I'm trying to reach out and work through some stuff

[onmyway]

Hey, to anyone who reads this..
I am a 22 year old student, just trying to figure life out. I am pretty new to dealing with this stuff, and have only just started to put all the pieces together. At this point, it's very overwhelming and I've had a bad couple of weeks. I heard about this forum, not because of the podcast, but because of something i saw on YouTube. I look forward to working through stuff and possibly helping others. It really does feel isolating sometimes when you sum things up and you don't want to be dramatic, but the reality is that, whatever it is, it happened to you and maybe it's okay that you don't have it figured out and you still aren't sure how to deal with it... It's good to know that I'm not alone.

[snoringdog]

Hello Onmyway,

Welcome aboard. Hope you can find help!
School is stressful on top of the all the rest...Is there anyone there that you can talk to?

Don't be afraid to post. It's a little quiet, but there are a few kind souls here ready to listen.

Wishing you well,

Snoringdog

[Heatherwantspeace]

Hi onmyway,
It's definitely okay not to have it figured out and to be unsure. We're here to listen and to stand with you as you peek into the darkness.
Self care will help. Remember what centres and calms you.
Heather

[onmyway]

Hi, thanks for replying. I do have a good friend who also has experienced some trauma and deals with depression. Although I do feel comfortable talking to her, and do, it’s really hard for me to get it out sometimes. I also have boundaries I’ve realized are necessary in order not to trigger her because of some things she’s dealt with. It’s a balancing act. The other issue is that I’ve never told anyone about the sexual abuse I’ve experienced because it was actually two of my brothers, on separate occasions. I have forgiven them for what they’ve done, one because he was very young at the time as well, and the other because I didn’t know that it had even happened, but he confessed to me because he was very convicted for it and felt really horrible about it. He asked my forgiveness and was really broken over it. It was hard to know that something happened and I didn’t even know about it until that moment. I’m actually very close to all of my siblings and love them dearly. Although I’ve forgiven them both, I know it doesn’t mean I don’t still need to process them and figure out a way through that. I guess that’s why I’m here. I’m considering therapy, but simply can not afford it. I’m just hoping to see that others are out there, although I wish there weren’t for obvious reasons, and we can work through this together.

[brownblob]

Welcome to the forum. I wish you luck as you try to process things.

[oak]

Welcome! Thank you for sharing.

Be sure to keep posting.

[snoringdog]

Hello Onmyway,

Hopeful screen name, BTW, and it sounds like you've made a few concrete steps through trying to reconcile, as you described....
Where do you think you need to go now?

Be well.

SD

[onmyway]

Hey snoringdog,
Honestly, I’m not sure at the moment. My schedule is extremely busy, so even though I need to give myself space to process things, I am not completely able to because life goes on, there are commitments to keep, and bills to be paid.. I’ve found some things that help keep me from a place of breakdown, but prevention is really my biggest hope. If I can’t prevent it, it’s a lot harder to recover initially because I’m not used to breaking down. I’m a serial bottler, so, when it does happen, I’m less familiar with my process and what helps, and what hinders. Just praying a lot and taking it one day at a time. That’s all we can do I guess..

[snoringdog]

Hello Onmyway,

Sometimes it's good that life goes on, to keep us from a downward spiral into unhelpful ruminations, at least in my case....

When you say "breakdown", what do you mean exactly (sounds serious... not sure how to take it).

Sometimes having a cry, or expressing emotions in some other way can be helpful, I've found.

Be well.

SD

[onmyway]

what I mean by breakdown is just an an emotional inability to function. I really should allow myself to cry more often, but i just don't. things can feel really dark sometimes, and i just get extremely overwhelmed. i feel anxious and have to remind myself to breath, my body tells me i don't want food although i still make myself eat, i can never get my mind to just shut up and let me sleep. it effects everything. Its really difficult to motivate myself to go to school, or get up to go to work every morning. My body feels so heavy. I just feel sad all the time, and even though stuff is going on, it feels like more than is necessary or reasonable. Last week when I started to cry for the first time in a while I ended up having a panic attack. I've only ever had one serious one before and it was when i was a kid. Now I'm honestly scared to cry again because I'm afraid it will happen again. pretty much been recovering since. My hands are shaking even now just typing about it. I am amazed by people who can deal with actual anxiety disorders and consistent panic attacks. My heart goes out to them.