Blocked Memories

[kcg95]

Hello, I am 19 and I have always had fuzzy memories of my childhood and have had trouble remembering a lot of it. Around a year ago I was watching a tv show and saw an actor i started feeling really drawn to him for no discernible reason. The thought "maybe he looks like someone who molested me" popped in, somewhat as a joke i think, and then I couldn't get it out of m head, had trouble breathing, and had a nervous breakdown. Since then the thought hasn't left my head. I had another breakdown at a hockey game when the crowd began chanting "it's all you fault" at a player and i triggered thoughts of abuse. I ended up having to cry in the public bathroom for half an hour. Since then I've also had multiple nightmares about losing teeth, bleeding out my mouth, and other forms of oral violence, and then waking up with scratches. I'm also a longtime sufferer of body issues and bulimia(which i'm dealing with and have not done in over a year) and have read online of their being a connection between that and childhood abuse. I would like to know if these point to a possibility of some repressed memories, maybe of sexual abuse, and how then to deal with it.

[Brooke]

Hi, I'm sorry you are going through such confusion. I'm not a therapist, but I would suggest that you go see one to try and figure out what is causing all of these troubling thoughts and symptoms that you are having. It sounds awful and is affecting your life. Maybe you have some repressed memories or something of that sort, but going to a specialist who can help you work though that so you don't have to suffer with nervous breakdowns would be a good step. It doesn't seem like a run of the mill depression where an average person like me can chime in or give you advice. But I do support you and wish you the best. Please seek out professional help if you can. Keep writing here if that helps too

[AndyLand]

First of all big hugs for what you are going through. No matter what the truth is the confusion and not trusting your memories and dreams is a lousy feeling! In addition to seconding the idea of therapy if that isn't an option you might try a support group. There are online supper groups too if in person is not right. But you can just listen, they don't make you share your life story on day 1!

I went through a similar beginning phase of flashbacks and dreams prompted by something I saw on TV. It was verified later that in my case it did mean something but I had to go to individual counseling to get there. It was about 6 months between the time when the thoughts/memories/dreams started and I called a counselor. By that point my PTSD which I never really had before was so bad I was terrified waiting in a locked car outside 7-11. Every stranger was scary to me.

None of us can say for sure what you have going on any more than you can. But I can tell you getting counseling sooner rather than later was the best thing I ever did. It took a long time even with counseling to figure out what was real and true for me. My heart goes out to you and I remember so clearly how much anxiety and confusion I felt back then.

Keep reaching out. Like It says up top You Are Not Alone!

[LimitedAdventure]

My goodness, kcg, the crowd chants "It's all your fault" at hockey games?

That is so cruel! I'm not really into sports, I had no idea they did that. I would cry in the public bathroom too!!

So, I just had to jump in and say that. Other than that, I'm just going to second what AndyLand said.

I'm so sorry you're suffering with these memories, kcg. But you've taken the first step and you'll find the show and the forums to be a safe, warm, helpful, healthful place.

[AndyLand]

Haha, thumb typing, always a source of humor. That should be online support groups not supper groups.