wish I could go back

[dare i say it]

I wish I could go back in time and talk to myself when I was about 8 years old. I feel like that kid deserves an explanation for why his life is so confusing and difficult, or at least a warning about how bad it's going to get. I'd try to explain to him that having weaknesses is not the same as being a bad person. I'd tell him not to confuse humility with criticizing himself in an exaggerated way. So much I want to tell that boy!

By that age I had already gotten it into my head that there was something unacceptable about me. Sure, other people had flaws, but they deserved compassion and forgiveness. By some twisted reasoning I felt I should not be as kind to myself. Sadly, what came next was a lifetime (so far) of depression and anxiety. I closed myself off from the world a long time ago and I almost never let people get to know the real me. Even writing this forum post, which is basically anonymous, is hard for me.

I'm 33 now. I've had a few jobs, but it's been quite a struggle to keep one from more than a couple of years. I've only had one serious relationship, and I eventually found I couldn't maintain that either. I have a hard time expressing negative emotions. Pessimism clouds my thinking quite a bit. I often feel like I don't understand what it's like to be normal.

Please don't be too bummed out by what I've written here. I insist on having at least some hope, and I continue to look for ways to make my life better. I look forward to hearing about some of your ups and downs as well. Thank you for reading this.

Cheers,
Dan

[Moon Unit]

Hello Dan,

I am glad that you have found this forum and Paul's podcast. It has been a really positive thing for me especially when I am feeling particularly low. I get that feeling of being somehow different and wrong as a kid. I can't remember a time that I wasn't aware of how I didn't seem to fit in with my family or anywhere for that matter. As Paul would say "you're not alone".

-Moon Unit

[dare i say it]

thanks

[manuel_moe_g]

I wish I could go back in time and talk to myself when I was about 8 years old.

Oh yeah, I know that feeling. I have had to give up that feeling because it was bumming myself out too much, feeling very resentful how I wasn't given any tools at all to deal with my life and then have decades just drift away.

Now I try to make sure I don't feel the same about today from the vantage point of 10 years out!

I just wish the process wasn't so slow, I wish I could have just snapped my fingers and pulled myself together at age 25 when I had my major breakdown. But that just isn't me, my anxiety and need to bring my anxiety down with distractions makes my progress slow.

But I don't think that medicating for anxiety is the way to go, I have nothing like a panic attack, it is just a low grade wearing away and feeling tired so I want to sleep my life away to escape.

I feel pretty good about my forward progress, I certainly have a lot more tools than I had even two years ago, and I just went through a major depressive episode (I knew it because my sex drive dropped to nothing) and I got through it without everything falling apart because of all the tools I have now. So that really makes me feel better.

Take care, all the best, cheers!

[CallSignKay]

Welcome to the forum, Dan! I can totally relate giving others a pass but not yourself, or wondering what it would be like to be normal. But I'm learning that everyone has their own normal and all we can do is strive to be the best version of ourselves. I totally thought I would have my act together by the time I was 35 but nope. Here I am single, living with my parents, working part-time for litle more than minimum wage and working on yet another degree that may or may not lead to gainful employment. The last therapist I went to told me that I was a catch, but I certainly don't believe that. I'm more inclined to believe the woman at the temp agency who looked at my resume, decided that all the gaps in my employment history made me look like an unreliable flake and basically dismissed me. That was one of my lowest points after losing my job last year; other people would probably take it in stride but I let this stranger who had no idea of my character or abilities completely nullify me.

I know I don't deserve that, and neither do you. Despite my situation, I'm in a better place mentally than I have been for years. I have a great, supportive boss at my new job, and school gives me a schedule and goals and a place to meet people. Hope is a wonderful thing to have. So chin up, take care, and we'll be here.

[manuel_moe_g]

Despite my situation, I'm in a better place mentally than I have been for years. I have a great, supportive boss at my new job, and school gives me a schedule and goals and a place to meet people.

This is an awesome place to be in, and you have the perfect attitude to take advantage of it. All the best!

[dare i say it]

First, thank you for the very warm welcome. It seems like this forum is filled with exceptionally good-hearted, thoughtful people. I was touched by the story of your visit to the temp agency. I would bet that your former therapist knew you better than the temp lady. Therapists are generally more perceptive than the average person. They train specifically to evaluate people. (I would put more stock in what a therapist says.)

I've always had a hard time taking compliments. A very long time ago I decided that accepting a compliment would make me arrogant. Along with that I think I confused humility with criticizing myself, sometimes viciously. I'm working hard to change that habit, but it's still uncomfortable for me to say, or think, or write things like, "I'm a good guy."

[Paul Gilmartin]

Dan,
Welcome. I don't know why its so hard to show ourselves the compassion we show others. But I can tell you I absolutely struggle every day with it. Before I logged in, I was there. I don't feel that way after reading people's postings in the forum and in particular yours and the exchanges that followed. I'm feeling warm and fuzzy seeing you guys connect and help each other. It sucks that we have to go through this stuff to get to this place, but when I feel a part of something bigger than myself, it sure is nice. So thanks for taking the time to open up.

Paul