Mindfulness

[Beany Boo]

Thanks MM

[Beany Boo]

Today went well.

I was fixing mistakes or facing errors and malfunctions for most of the day.

There was a prevalence of error-prone processes. But, what if it’s in their nature; it’s not something I can preempt. They were auto-creating errors long before I arrived!

With childhood neglect and codependency there’s the assumption of inevitably chaotic circumstances.

I feel like maybe it’s not my job to fix the errors anymore. I just have to connect them all together

It’s midafternoon. I feel perched, cosmically. Perched is the only word I can think of. As my perfectionism crumbles.

[Beany Boo]

Woke up with the alarm.

I had a moment where I felt like I understood everything. Then it evaporated and confusion set in.

I’m seething for some reason I can’t place. I’m pretty confident I can mask it though there’s probably no need.

I think I might feel angry because I noticed yesterday that things don’t have to be chaotic. Once I noticed it I couldn’t ignore it. Now I want the chaos to stop again but I don’t know what I did the first time.

Maybe my feelings are coming in and it’s too much not having someone there to recognize it. That said, I seem to be getting better at recognizing .

[manuel_moe_g]

I had a moment where I felt like I understood everything. Then it evaporated and confusion set in.

I’m seething for some reason I can’t place. I’m pretty confident I can mask it though there’s probably no need.

I think I might feel angry because I noticed yesterday that things don’t have to be chaotic. Once I noticed it I couldn’t ignore it. Now I want the chaos to stop again but I don’t know what I did the first time.

Maybe my feelings are coming in and it’s too much not having someone there to recognize it. That said, I seem to be getting better at recognizing .

Very interesting. Wishing you the very best of luck, Beany

I am working hard to have a less high of a standard for myself and have a less severe standard for myself.

I wrote this:

"everyday, some things will get done, some things will be left undone, this will be the pattern for the rest of my life, i can make priorities and use my best judgement to move forward in a sustainable way"

"not about absolute efficiency, not about sustaining a very high rate of work, but mainly about avoiding breakdown and resisting the urge to avoid certain work"

[Beany Boo]

Thanks MM

[Beany Boo]

Today went well.

I feel a bit bleary with the sheer volume of my output. But I don’t feel the usual indignity.

My locus of control was good. I’m wise to the chaos now; that it’s not something I’m generating. It’s also not following me around. I seem to have finally got it, on a pre-lingual level. In other words, I know instinctively I don’t have to play along.

I learnt three question types today:

What is happening?

Is it what I want?

If yes how do I keep it going?
If no how do I change direction?

I need to switch off now though. It’s past midafternoon.

[Beany Boo]

Woke up well with the alarm.

I wasn’t seething, like yesterday. There was a hint of calm, enthusiasm but also a rigid determination that I wasn’t entirely comfortable with.

I realize that often when people are talking to me I’m processing what they’re saying like it’s life and death. In fact what they’re more likely doing is just giving me information. Information that I can take or leave.

My thought getting ready was, ‘I’m going to do good work today but, so what’. It’s hopefully a challenge to cynicism though it doesn’t quite get there in the wording. My cynicism and others’; the multitude.

I sense something about to shift in my favor, ever so slightly. Or it already is. Or it already has. I’m awake to something.

[Beany Boo]

Didn’t sleep well, though my mood stayed pretty stable.

Something threw me at midafternoon yesterday.

I’m not sure how today will be affected. Despite feeling weary, I’m optimistic. I think I can be specific enough in my intentions that I don’t self sabotage.

I think I might need to ask less of myself. And expect less of others. I’m feeling like that’s possible today.

If I just do that it will probably satisfy me. It is slightly awful not relying on perfectionism.

[Beany Boo]

Today went well. I’m slightly humbled by how well it went considering how it started out.

I’m starting to understand that resilience is a matter of momentum; it builds over months. It’s affect grows slowly.

I felt like I was going to drown just standing still this morning. I somehow manage to stay still, inside, but move forward. It worked out and I could proceed confidently, within limits.

It’s definitely the best one of those days I’ve ever had maybe.

It’s midafternoon and I just want to sit.

[Beany Boo]

Woke up exhausted and slightly overwhelmed after a long sleep.

Struggling to articulate anything.

My instinct is to do less and go slow. It feels difficult to do though, through the overwhelm.

I want to keep making decisions but not conclude prematurely on what is happening at the moment. Not while my brain is struggling with ambiguity.

I’m continuing whatever it was I was doing, with ‘beginner’s mind’. If I can sit content with that prospect then the struggle to remember might eventually settle.