New around here...Nice to find this podcast and page.

[SKGBJJ]

Hello all, I found out about this podcast via Paul's appearance on the WTF podcast. I'm excited to get some thoughts down and hopeful for whatever feedback that may be available around here.
I'm 30 years old and have been struggling pretty consistently for about 2.5 years. I'm not really sure where to start. I've deleted and started this post 3 times now, my goal is just to send some thoughts out into the universe and this seems like a good place to start. I have been struggling with increasing depression and anxiety attacks. My first attempt at medication came with Ambien to increase consistency of sleep, which has been a struggle for as long as i can remember. Very recently started with Xanax, so far so good, no adverse side effects at this point and it has been helpful in the evenings mostly.

I was in a relationship that started perfectly about 3.5 years ago. I then made a series of pretty awful decisions, and I hurt an amazing person and kind of left a wake of negativity (relationship ending about a year ago). Around that time I started to experience a lot of shame and guilt and self hatred. I began working as a travel Speech Pathologist, and moved to New England shortly after that relationship ended. It was a fresh start and I was happy with the way things turned out, starting over in a way. I thought it would be a good idea to return home since I have a young niece and two nephews and I'd like to see them much more often. Since returning home a rush of the same anxiety and fear and shame have come rushing back. I don't really know what to make of my current situation, relatively successful in work, proud of the work I do, for the most part. But it feels like my default setting is sadness and pain. This feeling is dull, hard to pin point but relatively constant. I'm able to laugh and enjoy myself at times, but I'm rarely able to let go and just enjoy these little moments completely. I feel flat, tired and sad. I cry a lot now but it's sometimes helpful. I'm having a hard time forgiving myself for what I've done in the past, I think I'm a good person on some level but I don't really know anymore.

Time to wrap up, I recently took a short trip back to Massachusetts, for a visit. On the morning of my flight I had a series of thoughts and I'm attempting not to label it positive or negative, just kind of exploring it I guess and any feedback would be great...Before leaving for the airport I had a vision of the plane crashing, this didn't lead to any anxiety or fear at all. It was very much the opposite and there was a sense of relief attached to it. That line of thinking continued into my flights and I would experience a rush of disappointment each time we landed safely. This was unsettling, I hadn't had any of these fantasies regarding death in the past, so I'm not really sure what to make of it. I feel trapped, held hostage by decisions that were made long ago. I feel like those initial feelings from several years ago have kind of grown into a monster of their own and I'm ill-equipped to keep them at bay sometimes.

This was sort of a stream of consciousness rambling, so, for whoever may come across this, I'm sorry that this is not very organized.

[manuel_moe_g]

Welcome to the forum, SKGBJJ, hope you enjoy it!

I was going to try to offer advice from my autobiography, but that might just be a manifestation of my petty-ego. So I will simply honor your pain - you don't deserve a life where dying in an airplane crash would be a relief - you deserve better. Please take care, we here are all cheering for your greatest today and tomorrow!

[BecomingKind]

Manuel: what if the things you were going to say are helpful to someone? Witholding is not less selfish than sharing even if it is from your ego. It is impossible to shed the ego completely anyway, so we might as well make it useful.

I have had very similar visions and thoughts of dying and it being a relief. It's not supposed to be easy to forgive and heal yourself, so the brain looks for (guilt-free) escapes.

Reliving memories, feeling trapped by decisions, shame and guilt, I have all that.

My take is not to try to "erase" it (with meds for example), to forget or escape from the emotions. I believe the emotions are there to teach you something. Whatever the lesson is, it needs to be integrated into your personality in a way that it loses its "potency". Nothing should be "kept at bay".

The episode with Alycia Schlesinger talks about this. I'm listening through it to find a quote. Anyway. If you start to view experiences, and maybe your life as a whole, as lessons meant to teach you something then your memories start to have different meaning and impact. I can't find what I was looking for but at about 43 minutes in she talks about releasing emotions and clearing. She talks about a relationship with a guy as a gift because it caused here to scrutinize her beliefs and motivations.

For me, I think the point with guilt from hurting others is to illustrate the pattern that causes it. There will probably be earlier mirrored situations (where you were hurt) and somewhere behind that is probably an ego-related belief about the roles in relationships; "I'm valuable when XYZ happens ...", and so on. For example, I find women who are unavailable to be valuable, therefore I must also be unavailable in order to be valuable. Everytime the pattern repeats itself it gets worse, until you recognize it and are forced to resolve it.

[SKGBJJ]

Sincere thanks for the replies. What a great thing this is. manuel_moe_g: Please, I'd love to hear anything that you have to offer.

BecomingKind: Thank you for sharing you're thoughts as well, I like the idea of "clearing" a lot. Also the realization that memories and negative experiences exist on a different plain and can never really be altered, erased. I like the idea of integrating them, like ingredients into a big mixing bowl becoming something else completely.

Thanks again!

[manuel_moe_g]

SKGBJJ, I am re-starting professional therapy after a long break - my first session will be tomorrow at 10am, and I am kind of anxious about it, because my past experiences were mainly negative.

But some kind of cognitive therapy from self-help books or a professional therapist can be a very wise addition to medication. Relying solely on medication can set you up for failure because medication rarely has the same therapeutic effect over a long time. For example, my mom has suffered greatly as she has had to change medication, because finding the right medication and dosage is tricky, and not 100% guaranteed.