Mindfulness

[Beany Boo]

Today went well.

There’s a pattern lately of greater-than-usual uncertainty going into the day and then, unexpected satisfaction with the day’s outcome.

I’d like to think it was a result of the practice I’ve been putting in, these last few months. Truly though, I don’t know if it is. Maybe the momentum of the practice is dissembling the perfectionist tendencies just enough to yield this unexpected satisfaction.

I’ll take it, for as long as it lasts, even if I don’t really understand how it’s happening.

[Beany Boo]

Woke up in pain from sleeping twisted.

I feel confident in the pattern that’s been playing out; exaggerated uncertainty in the morning turning into unexpected satisfaction in the afternoon.

I will risk acting a bit naughty today (whatever that means relative to my upbringing) and try and show myself having fun (whatever that means at my age!).

I feel perched in the cosmos.

Main objective today: always be breathing (ABB)

[Beany Boo]

Today went well.

Somewhat as expected. It was a satisfying end of the day after an uncertain start.

I noticed I was a lot more chill around people today. They continue to exhibit behaviors that, on paper, set me off. I was just less inclined to be reactive. I was reading much less into their words.

I think maybe it had something to do with my level of focus. It was less diffuse today. I was able to shrug off distractions more easily.

It was a relief to not secretly be taking offense at every next thing people said.

I don’t understand what is happening but I like it!

[Beany Boo]

Woke up well with enough sleep.

I feel psychically exposed today. Sadly, that’s normal. I also feel like I have a fraction of an advantage. That’s new; for this early in the morning.

The experience of satisfaction in the afternoon seems to have carried over to be an expectation the next day.

I might punctuate the event with a little hope. I don’t think anyone will catch me in the act.

[Beany Boo]

Today was a bit overwhelming.

Work was very unsafe, though I couldn’t put it down to one thing.

I kept trying to gaslight people into feeling like everything was alright. Then I stopped instinctively. I would probably end up burning out very shortly if I’d kept going. My neediness flared for a few hours after that.

On the plus side, my emotions seem more legible these days. When events get overwhelming I can read my feelings just that little bit more readily.

I happily accept that I’m not special, in not being able to shine under pressure or relate to people in difficult situations. A lot of people struggle with that and work much harder than me to hide it.

I have to make a special effort to remind myself:

I don’t have to be special

[manuel_moe_g]

“””
my emotions seem more legible these days. When events get overwhelming I can read my feelings just that little bit more readily.
“””

Fantastic, Beany

“””
I don’t have to be special
“””

I’m struggling with this exact one. Affirmation of my basic worth was very very conditional in my house growing up. Had to be exceptional or nothing

[Beany Boo]

Thanks MM

My new affirmation will be something like:

I can’t pretend to be special or nothing (to you) anymore

[Beany Boo]

Today went well.

Yesterday’s overwhelm was resolved.

It took a level of communication and some timing that was new to me. But I got it done.

It was the most unpleasant morning for quite a while, in terms of having to reluctantly trust others. But I seemed to be giving out cues that people could respond to. I’m not sure how that suddenly started happening. They were openly helping me!

It’s midafternoon. I made it through a difficult patch. But I’m aware that it was more than that.

[Beany Boo]

Woke up having left everything on.

I feel rested.

I don’t have to be special today, or pretend to be nothing.

I guess that means focusing less on what shows, on what ‘counts’. That feels kind of daunting.

It might shift the focus though and allow me to see more clearly what I want today.

Breathing will help.

[Beany Boo]

Good sleep.

I spent the morning focusing on positive self affirmations. I figure it was important to feel good in the moment rather than worry unnecessarily about the past and future. Sort of blessing the space and task I was in, rather than surrender to distraction.

Not all of it was particularly rational or true. It seemed more important to sustain a register of good will that my brain could engage, instead of on worry.

I managed to sustain it the whole time. It took some creativity. It’s an experiment. We’ll see how it affects the day.