Hello, everyone

[Rxanadu]

I've come to the conclusion I don't take responsibility for my actions or improving my life. Everyday, I place major things on the back burner. No matter what I do now, it feels rushed and half-hearted. I want to make a 3D model, but I wait to the afternoon to even start on it; I want to study for a test a week in advance, but I wait within two days of the test; I learned of this forum around 2 months ago (when Ashly Burch spoke on the podcast about the dead of her boyfriend), but I only came writing here until I feel like I've ruined my life a little bit more; I want to kill myself at times, but hold back on it because I'm too afraid or I hide behind a thin promise I made myself to not kill myself no matter what happened (the truth about that is I just can't do it).

For the 4-5 years I've been in college -even through high school and beyond-, I've procrastinated in nearly everything I've done, from signing up for classes, to doing homework when I clearly had enough time to do so, to asking people for advice (whether in my career choice or for things regarding my class). But the worst part of it is I always find something else to blame for my actions. Just recently, after failing one of my exams, I almost blamed it on the fact I had been depressed that day during the test. The reality was I didn't spend any or enough time studying for the exam; I had used that time to cower from it by either panicking about whether I would know enough or be smart enough to study or playing games to calm myself down (which usually ends with me shocked when I notice how late it was).

I rarely talk to anyone (another thing I procrastinate on is human interaction), but whenever I talk about my problems they immediately cut through the fat and realize I've been putting things off. At that point, I hide in myself trying to pretend everything wrong with me is from outside forces (including the verbal lashing I tend to get when talking about my personal issues).

I don't know if this is a disorder or if I'm still wasting everyone's time on this forum, but whatever is wrong with me has been plaguing me ever since I was young and even now. The worst part of my issue is I don't have the write words or discipline to properly convey my thoughts within a paragraph or less (another issue of mine: not being able to gauge what I can or should do for myself). I visited a campus counselor that also tried to bring me to the realization I rarely took responsibility for my actions.

I really don't know what to do anymore; I just want it over with.

[oak]

Hey!

You are most certainly definitely not alone.

I have struggled with procrastination, until my life is so chaotic that I can't afford it anymore.

What helps me is two things:

1. List making
2. Patience and kindness for myself

Thus, each morning I make a list of what I want to accomplish each day. The first three items are always self care: journaling, stretching and/or hiking, and listening to music.

The remaining up to seven things are for things I "should" do.

I give myself patience and kindness of taking *any* action on any of the listed things. So if spend five minutes, or thirty seconds, on a "should" item, I cross it off.

The perfect is the enemy of the good enough, for me.

So I guess holding my actions to a higher standard, and giving myself a little patience have both helped.

Hang in there.

[Rxanadu]

I've been keeping a major list of things I want to do in regards to improving my skills in my career choice (i.e. game development), but I tend to have a problem with scaling my goals properly. This results in me either spending too long on one task or abandoning it completely. I'm also bad at managing my time with these individual tasks. I fear if I leave a task, I'll miss the opportunity to do it in the future.

I still need to work on creating my tasks in terms of scale and time put into them. I recently heard of task sites that can help people with scheduling their tasks. Maybe I can use those for keeping my tasks in check.

[manuel_moe_g]

I've been keeping a major list of things I want to do in regards to improving my skills in my career choice (i.e. game development), but I tend to have a problem with scaling my goals properly. This results in me either spending too long on one task or abandoning it completely. I'm also bad at managing my time with these individual tasks

Maybe write time limits right into your task list. Also, there is always 20% of a task that gives 80% of the benefit. Do that part first, then take a break to re-group.

Please take care. All the best.