[Repost] Seeking guidance for post abuse support (UK)

[PerpetualMetronome]

Hello,

Nutshell style introduction because too much head busyness going on. Although by nutshell, I mean coconut, not walnut.

Actually, I'm going to start out with what I'm looking / needing immediately instead of losing you, dear reader, before the end: I am seeking support / therapy in the UK, (East Cheshire / Staffordshire area) for, uh, PTSD? or PTSD type symptoms resulting from an abusive relationship with my soon to be ex wife. This was mainly emotional, although escalated to physical twice. In the months since we sold the house and moved apart I have become more and more aware of the impact of how she treated me is affecting me now. I need to address this and I've had little success in going to my GP; I was referred to a service called IAPT, with whom I had an appointment this morning. They felt that they were not best suited to help me, and put me in touch with a group called "Cheshire Without Abuse", and I had a phone triage with them this afternoon. It appears they are not in a position to immediately help, as I am not in any kind of imminent danger, although they may be able to offer something, their services are primarily geared towards women (which makes sense!).

I've searched online, but not found anything suitable, and I haven't been able to start phoning the unsuitable places and asking them to point me in the right direction, so I'm hoping that someone here may be able to do so. Unfortunately, I have no monies right now, and am unable to seek help privately. And, hell, I'm not even sure where to start there.

Coconut to follow, when I am able; sorry.

[bigeekgirl]

PerpetualMetronome, welcome to the forums. Your situation sounds difficult. I know a few men who were abused by women. While less common, it's no less damaging, plus less resources and all the baggage of masculinity on top.

One place you might find help is Co-Dependents Anonymous. While not everyone was abused by a romantic partner, you might find similarities with your struggles in those who attend meetings. The focus is on how to life effectively and have healthy and loving relationships with others and ourselves.

Here's the international website: http://coda.org/
UK: http://www.coda-uk.org/

Good luck, friend. I look forward to your coconut. Feel free to PM me anytime.

[PerpetualMetronome]

Thank you bigeekgirl! Everything suddenly became quite a bit more complicated over the last couple of weeks, thus my delay in replying. There are some changes happening which will include relocating to the London area, so I will be following up on Coda-UK, but it will have to wait a wee while.

I'm trying to decide if you are bi-geek-girl or big-eek-girl? Or both?


So .... coconut time ....

I met my now ex wife in February 2007; in June that year I moved in to her flat in west London.
At the beginning 2008 I suggested that we sell the flat, put the proceeds in the bank and rent for a year while the market fell; we did so and this plan worked out well for us, moving from a one bedroom maisonette in west London, to a three bedroom bungalow with a huge garden in Hampshire.
We bought our bungalow in the middle of 2009, were married in August 2010, and our son was born in April 2011.

Following some years of difficulty at work, in November 2013 I was diagnosed with Autistic Spectrum Disorder and ADHD.
I had previously put my trouble with work and depression down to my childhood, as my mother was involved with a cult soon before she became pregnant with me. She engendered an environment that was emotionally and physically abusive; I left home a couple of weeks after I turned 15, going to a foster home, and then when I was 16 onto unemployment. A huge amount happened, including a suicide attempt when I was 22. One thing lead to another and I eventually emigrated to the United Kingdom, thanks to having British grandparents.

My Autism & ADHD diagnosis lead to me leaving the company I was working for under bad circumstances in September 2014, which, to put a long story short, lead us, in mid-2016, deciding to sell the house and downsize into something with a more manageable mortgage. I was (still am) on Employment and Support Allowance.

Downsizing would have meant that we could have cut our mortgage by two thirds, which would have put us on an even keel financially and given me the time need to get myself back to being able to work again. However, some weeks after we had put our bungalow on the market and been looking for a smaller place, she suddenly decided that we were not going to downsize, but were going to rent somewhere instead and have completely separate finances.
I told her this was financial suicide and we’d simply end up using our equity to pay off someone else’s mortgage; we would also not find somewhere suitable for less than what we were already paying for the mortgage on our bungalow. She agreed after some hours discussion and we started looking again. However, a few weeks later, after muffled phone calls in other rooms with her mother, again we were to be looking for somewhere to rent.
I told her I wouldn’t have any part of it, and if she insisted on that arrangement then I would have to move to Cheshire, where I knew I could afford to buy a house without a mortgage and afford to live.

