Should I, shouldn't I? My dad and porn

[shivermetimbers]

Hello,

I'm just going to get right to it, because honestly, I know no other way. Let me set the scene. I am a 37 year old female. I moved back home with my older parents (71) a few years ago, they both have health issues (my mom more severe- paralyzed on right side of her body and confined to a wheel chair from a stroke many years ago). Anyhow, I deal with my own issues which I have mentioned in the 'introduce yourself' section of the forum (mainly anxiety and depression with a touch of OCD). I am on medication and attend therapy regularly. Ok, so there is the back story. My dad has a tablet that he barely knows how to use and since we switched internet carriers he didn't know the password and just gave up on it entirely. Mind you he doesn't know how to email, text, or basically surf the internet at all. About a month ago he saw me using mine and asked if I could 'fix' his for him. I finally got it set up for him and handed it to him. That night in the early evening, he was in his room sitting in the recliner, watching TV with the lights on and the door wide open. My mom and I were just outside his room in the living room watching the main tv...his room opens up right to the living room, the house is TINY. Anyway, all of the sudden i can hear what sounds like porn coming from my dad's room. It was NOT coming from his TV (that was baseball) it was coming from his tablet... At 730PM with the door wide open, his daughter and wife (asleep in her lift chair) less than 10ft away and we would have to pass his room to use the bathroom. He knew we/I were there. I muted the TV and could hear it plain as day.I even walked by his room to try to passively make him aware that I was hearing it, and he just shoved a towel over him ( he was fully clothed but what was he doing?????? he pretended not to notice that I walked bu and acted like nothing). I was just stunned, he is emotionally messed up, but this was totally new territory! I don't know how to feel or how to proceed. I mean he is an adult and entitled to his own choices but this just 100% creeped me out. I know men (people) use/watch porn (personally not my thing) but...there was just something so incredibly off here. After listening to this show, I just keep thinking of boundaries and emotional incest. I sat up later that night in my bed, unable to sleep. I crafted a letter to him, asking him why I should have to be exposed to my father doing this? I said that I thougt he could have chosen a better time to engage in these things if that is what he chooses to do with his time...and that I need boundaries. I help take care of bills etc., this is home to all of us (although I do not feel that way now). I am looking to this forum to help me decide whether I should give it to him or what I should do at all. I just feel small, scared, sad and confused. I want to talk to my brother (lives out of state) but I don't want to taint their relationship. Any and all help is greatly appreciated. I wont see my therapist for another two weeks due to the holidays. Thanks so much everyone. Take care and be well...

[oak]

Hey! Thanks for sharing. I am glad you are using your words.

This should have never happened. It could have been prevented, easily, and should have been. This is surprising, upsetting, and not what you need.

I'm of two minds:

1. The first time I read it, I recognized how horrifying living under someone else's roof/rules can suck, if the "landlord" isn't playing nice.

1a. Ergo: I would encourage you to get out of there, post haste.

2. Then, when I re-read it I totally got the emotional-incest angle.

It is as if, gulp, he wanted you to see it. Which is not good. Not at all.

I still don't think 1a is wrong, but oh goodness is this a tough situation.

If I were you, I wouldn't send the letter now. Ask around for more people's advice. If two, three, or more start to tell you the same thing, I'd take that advice seriously.

Good luck! A very creepy situation indeed!

[Beany Boo]

Close his door.

But choose your moment so you set a clear boundary by doing so; so it's not just his room or his private habits you're setting outside yourself.

You're not invisible.