Hi all.
Basics on me: Male, 32 years old, single, never married, no kids, have a masters degree, employed, financially stable, and by all normal external judgement most would say successful. My parents are still together and my younger sister is also similarly successful. Maybe outside of this circle some people would say, "well things must be perfect for you", but I'm hoping others can understand my struggles despite seeming to "have it made". I have listened to several of the podcasts and in hearing the readings of listeners has been helpful in making me feel less unusual and more "normal".
I'll start by saying that I regularly see a great therapist that I found after having spending several years with another one that just wasn't right for me. I would say that overall my "diagnosis" would be depression, obsessive thoughts, and self doubt. The last two being highly intertwined. Would also say that I may be "co-dependent" in nature, I have always felt better in relationships than not, but I am also identifying that all too often in relationships I put in huge amount of efforts in the attempt of pleasing my mate. I am finding myself truly single for the first time in years right now and I am struggling with it because of my own predispositions and the fact that my ex, "Jade", has some issues of her own including being a (?) recovered (not sure if that is the correct term) anorexic.
I'm working through more and more in my head both with and without my therapist's help, I'll call him "Bob". During my lifetime I have always strived to not be arrogant because I feel it is a very ugly thing. In doing so, I have spent my life and career dodging compliments that come my way. It is some weird form of attempt at making myself out to feel like "just an ordinary guy", to be a hard worker that l strive to be. I feel like hard work is the best characteristic of a person. I have been told that I look on the negative too much, which may be true, but I don't always feel that I am. I feel more like I try to realize what could go wrong so i am prepared for it, and it f doesn't occur, great. Also, i have the bad habit of letting the one bad event, lead me into thinking about something that I'm bad at, and it just feeds and feeeds until I am in a deep hole. I'm working on that and I am improving. Now i guess I am really struggling with the fact that I am single. I very much have wanted to be married and be in a happy relationship for as long as I can remember. I feel like I am a good guy, financially stable, in shape, moderately attractive, kind, very willing to "work" with my partner on any issue that may arise.... so why can't I convert any of my relationships into a healthy, satisfying marriage? struggle with the thoughts of "there must just be something wrong with me" and jealousy of my friends that are married and seemingly "on-track" (having kids, family life, etc). With the few dates I have been on since Jade, none of which have I felt an intense connection with for various reasons, mostly just feeling like there's not the right "substance" to these women. But, I feel like everyday there are less and less "fish in the sea" so to speak and everyday that goes by is another nail in the coffin that I will forever be on my own. I plan to try to write a full post on this when I find the right place to categorize it.
Jade and I were together over 2 years. Where I am struggling is truly letting go of Jade because I feel like she is putting herself in danger and is never going to get to root of her problems. During our relationship, I had tried to encourage her to return to therapy for what I felt was a transference of her ED into an Exercise Obsession that I feel like is a way for her to hide from her problems never really getting past them and a danger to her physical health. Reading a few posts in the eating disorder column, it seems as if my concerns are wrong as people that have "recovered" from ED are often physical fitness junkies to have a healthier outlet for their obsessive thoughts. However, from my experience in the relationship ranging from her bathroom habits (disappearing for long times, frequent IBS) to offhandedly doing a body composition thing together at a health fair hearing her body fat % as 8.5%, I feel like several things give credence to my concerns. I don't want to and can't be with her any longer and have accepted that will not change; it is hard to me to live in the same town as her and erase my concerns for her as a person that I care about that isn't dealing with her problems and is possibly putting her health at risks. To express what I'm thinking on that issue and give more background, I need to post on it separately as well. I guess from reading articles in the ED section, I feel that I will be told that I am the one that is wrong/treading inappropriately on the topic. Have been hoping maybe if I can get some feedback of people with more experience with ED that I can at least understand the issue better. And see if my concerns are silly or make sense.
Thanks for listening out there. Hopefully you made it to the end.
Hi. Not sure where to start.
Re: Hi. Not sure where to start.
Canyon, hello and welcome to forum. I am glad you posted.
And oh boy can I identify with what you wrote. You are most certainly not alone, my friend.
As a 37 yo, single/never married man with a masters, I also struggle with accepting compliments.
Speaking only for myself, I believe that the culture I live in (American) does not properly celebrate male beauty. Thus on the rare times I receive compliments, I am super awkward!
I am sorry to hear your relationship with Jade ended. Tough love: she is gone, and may well never come back.
Good news:
I am of the firm opinion that a man starts his prime at 35, and many guys just start to get cool at ages 29 to 32-ish. I firmly believe that 50 is the pinnacle of a man's prime, with another 15 years of vigor to follow. In fact, many men in their 70s and 80s are full of vigor and love themselves.
Dating wise, a man becomes very attractive in his 30s, 40s, and 50s. And many men increase their qualities of dating/marriage partners.
As a 37 year old rake, I have my choice of women to pursue. As with men, age with women is just a number.
A man in his 30s has possibilities. Very very rich ones.
As far as Jade, this is advice easier to say than to live: if she is going to make choices about eating and exercise, then she will make them.
If you don't want to be with her, then hard as it is, try to let her go. Maybe she needs to move on to experience spiritual growth elsewhere.