So, that became the plan, and in September 2017 we sold our family home (near Basingstoke in Hampshire). I moved to stay with friends in south east Cheshire (about 3 hours drive), while the divorce proceeds.

By the time we sold the house I had realised for some time that I was in an abusive relationship; in the year leading up to the house being sold this escalated to physical violence at one point. More distressing to me than that were the times where our son ran between us and started shouting at his mummy to leave daddy alone.

Looking back, I realise now, that right from the start that things were not right. The first really difficult time we had was soon after I moved in with her; late one Sunday she kept going on and on at me, wouldn’t listen to me, or stop; I ended up taking a blanket and locking myself in the bathroom, deciding that I would sleep in the bath. She pounded furiously on the door, hard enough that I thought she might break it.

This kind of thing went on, usually not to that degree, and sometimes weeks would pass with nothing, but sooner or later something would set it off. Typically I didn’t react much (something beaten into me by my childhood), but on occasion I would get incredibly upset and react; once in 2009 just before we bought the house, early one Tuesday morning before work, I can’t remember what set her off, but I had bought an engagement ring soon before, and she said (shouted probably) something that touched a nerve. I got out the engagement ring, went upstairs to her, put it on the kitchen bench and said “you can keep your bloody house”, and walked out. I was already in my motorcycle gear ready to commute to work; she ran out after me begging for me to come back in. Like most other times we simply tried to put it behind us and get on with life. We did try counselling at various times, with no real lasting results.

Most of the time it just came and went and I suppose that I was accustomed to, well, being treated like shit. Even now I want to make excuses for her behaviour; there really is a good person in there, but I realise that this does not excuse the appalling way she treated me.

I think it says it all that I have no sense of grief or loss over the relationship, just a huge sense of relief. Indeed, even as someone who was raised by a crazy UFO cult woman, I have to say that meeting my ex wife was the worst thing that ever happened to me. The only thing out of all of this that I do not regret is my son, who I miss more than I am capable of saying.

Please don’t think that I am blind to having played my part in the whole sorry mess. I have my own problems to address, but I feel that it’s important to note that I will tell you that my side of things is just that; my side of things. My experience of the relationship is biased from my point of view, and is inherently inaccurate in ways that I am not even aware of; but she will tell you that her experience is the truth of the matter, and that there is nothing that she needs to take responsibility for.

Yesterday morning I was sitting here and for some reason it struck me; even right back at the start of the relationship at times she treated me like dirt, and I to a large extent didn’t even notice it happening. The 2018 me is stunned at 2007 me for putting up with it; for not even seeing it.

So, I’m sitting here in my friend’s house; they’ve put me up and been putting up with me since September last year. I’ve been looking for a place to buy – they offered me bridging finance until the divorce is finalised, so I could purchase a place and move out … and although they’ve been wonderful, we all need some space.

Things don’t always go the direction you expect though, and last week I was offered an R&D internship position with one of the world’s biggest multinational companies, via a pilot scheme to help Autistic people into employment roles suited for them. This means I will be moving to the Berkshire area; I’m having a medium sized panic, trying to find somewhere cheap and decent enough to live, arrange storage for my possessions, and still coordinate the necessary divorce things. But … this feels like a step into something new and promising. Maybe it is finally the beginning of the end for this chapter of my life; time will tell. For now, I must keep on at the one thing I am really very good at – persistence.

[bigeekgirl]

I'm trying to decide if you are bi-geek-girl or big-eek-girl? Or both?

Probably both. Definitely the first.

That's quite a coconut, my friend.

Two of my aunts - my mother's half sisters - were raised in a cult. That in itself requires significant recovery.

I'm so glad you are out of that and the abusive marriage, although of course being away from your son is hard. Still, staying in a bad situation will not benefit him in the long run.

Even now I want to make excuses for her behaviour; there really is a good person in there, but I realise that this does not excuse the appalling way she treated me.

It would be so much easier if abusers were all bad. My ex-husband did a lot of terrible things, took great advantage of me, but he'd been though a lot himself and was as loving as he could have been considering his upbringing and mental illness. If it had been all bad, well, hopefully I would have gotten out before it started.

Anyway, I am rambling now. I hope the job is a wonderful fit and all goes smoothly with your divorce (it's never easy even when it's the best thing ever).