New Here. Hello, Everyone.

[WeToldYouNotToTell]

Hi. I've been a fan of the podcast for about a year now, working my way backwards through the archives, especially when I need something to take the place of the voice in my head that does all the ruminating and replaying of social interactions for the purpose of second guessing what I said and what people thought of me. Listening to the podcast is good for distracting that voice before it can get started.

I have lived with dysthymia (low grade chronic depression) with occasional bouts of more severe depression for most of my life. My mother wouldn't allow me to talk to a professional ("we don't believe in therapy"), so I didn't see a therapist for the first time or get a diagnosis until my late twenties, several years after I figured it out for myself via books and the internet. Based on memory, I'd estimate I've been dysthymic since age four.

My mother has undiagnosed borderline personality disorder and a prescription drug problem. She was a tee-totaler for my entire life, but she started abusing prescription pills when I was fourteen. She alternately blamed her erratic behavior on menopause and on me, and I was confused and didn't understand what was going on or why she sometimes seemed like someone else. I figured it out after a decade and a half of her downward spiral and my reading books on various mental illnesses. The times she seemed like someone else were the times I saw her high. She received a formal diagnosis of bipolar disorder following her second poorly executed suicide attempt, but she doesn't treat that either. I cut all contact with her eight years ago because I couldn't take the random, unprovoked screaming phone calls telling me I'm a bad person and need to give her money. I didn't drink at all in high school or college, but I took up drinking at age 24 to get through her phone calls and to calm myself down enough to sleep (also known as "passing out").

My dad has been paralyzed from the chest down since before my parents got married. When I was about twelve my mother told me he isn't my biological father -- an anonymous sperm donor was -- and that she is still a virgin (!) and that she was surprised I hadn't figured all this out for myself much earlier. She forbade me ever to speak of it again and said if I really needed to talk to someone she'd take me to a therapist. I asked her to take me to a therapist, and she said it would be a waste of money. So I kept the secret to myself for three years, often crying myself to sleep, before finally confiding in a close friend who didn't seem to think it was a big deal at all. My dad still doesn't know I know, and my (adopted) older brother doesn't know at all. I found my biological father through mass market DNA testing in my thirties though, so he and his children -- my younger half-siblings -- know. He doesn't acknowledge me, but my half-siblings do.

My dad has rage issues and was physically, verbally, and emotionally abusive. My older brother is the same but scarier and with sexual grooming. My mother is also a hoarder. She also partook in "covert incest," which still affects me negatively, mostly in my marriage. I don't think she got off on it sexually; it seemed more like something she did to punish me or maybe to try to work out her own sexual issues.

I see a therapist every couple weeks now, partly to talk about these sorts of things and partly because I need someone to advise me on how to raise my daughter. What I learned from my parents was mostly bad ideas. I thought I was "all better" when got pregnant, but it turns out I'd only peeled a couple layers of the dysfunction onion. Whoops.

[brownblob]

I like your name. It sounds like you've been through a lot. It's good to hear you are working on being a better parent. Keep moving forward and welcome to the forum.

[Imissmysun]

Welcome!

Your mum should have had something called tact and compassion instead of just throwing your identity out the window and completely derailing your individual development - I am so sorry about that -

I feel your pain about the onion of crazy that starts to peel away with therapy - I tend to almost retraumatize myself so I don't have to deal with old trauma - whoa that was kind of a break through that I just realized just now -

Thank you for being audience to that -

I am kind of needing a minute but I wanted to say welcome