Hi there, folks.

[toph23]

I'm having a good day today, and that's why I decided to introduce myself. If I can be honest about my illness on a good day, it gives me the perspective to understand that my bad days won't last forever.

About me: I'm a mid-30s guy from rural North Carolina. I like to fashion myself as a freelance writer even though those checks haven't hit the mailbox in a while now. My last "real", steady job was as a retail manager, and I was really good at it until I started to have emotional breakdowns and just couldn't stand being in the public eye anymore. Because of this, I haven't had health insurance in years and thusly have never been able to see anyone to help me with my illness in a professional setting. I'm sure that there are low-cost options for mental health in my area, but I haven't found them yet.

My depression is a cyclical animal that lays me out every three weeks, almost without fail. The typical month starts out fine, if a little gray. I will feel functional but a little muted, like every emotion is a little fuzzy. The second week is when I usually feel pretty great. I wouldn't consider it a mania because life goes on as usual, but my moods is great and I love life. The third week is a downward slide from there, and I wind up feeling irritable and ornery with those feelings getting worse as the days go by. The fourth week is when the depression roars. I slouch and the muscled in my back tense as if I am carrying a literal weight. That's when I know to separate from everyone and be alone for a few days. During this time I am hopeless, get very emotional at the drop of a hat, and everything good in my life feels made out of ash. In a few days these feelings start to fade and there is always a moment when I know I am on the other side, like opening a window in a musty room. Things clear, I start to feel better, and the cycle starts again.

Mental illness and suicide run in both sides of my family, and I think about suicide virtually every day, but in a philosophical way more than a practical one. I haven't had real suicidal urges since I was a teenager and I was struggling with my sexuality (and the relation of my homosexuality to my extreme religious upbringing). I think making it through all of that gave me the strength to make it through the bad times now. I have no real issues now with my gayness or my rejection of conventional organized religion, because if there is something in my like that is hurting me, I carve it out and replace it with something new. Too bad I can't do that with my broken clock of a head.

Anyway, that's my crazy in a nutshell. I love myself until I don't, and then I try to love myself again. I feel good until I feel bad, but I can look forward to feeling good again.

I'm extremely lucky in that even though I know for certain I will soon feel like shit, I also know that I will feel good again.

I'm also looking forward to joining this community and helipng others feel stronger in their weaknesses.

[Nevina]

That is so wonderful. Big HUGS to you, and welcome. I'm glad that you can see the cycle, and know that when you're in the deepest trough you know you'll rise out of it with time. I'm really glad you're here.