31, Widowed Mom of 2 with One on the Way

[ms_depression707]

Hello,

I'm a 31 year old mom of two who has suffered from severe depression for as long as I can remember.

My life was a continuous spew of drama from the time I was born up until about four years ago. I was born to a severely depressed mother and both my parents did drugs. My mother walked out the door when I was five and i was left to live with a father who sexually abused me. He re-married a witch when I was seven and they both beat me up until I was nine. My father then drove me to a small city about four away from our town and left me at a bus stop. He called my aunt and asked her to come get me. I never saw him again until my 18th birthday (thank god).

My mom died when I was 16 from a heart attack brought on by her lifestyle and smoking. I continued in her pattern and became an addict (of everything). I was addicted to drugs, alcohol, men, affection, excitement and just about anything I could get my hands on. I dated abusive men and the worse they were, the more I liked them. It was like I had a deathwish. I dropped out of school and started working full time when I was 17. Thankfully, I went back and finished school at a later date and never managed to get fired from a job (although I would show up hung over and late on a regular basis).

When I was 20 I met a guy who happened to be a drug dealer as well as a gang leader and boy was I happy. This was the worst of the worst, and i loved it. Needless to say, I got pregnant four months later and my son was born. This is when my life changed. I had always not cared about myself but then I realized I was responsible for the well being of this little soul. My husband went to jail and he was "inside" until my son was 2.5. I waited for him like a good "wife" and got pregnant with my daughter the day he was released. Four months later, I moved out in the middle of the night when I realized things weren't going to change in his life. I no longer did drugs and I was working a decent job. My life didn't make sense anymore to me and I felt like I lived a double life - good during the day at work and then going home to a drug dealer who went against everything I had grown to believe. It wasn't really my husband's fault as I knew what I was getting into but I didn't want to subject my kids to him anymore. I left and went to live in government housing. I gave up my house, cars and financial freedom to make my little family's life better.

About a month later my husband was murdered. Even though I had left him, I was completely crushed. I had to identify his bullet ridden body and go through grief with two young kids to raise. That was the lowest point of my life. I romantisized him and it took me a long time to realize he had brought on a lot of the darkness in his life. When I look back, i realize that my kids and I would have never been really able to get away from him as he always found us. He also suffered from depression.

I've gotten involved with a new good guy that I've known since high school and he is everything that I need. But I'm still suffering a lot from mind numbing depression. I'm also expecting my 3rd child who is due in December. I've never been able to keep up friendships and have secluded myself. I work full time and look after my kids but feel like I'm a hermit. I don't have a life outside my house anymore as I work from home. I take Effexor and go to therapy but still go through highs and lows.

Just now, I ended a friendship with someone that drained the life out of me, but I'm feeling awful about it. I told her that I couldn't handle her negativity anymore and I needed to walk away. But now I feel guilty like I did something wrong.

Sorry for the ranting. This ended up being a much longer post than I intended! I look forward to getting to know some of you! So happy I found this place.

[Bunnicula Spanx]

Thank you so much for sharing your story! Welcome
Your post was not too long...some people have been through more than others, and some have been through different issues (maybe some would consider "less" devastating) but are still plagued similar emotional trauma. As Paul would say, "you are not alone" Continue to share, we all would love to hear your journey!

[ms_depression707]

Thanks for your reply! The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast was the first place that actually made me feel "normal" and "less fucked up" if that makes sense. So many times, I think that I'm in a "crazy" league of my own.