Tired of running

[Lisalou]

Stumbled on this podcast a few months ago-and was so relieved to hear the dark humorous side of mental illness and that I am not alone. I had a paranoid schizophrenic mother and her obsession was God and the church-father was an alcoholic taxi driver that wanted me under his roof so that he wouldn't have to pay a lousy 50 a month in child support. I'm 42 years old and just now figuring out that i cannot run from my past. I have so many "triggers". I have only been diagnosed with depression-I have no doubt that the reason that is my only dx is because I have tried to get mental help since I was 18 years old and just been prescribed one anti depressant after another. No one has suggested group therapy-or books to read or articles to find any help-Since I cannot afford 2-3 therapy sessions a week i have just been handed a script and sent away for a year at a time. i am now addicted to Pristiq--i dont suggest that med- alcohol is quite the numbing agent for me---but it was taking too much and i felt like shit the next day--I also declared many times that i was strong enough to come through it-and that reliving the story was not going to help. i didn't need anyone's pity-at 30 i had to break ties with my mother completely-i offered her the option of seeing her grandsons grow and being a part of my family as long as she took her meds, or she could continue her path of no meds and walk away from her only child (me) and grandsons. Of course she didn't chose me-she never could-never did. As a child we lived in cars, missions,churches--where i was sexually abused-and she always said it was my fault. I was raped repeatedly by a friends dad in high school-and when i told finally of course--that was my fault as well-per his wife-i was having as "affair" with her husband-and the fucked up life list goes on....Just glad to know there are others as fucked up as me out there. Figure i need to give this a shot-I damn sure cannot run any longer. Have a new dr lined up in the next couple of weeks--maybe --fingers crossed i can get some help, and maybe just maybe help someone else along the way.

[brownblob]

So sorry that you had to go through everything you went through. I'll cross my fingers too and hope the new dr will be helpful.

[oak]

Hey! Thanks for sharing.

I hope things continue to get better for you, bit by bit.

[Imissmysun]

You have had a life time of pain and hurt - and that builds and builds and builds- when there has been no emotional support it is no wonder that you have been self destructing - your coping mechanisms are constantly on and your fight or flight has no idea where that gd bear is! - Its always on always thinking that everyone and everything will get you somehow -

It sucks that your mother did not protect you and to save face with the witch of that guys wife to blame you... That is awful and it should never have happened....


I believe you, and it is not your fault, it never was -

[Lisalou]

Thanks for the encouraging words. The 6th cant seem to get here quick enough. Feel overwhelmed by my anxiety these past few days. Ready to run...just know I'll not get anywhere...