Repressed Memories- episode 442

[randomletter_uckface]

Does anyone else have experience with repressed memories?
I am curious about this since I kinda wonder if I have some too, but most stories I've heard about this controversial subject always suggest that one always knew but didn't really want to think about it.

I remember most of my physical abuse very clearly and I'd like to know if something else happened.

[Heatherwantspeace]

Hi randomletter,
I'm excited to listen to that episode but haven't yet (I have to make sure I have recovery time in case I'm triggered). I found this page super helpful when things started coming back:
https://healinghonestly.com/memory/what ... t-remember

You can ask me questions if you like. I'm still in the midst of my journey.
Heather

[randomletter_uckface]

Thank you so much, Heatherwantspeace!

I thought the episode was kinda triggering, there was no explicit details mentioned of S.A though, he mostly talked about his feelings around the aftermath of everything and wether or not people believe you. (which can feel worse sometimes I guess).

I'll definitely check out the link, thanks again!

[brownblob]

I found this episode very interesting. It made me feel good when he said it was okay not to try to find out all the details and just try to heal and deal with things now. I think I do have some repressed memories of sexual abuse. I never thought so until I started listening to the podcast a few years back, and I started thinking about my own behavior and the ways I'm messed up and it just seems like there is something there. I am too scared to try and figure it out. I have enough bad memories of childhood I try to block out without digging deeper. I don't believe I am strong enough to deal with it. I will check out the website that Heather suggested. It is a subject that both interests and scares me.

[Heatherwantspeace]

Just listened to the episode and wow did it feel similar to my own journey feelings-wise! So many doubts the first year of therapy and wanting a clear cut memory I could point to and say it really happened. The "little" me that had the strength to hold the memories and hide the parts of me that I didn't want damaged.
I'm doing some therapy to access (what I think of as) my subconscious and the message I'm getting is the same as the guest's--you have all the info you need to heal, keep on doing that. I got the added message that when I'm feeling good, the memories will come and it will be okay.

A great episode and so validating! I hope it encourages anyone who needs it to trust that where you are is the right place for you.
Heather

[randomletter_uckface]

Heatherwantspeace:

I was reading through the link you posted and it says there that there is no need to remember the abuse in order to heal, I have concluded this to be true for me as well.
Back in the day I had a therapist that didn't understand trauma and she managed to ruin our two year long client/therapist relationship by trying to force me to remember the way I felt during a traumatic event.
It didn't help as I was re-traumatized and thrown into a state of shock even though I tried to explain to her how I was feeling. She was dead set on the idea of remembering and then releasing it somehow.
I hope you don't have to experience this and that you have a trauma informed therapist.

The more I read about it the more it seems like 1) the brain will often actively shut down during traumatic events which may keep memories from ever being formed, which means that there is often little to no memory to repress. (sometimes fragments like smells or still shots of an event may be what's left)
2) The most recognized trauma therapies seem to focus more on regulating what is instead of trying to uncover what isn't there.
3) trying to uncover things but not succeeding can make one feel guilty and doubt that anything ever happened.

I've talked to a lot of people going through their own personal stuff through the years and there often seem to be this notion that there are things buried within that needs releasing, as if it were a bird in a cage.
But what if the old feelings have already passed and the bad feelings mostly stem from neurological responses that repeats itself on a loop?

I'd like for everything within me to make sense and for there to be a cohesive storyline that will explain my life in a simple way but what if humans don't work that way?
I am starting to think it only works that way in the movies but not in real life.

[Heatherwantspeace]

Hi randomletter,
I'm so sorry you went through that with your past therapist. How awful for you! I hope you've found some healing from that re-traumatization.
My therapist specializes in trauma therapy, heavy on the IFS and Peter Levine so I'm in good hands.
A big yes on all three of your points. Also for me, any memory I recovered through "trying" would make me wonder if I was making it up and who needs that doubt!

I love love your bird in a cage analogy and your thoughts on that. And yes, I think healing can come in the form of neurological release without memory attached. I've read this a few places.
I've given up on a narrative. The scraps of sensation and connected emotions are telling me what I need to know. You know what really helped? Something not connected to the abuse, a family secret that I found out, was corroborated by a sibling. It was one little event, but it made a world of difference for me. Like, things that are not out in the open are still true. Or something. It just made me feel really good.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. It's fantastic to have a space to talk about this.
Heather

[randomletter_uckface]

I'm glad to hear that you are moving forward, Heather!

Peter Levine is one of those people that I feel seem the most legit when it comes to trauma (together with Bessel van der Kolk).
I'm also going into therapy this fall, currently on the waiting list. And this time it's going to be with people who specialise in PTSD (at least the website says so).

Hope we all get better and live happy and never have problems again (kidding, but still kinda not kidding)