Sometimes the show tests my emotions' willingness to be fair

[Son & Air]

For example, the last episode as well as the "Sexually Inappropriate Parents" one, it was hard for me to listen to without thinking things like

"Okay, wonderful. So your mommy gave you a few too long hugs. You still seem to have come out of it with love relationships, places to call home and jobs, even careers. My mother SUCKED MY DICK and I don't have ANY of that."

I want to stress that these selfish thoughts are by no means all that I think and feel about the podcast, and that I know that mental illness is not a competition. I apologize in advance to Paul or anyone else who felt the expression of them was too brutal. I was just trying to be honest about some of the thoughts and feelings that recent episodes have stirred up in me.

Let's return to calmer shores, as the Sklar Bros. would say.

My username is both a reference to that sexual abuse I suffered at the hands of my mother, and to the Smiths song How Soon Is Now?

I'm 40 years old and in therapy. If you asked me if I had any hope I'd say to you no, except inasmuch as continuing to live being itself an action of hope.

I have no children, I've never been married and the last time I had a girlfriend was long, long ago. I was (and am) the only child of a single parent, and remain way too enmeshed in my mother's life, and vice-versa.

I've been unemployed for several years, coinciding with the time where I really got hit in the face by the reality of what happened to me and that it was something I needed to work on. I survive on food stamps and cash benefits plus a lot is still paid for by that very same mother--financially being just one of the ways in which we're too enmeshed, as I said. I've lived where I am now for over a year.

I swim three times a week with rare exceptions.

It would be a great understatement to say that I have clutter issues; I used to have hoarding issues too but a combination of financial, spatial and emotion realities blew them away. Too be more clear: I no longer have the money to acquire all the things I might want (so I make HEAVY use of my local library), and I wouldn't have a place to put it all anyway.

The last time I moved I ended up leaving a lot of things behind, which causes the occasional twinge but it was a time when my depression was maybe at its most out-of-control and I needed to get OUT.

I've never taken any illegal drugs or smoked a cigarette; I will drink on a social occasion but I'm rarely in one of those occasions anymore.

Let's see, I mentioned that I'm in therapy, I also take meds. I've been listening to Paul's podcast since the Annabelle Gurwitch episode. I have more to say, but it's got to be the time when I like to start getting ready to go to bed, so I think I'll just submit what I've said so far.

[fifthsonata]

I wish I had a good response after reading that. I commend you on your ability to keep going - really. It sounds so trivial but it speaks strongly of your strength.


Welcome.

[Son & Air]

Thank you.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Son&Air,
I am not offended at all. I totally relate to how my mind wants me to compare and separate me from others. I'm so sorry to hear about the abuse your mother inflicted on you. Sadly, I know cases like yours are more common than most people think.

I want to cover some more territory on females who are sexually predatory. I think most of society is in the dark ages with knowing about the extent and impact of this. For some reason they think males can't be injured if they have an erection. For a long time I did as well.

If you'd care to open up more, shoot me an email at mentalpod@gmail.com

I'm sorry you're hurting, but I'm glad you're here. I think we all are. And I'm glad you haven't given up hope.

Paul