A life full if incest and love

[KershyJoe]

Hello, my name is Joe.

I'm male, early 20's, living in my own flat in England. I suffer frequently from minor to severe depression and self hatred. I'm know to binge eat or starve myself to the point that it makes me ill. I work from home, and I'm very good at my job, because of that, I make a very healthy income, which I spend on almost nothing. I don't know what to do with my days other than work. I often lose my interest in films, video games, people, sports etc. But sometimes I become obsessed with one thing, and have been known to spend up to £2000 within one week on certain obsessions, such as buying a home cinema, and then not using it after one week, or buying hundreds of pounds on inane shit that I lose interest in very quickly.
Despite all these things, I think I am a nice and kind person, often generous when it comes to charities or birthdays. I just prefer to speak through typing than face-to-face.
I'm scared as fuck to talk to absolutely anyone face-to-face, including my family.

All except my sister, who is helping me over-come my recent fear with talking to people. We're making really great process.

My relationship with my sister as a young child was normal. We grew up in a very kind family, but my father was a man of principles, and was often very strict. He wasn't one to show emotion, or allow other's to show this. Nevertheless, my upbringing was probably more cushioned than most's, which I am grateful for. My sister and I did become very close however at the age of 10. My sister has always been extremely beautiful, and has always been the center of attention for the guys. She's two years older than me, and when we were at school together, she would often have to turn down guys asking her out. My sister and I used to talk to each other really deeply about school, from a very early age, even if most of it was girls and guys we thought were pretty. One night when I was 11 and she was 13, we looked throw a "where babies come from" book and were laughing at all the pictures of willies, and vaginas, the people having sec and diagrams, thinking it was hilarious. As a boy just starting puberty, (I grew up much faster than boys my age, I was the first one to have a beard, I was the first one who's voice broke etc) I got an erection, looking at one of the pictures. Boners were nothing new to me at the time, and the concept of jacking off was just whacking my dick left and right until it felt good. I was still very alien to sex and it's maturity. My sister clearly noticed the outline of my penis through my pajama bottoms. She told me to take off my bottoms, to see if it looked like the ones in the book. I thought that was a hilarious idea, and asked her to do the same. She didn't. Instead she grasped my penis and began rubbing it. She said things like, I wanted to try this or something I barely remember, I was just in shock. I was really confused with what was happening. I was sort of shocked out of this state of confusion when I reached orgasm. She told me if I enjoyed it. I couldn't like, I definitely didn't dislike it. I asked her why she did it and I remember her just laughing as if it were no big deal. She masturbated me like this over the next few months. She would come to my room just after bed-time, and ask me if I wanted to do it again. I began to love these moments with my sister, not so much in a sexual way, but more because we had been closer than ever before. I never had many friends, and I was always jealous of my sister being so popular.

The masturbating slowed down when she reached 14, she got a her first 'boyfriend' if you can call it that, but it only lasted a month or two at most. We still stayed close but never THAT close. When I reached 14 or 15, me and my sister had sex. My parents had gone out to the pub with some friends, so my sister and I watched TV in the living room. Late night TV always lead to shitty programs that we would laugh at together at how bad it was. We had deep conversations about each other's social lives, and how my sister was pissed off that her boobs weren't getting bigger. My sister has always bee very physically fit, her boobs even now are about a b cup and it's been a huge anchor on her for her entire life. She wants to get a boob job in the future, but I always tell her it doesn't matter. To be honest I don't like big boobs, but she always points out and envies girls with D+ etc. So we were watching TV late one night, at around 11:30 - 12am, when those stupid sex shows comes on. Not necessarily porn, but soft-core porn with more a documentary type feel. I had always had feelings for my sister, and often masturbated to the thought of her. As we were watching, she brought up how she would jack me off. Although we were close, our previous sexual exploits were never mentioned. Ever. This was a huge shock to me, as I never saw it coming. I joked about it, and took it lightly, but it was clear she was in a 'serious' mood. She asked me if I missed it. I didn't answer. Truth is I missed it everyday, and wished I was older when she did it for me to know what was happening. I looked at her and at that moment, I thought she was the most innocent and beautiful thing I'd ever seen. I leaned into her and kissed her on the cheek. She giggled so I did it again, and before I knew it, I had my hand up her top and her tongue in my mouth. Everything seemed so right, yet at the same time I knew of the feelings and the stigma that came with incest. I didn't care, at that moment it was just me and her. She took control of what we were doing and took off my clothes. We proceeded to have sex with a condom she was given at school in some sort of sex education class. She put it on me and we had a minute of the most pleasurable bliss we had ever had. Each second felt like an hour before I came, and we both admitted that we had strong feelings for each other that went beyond brother - sister. For years we had sex, very frequently whenever it was just me and her in the house. She would also come sleep in my room after my parents had gone, and we'd snuggle and tell each other about our deepest thoughts. These were some of the happiest moments of my life, being able to share with someone so closely and deeply. I told her about my growing sense of social anxiety towards the end of high school and she brought up the point that we should move out when I finish. I had no intentions of going to college, and neither did my sister. She was already working (and still is) in an animal shelter in our home-town. We did just that, and would tell people including our parents that we moved in together because "it's cheaper".

We lived together in a flat for a few years, but was stopped as I had to go away for 6 months to do training for my job I was getting. Whilst I was gone, i developed my fear of talking to people, and my depression that had started ages ago grew. During this time, I had very little conversations with my sister, Only the odd text or email. She got a boyfriend during this time, who also works at the same animal hospital. She told me that she was moving out, and that I could live in that flat because of all the money i was going to be making in my new job. I live there now, but to my surprise, still have a very intimate relationship with my sister. We have sex very frequently, even though she has a boyfriend. It's been six months since then, and I can't build the courage to ask her about her boyfriend, with fear of unsettling our relationship. She tells me she loves me and I love her, still on a more that brother-sister level. I don't know what I should do. All I do is work, sleep and feel shit. Whenever my sister comes round, which is almost every day, I feel bliss, I am the most happy, and she eat dinner together, and laugh and cry together. I don't know if her boyfriend knows about our relationship, as I am paralyzed to ask, and she rarely brings him up in conversation.

I am Joe. Thanks for listening to my life. Have any of you had incestuous relationships with family members that went past childhood, and hasn't effected you negatively?

[ghughes1980]

Welcome, I'm not sure what to say.

[oak]

Agreed with hughes.

What is a good outcome for your situation? What do you hope for?

[fifthsonata]

Hi, Joe.

I think you know the answer to that question.

I would really encourage you to see a counselor. It doesn't have to be about the incest. You've outlined symptoms of depression, here. Start with that. We'll be happy to help you in finding one if you want.

[eshkol]

Hey Joe,
I also feel puzzled as to what to say to your story, but just want you to know that I wish you all the best.

Go to therapy and keep your head up, no matter how weird or complicated your situation might seem. I am sure that what you're going through has a solution.

e.