey M]

Sorry to hear about this and I hope there is someone out there who can support you. I am myself in a similar situation so I'm also here to get help.
Good luck

[oak]

Thanks for posting. I am glad you are using your words.

I kindly encourage you to be careful with alcohol. While I am not a 12 step man, alcohol is indeed cunning and powerful. You are playing with fire, my friend.

Also, I hope you can some peace and happiness with your finances. There are some great resources out there, starting with the Mundis debt book.

FWIW, you may want to consider getting a job. There's nothing like a good day of work.