Again, easy to say, hard to live.
You sound like a good guy. If you act wisely, you can date as much as you, of the exact type and demographic you desire.
Thanks for posting, and I'll look forward to more posts from you.
And oh boy can I identify with what you wrote. You are most certainly not alone, my friend.
As a 37 yo, single/never married man with a masters, I also struggle with accepting compliments.
Speaking only for myself, I believe that the culture I live in (American) does not properly celebrate male beauty. Thus on the rare times I receive compliments, I am super awkward!
I am sorry to hear your relationship with Jade ended. Tough love: she is gone, and may well never come back.
Good news:
I am of the firm opinion that a man starts his prime at 35, and many guys just start to get cool at ages 29 to 32-ish. I firmly believe that 50 is the pinnacle of a man's prime, with another 15 years of vigor to follow. In fact, many men in their 70s and 80s are full of vigor and love themselves.
Dating wise, a man becomes very attractive in his 30s, 40s, and 50s. And many men increase their qualities of dating/marriage partners.
As a 37 year old rake, I have my choice of women to pursue. As with men, age with women is just a number.
A man in his 30s has possibilities. Very very rich ones.
As far as Jade, this is advice easier to say than to live: if she is going to make choices about eating and exercise, then she will make them.
If you don't want to be with her, then hard as it is, try to let her go. Maybe she needs to move on to experience spiritual growth elsewhere.
Again, easy to say, hard to live.
You sound like a good guy. If you act wisely, you can date as much as you, of the exact type and demographic you desire.
Thanks for posting, and I'll look forward to more posts from you.
Work is love made visible. -Kahlil Gibran
A person with a "why" can endure any "how". -Viktor Frankl
Which is better: to be born good or to overcome your evil nature through great effort? -Skyrim
A person with a "why" can endure any "how". -Viktor Frankl
Which is better: to be born good or to overcome your evil nature through great effort? -Skyrim
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Canyoneero
- Posts: 3
- Joined: June 30th, 2013, 7:02 am
Re: Hi. Not sure where to start.
Thank-you Oak. You've made my afternoon. I'm feeling a little more sane/less alone. You've given me some hope. I should have done this sooner, so much sooner.
Regardless of what I think Jade should do for herself to be healthy, I guess it is really like you say, not really important. I cannot be around a destructive person, especially with my tendencies and propensities. Issues of that nature are something that one can only get help on when one is WILLING to accept it. I guess I have such strong feelings for the topic because perhaps I feel like it was a contributing factor to the end of the relationship; a relationship I was working very hard to make work(which i guess is also a sign, that while relationships do take "work" at some level it shouldn't feel so much like work). I have found in studying myself with my therapist that it is very easy for me to feel hurt by people, but very hard to express anger at either people or events... It usually just bubbles out in the form of sadness and hurt. I'm working at getting in touch with anger, I know it's not good to be angry forever or really for a long time, but sometimes you just have to express it some.
As far as it goes for me, I have to do a better job at reigning in my people pleasing tendencies. It makes me a ripe target to be manipulated and Sometimes I think that the only thing that makes me happy is making other people happy. The old adage of you have to make yourself happy by yourself before you can be happy with anyone else is true. I guess it's hard for me to understand what that happiness is. It's not that I'm miserable all the time or anything, I guess life just seems very scheduled, planned, and it's almost as if everyday is the same regardless of whether it is a weekend or not. Again, not like things are terrible, just very ... flat, mundane? I know this will change, but wish it were soon
again, thanks for responding, gives me a little peace.
Regardless of what I think Jade should do for herself to be healthy, I guess it is really like you say, not really important. I cannot be around a destructive person, especially with my tendencies and propensities. Issues of that nature are something that one can only get help on when one is WILLING to accept it. I guess I have such strong feelings for the topic because perhaps I feel like it was a contributing factor to the end of the relationship; a relationship I was working very hard to make work(which i guess is also a sign, that while relationships do take "work" at some level it shouldn't feel so much like work). I have found in studying myself with my therapist that it is very easy for me to feel hurt by people, but very hard to express anger at either people or events... It usually just bubbles out in the form of sadness and hurt. I'm working at getting in touch with anger, I know it's not good to be angry forever or really for a long time, but sometimes you just have to express it some.
As far as it goes for me, I have to do a better job at reigning in my people pleasing tendencies. It makes me a ripe target to be manipulated and Sometimes I think that the only thing that makes me happy is making other people happy. The old adage of you have to make yourself happy by yourself before you can be happy with anyone else is true. I guess it's hard for me to understand what that happiness is. It's not that I'm miserable all the time or anything, I guess life just seems very scheduled, planned, and it's almost as if everyday is the same regardless of whether it is a weekend or not. Again, not like things are terrible, just very ... flat, mundane? I know this will change, but wish it were soon
again, thanks for responding, gives me a little peace.
Re: Hi. Not sure where to start.
