Considering trying online therapy again, I have concerns

[bigeekgirl]

Hi neufena, what you said about never doing anything right really jumped out at me. I am working to overcome the idea that there's a right and wrong in most situations or that "perfection" is even the goal in life. It's hard to do as I grew up modeled that there was an absolute right and wrong. I, of course, see myself as never doing enough or well enough. It's all a lie. We are enough. We are worthy. No matter what you do or don't do. No matter how many mistakes or bad decisions. You are inherently worthy and important.

[brownblob]

Hi neufena,
Rivergirl shared this link with me the other day. http://self-compassion.org/
It's a site where they push self compassion. They basically say that the whole self esteem thing can lead to disappointment or narcissism.

[neufena]

That sounds interesting. Sadly I find that even if things shouldn't matter to be able to function in a society that values deeds it's really important.

I'll check out the site. I'm starting a new round of therapy soon where we will be doing no congnative work but will be all emotional. Try to get me to feel and accept my emotions non judgementaly. Which may help as that sounds quite like accepting my core worth but not allowing the lack of it to hurt me anymore. (Face to Face btw, not online)

[Ihavetinnitus_mawp]

Hi neufena,

Can I ask, is a fear of yours perhaps 'being mundane or of little consequence' by any chance? I honestly often feel the way you do, but I kind of take comfort in the fact that I suck at most stuff that I try and I accept that I'm really not special and that's ok. I think what makes a person have worth is what they can give beyond themselves and that's something we are all capable of (you are too). It doesn't mean we are outstanding and yeah we're gonna fuck up and make mistakes and look or feel dumb, but if we let go of those feelings having power over us I think it can be freeing. The way you frame your reality, I picture a person shackled in a cage made of their own thoughts and emotions with the key (not giving as much of a fuck about what doesn't matter) lying just out of reach. I could be way off base with this so I apologise if so. There is an audiobook I really enjoyed called The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck that might interest or at the least entertain you. Other than that I would say if you can find a cause that you feel is worthwhile that you could put some time towards maybe it could help you exist outside of your personal reality for small amounts of time and give you a sense of being part of something larger than yourself? At the least maybe such an activity could offer reprieve from negative self talk and other difficult feeling that can often be overwhelming. All the best

Hi,

I'm in the UK so my medications are prescribed by my doctor. The mental health services here seem to go less in for diagnosis and more for treatment under a general banner of 'depression' or anxiety. I could ask to be referred to a psychiatrist but all I would get is a label to stick on how I feel. I always find it surprising the way in US everyone seems to have a detailed and long label for their issues.

As to why I feel it's the true reality is that no matter how hard I try I can never get anything right. Everything I do is not up to scratch. When I've allowed mental health professionals to falsely build my confidence I then make a fool of myself and realise how much of a lie it is. However, I will agree with you about being purely worthless. I suppose it technically correct to say 'almost entirely but not completely worthless' but that does tend to be a bit of a long-winded way of saying it!

[neufena]

I totally get the fear of 'being mundane or of little consequence'. You've hit the nail right on the head right there. Letting go of the emotions when I fuck up or fail is what I really want to learn and I hope my new therapy will help me get there. I've recently come out of a difficult marriage and am in a very different place than when I originally started this thread. I'm in no way 'better' but I am different. It feels now like I'm ready to trey and let go, if I can. I know it won't be easy to not care about standards and allow myself to be shit at things. But I have to try.

I've heard of The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck. If I'm honest the title puts me off cos that immediately makes me think of not caring and deliberately doing a bad job. I *know* that's not the point but it's where my stupid broken brain goes. I'll give it a try, see if I can work past that initial reaction.

[Ihavetinnitus_mawp]

The 'subtlety'of it is that it is actually about curating what you care about and letting go of what sucks your energy and well-being that really isn't important or of value to you. I think of it as 'minimalism for your mental health' and it had a couple 'aha!' moments for me. I'm glad you're in a place where you feel ready to work on your well-being again and I have to commend you for hearing my thoughs and suggestions and not being offended by them! I have also experienced the frustration of being told that I am better than I am by a therapist and just kind of thinking she was full of shit so I felt a connection to your original post. I just wanted to share that just because one or two counsellors don't connect with you doesn't mean you are beyond help. There's an episode on this podcast series about a woman who was abused by her therapist in the UK and it sounded like it is not always easy to find a well-qualified, experienced individual and that people seeking therapy in the UK really need to do some homework on the person they choose to be their therapist. Kind of like interviewing a person for a job. Sometimes you have to go through quite a few candidates before you find the right fit and sometimes after you work with the person for a bit you realise you need to find someone else after all. It is exhausting but worthwhile and I hope you find a good one very soon!

[neufena]

Thanks, it does sound interesting and maybe something I could consider soon.

Therapy in the UK is quite different unless you are rich and go private. I'm not sure I'd ever trust a private therapist, if you're paying them directly they'll just say whatever will keep you going to therapy, it's not in their interests to get you to a point n where you no longer need it. As for our free (at the point of care) healthcare. It's criminally underfunded so the waiting lists are huge and you have to jump through a lot of hoops to get care. But once you do almost all people I've seen have been fantastic. It's usually only at most 15 sessions tho, which is a shame if you need long-term care. I'm starting my new run of session tomorrow. I'm really nervous as we're going to work only on emotional things, no more cognitive work as I've done that to death and "know it all now". She warned it will be really hard as I've kept my emotions in a locked box for so long.

[Ihavetinnitus_mawp]

That's awesome to hear that you're giving it another shot! Sometimes the fit of the modality of therapy is just as important as the fit of the therapist. If CBT was not for you, another modality may be the key. Best of luck with the new therapy journey!

[neufena]

I've had my first session (last week) and will be leaving for my next session in about an hour. I was terrified last time and have mixed feelings about how it went. I cried (subtly) and had my eyes closed a lot. I'm sure the therapist thought I was a real wuss and lame but I guess anyone would seeing a grown man cry over nothing of note. After the session, I got in my van and cried really had for a while before I sorted myself and out went to collect my daughter. I hope she can't tell (she's nearly 2) as I never want her to see me cry, it'll be scary and she won't feel comforted by me being strong for her if she sees me so weak.

I've been trying to push aside the fear of going back this week, especially today in work. It's getting too much now and is all I can think about. I just know I'm going to make another fool of myself . I can also tell what subjects will come up because she'll ask about my week. I already feel like I have a hair trigger at the moment, people say or do the slightest thing and I get an emotional reaction. I KNOW that's what I supposed to be cultivated but it's terrifying when I can't control it or keep it hidden enough. Once people around me see my weakness they'll use it against me.

[Ihavetinnitus_mawp]

I hope your session was productive and you are doing well today! I just want to say that any therapist that would judge a person for expressing themselves purely, in whatever form that takes, including tears, would not be a good therapist. What you take for judgement is likely them trying to understand you so they can help. There is nothing wrong with expressing your emotions and when you can do so with less/no shame about it you will likely experience a sense of freedom (which comes from not giving a fuck about what other people think if you lol).

I so totally feel you about being afraid to show emotion or 'weakness' in front of others. Again, being vulnerable can give a sense of freedom. When you bare your soul to others you may sometimes find members of your tribe (people who feel as you do and relate to you) and you may also find assholes (people who judge you for being vulnerable and try to use it against you). Dealing with the latter is difficult, but the silver lining of being exposed to assholes is that they expose their assholeness to you and then you know who you can and cannot trust. I've gone so far as to feed little bits of info or shown at little bit of vulnerability to people that I suspect are assholes just to test the waters. Then afterwards I deal with them accordingly.
All the best with your therapy, hope it went well today.