Hi Canyoneero -
I can identify with so much of what you describe. Coming from a "perfect" family, looking to the world like you have your shit together but secretly feeling like you are struggling. The people-pleasing/codependent tendencies also. Regarding your relationship, it is so, so hard to deal with someone else's chaos and self-destructive behavior. I have been struggling with this in my marriage for years. You know that you can't "fix" her - and that her well-being is ultimately her responsibility, and your responsibility to yourself is to not surround yourself with toxic people and chaos - but there is so much fear in the unknown and safety (of a sort) in the familiar (if chaotic). I think we have a lot to compare notes on in the future. For now, I'm glad that you're here and that you are seeking other supportive voices in addition to your therapist.
I can identify with so much of what you describe. Coming from a "perfect" family, looking to the world like you have your shit together but secretly feeling like you are struggling. The people-pleasing/codependent tendencies also. Regarding your relationship, it is so, so hard to deal with someone else's chaos and self-destructive behavior. I have been struggling with this in my marriage for years. You know that you can't "fix" her - and that her well-being is ultimately her responsibility, and your responsibility to yourself is to not surround yourself with toxic people and chaos - but there is so much fear in the unknown and safety (of a sort) in the familiar (if chaotic). I think we have a lot to compare notes on in the future. For now, I'm glad that you're here and that you are seeking other supportive voices in addition to your therapist.
I have been married for almost 14 years, and we don't have kids or a house. Our marriage is not satisfying to me and not healthy to either of us. We are much more aware of our individual problems and the dysfunctional patterns that made things as bad as they are, but I am in constant fear that we will never correct them in time... or that she will never live up to her side of the bargain. I always feel like there must be something wrong with me (even with the problems that are 100% hers, because I'm the dumbass who married her and I am too guilty/scared/whatever to ever draw a line in the sand and say enough is enough - I'm not willing to put up with X, Y, or Z any longer). And I am so jealous of other people with their kids and houses and other things, and I feel so ashamed sometimes. I hear you 100%. And you know what - there are women out there who are dying for a guy like you or me. I'm really starting to believe that now, and I think that if I were single I would have a lot more self-confidence and be a lot more choosy.I very much have wanted to be married and be in a happy relationship for as long as I can remember. I feel like I am a good guy, financially stable, in shape, moderately attractive, kind, very willing to "work" with my partner on any issue that may arise.... so why can't I convert any of my relationships into a healthy, satisfying marriage? struggle with the thoughts of "there must just be something wrong with me" and jealousy of my friends that are married and seemingly "on-track" (having kids, family life, etc)
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Canyoneero
- Posts: 3
- Joined: June 30th, 2013, 7:02 am
Re: Hi. Not sure where to start.
Weary,
Compare notes for certain.
I guess reading your post (I think it was the comment of not knowing where to draw the line in the sand) and remembering back to a time when maybe I had a little more clarity, I remembered reading the book Boundaries: When to Say Yes, how to say no to take control of your life. While the book does have slight religious leanings, not being incredibly devout myself it did help offer me a great deal of understanding about myself and how in some ways allow people to hurt me. I'm not sure if people pleasing and wanting to make your mate happy, but if nothing else I think it may give you some confidence and hope. Also, there is a website/blog called "Simple Marriage" that sends out daily emails of articles and lists. Even though I am not married, I have found the daily emails very useful.
But as you know and as the sayings go, you both are going to have to make efforts to work through things. But you'll each have to make that decision independently, that it is right for each of you respectively to move forward. But like you say, I'm well used to the feeling of trying to not rock the boat and not knowing when enough is enough. It's almost as if for me over time I lower the bar and tolerate more and more.
So, what's next? I guess we both know what we need to work on, now we just have to commit to improving.
Compare notes for certain.
I guess reading your post (I think it was the comment of not knowing where to draw the line in the sand) and remembering back to a time when maybe I had a little more clarity, I remembered reading the book Boundaries: When to Say Yes, how to say no to take control of your life. While the book does have slight religious leanings, not being incredibly devout myself it did help offer me a great deal of understanding about myself and how in some ways allow people to hurt me. I'm not sure if people pleasing and wanting to make your mate happy, but if nothing else I think it may give you some confidence and hope. Also, there is a website/blog called "Simple Marriage" that sends out daily emails of articles and lists. Even though I am not married, I have found the daily emails very useful.
But as you know and as the sayings go, you both are going to have to make efforts to work through things. But you'll each have to make that decision independently, that it is right for each of you respectively to move forward. But like you say, I'm well used to the feeling of trying to not rock the boat and not knowing when enough is enough. It's almost as if for me over time I lower the bar and tolerate more and more.
So, what's next? I guess we both know what we need to work on, now we just have to commit to improving.
Re: Hi. Not sure where to start.
That's really weird that you brought up that book (I listened to half of the audiobook last year, but the scripture references were really making it hard to stick with), because I just saw literally yesterday that it and several others by the same author are on sale in the Kindle store this month really cheap. I did find a lot of eye-opening things from that book (as well as The New Codependence by Melody Beattie). That being said, I still suck at setting boundaries. I get sucked into her depression and anxiety and shame and I yield to her over and over again. We have been at this for years, and after years of therapy for both of us, we understand and can recognize intellectually a lot of the patterns, but still get stuck in them and get overwhelmed emotionally.