Body Issues

[awfullottafalafel]

How do I tell someone that I used to be 150 pounds smaller? How do I tell someone that I used to have a six pack when my gut now hangs out so far people assume I'm pregnant. How do I let people know that I'm still that thin little girl trapped, quite literally, with a heavy load, that keeps getting heavier? Who will want me when they find out that I still can't shake this eating disorder after 20 years later, through treatment and "recovery."

When I was in eating disorder treatment I learned the acronym F.A.T. = Find Another Thought. The above is what I deal with on a daily basis but its really a way to avoid root issues. I turn to, "I feel fat" when I really feel unworthy, unacceptable and damaged. In this life, I have been dealt a shitty hand, but I've played it with all of my strength. Sometimes I feel I cannot do it, other times I realize that when I feel depressed "everything" is warped into "always" and "never." I get tunnel vision and the only things I look forward to are my bedroom, food, alcohol and drugs (and periodically, sex).

But you know what? My life motto- as cheesy and cliche as it is- is fall down 7 times, get up 8 and I've lived it. I reached a point in my life where I couldn't do anything but surrender and ask for help, so I did. Its comforting to know I can never go back to square one. My secrets came out and I vowed to be an open, honest person. (We are only as sick as our secrets, right?) I've struggled and I'm currently struggling. And I feel as though I will "never" find a partner that can handle what I do. I'm sad and jaded about it, and that makes me feel like shit.

But I'm beautiful. I'm so talented. I'm a musician and I'm putting myself through grad school for counseling. I've been told I'm wise beyond my years and others refer to me as a strong, passionate and kind person. The mean DJ voice in my head says otherwise, and right now his volume is much higher than the affirmative voice.

I'm tired. I'm lonely but I'm lovely and a great listener and jokester.

Seeking a friend, above all else.

(PS- could you imagine reading this on a dating website? Ha!)

[Imissmysun]

Hi lady!

Umm yeah life sucks a ton - I have gained about 80 more pounds than I was pre-children - I have struggled with depression pretty much my entire life - it just wasn't diagnosed as such until recently - I just started going to the gym every morning - I set my alarm and make myself go - even when I don't want to - even when I am tired - I want this to be a new habit - my old habits aren't working - I totally get the thin girl in a fat body - I went through highschool not weighing enough to give blood - (you had to weigh at least 110 lbs - I wasn't there) - now I have to look at this really huge belly - (I have had three babies and I currently weigh more now than I did 9 months pregnant with any of my babies) - however - I did find a person who really loves my body - all the flaws and all the bumps - he also knows that I am a mental mess - and while I have struggled and he is still waiting for (the girl he first met) to come back - he realizes that I am a work in progress that I am not perfect - but that I am willing to try - that I am finally in a place where I can begin dealing with more of my issues -

I got myself a gum membership and I had it for a good month or two going sporadically - in the last week I have started going daily - making it part of my routine - otherwise I know I will not be consistent - I need to do something every day or I lose focus and interest -

I have started telling myself - Hey! you are not as fat today as you were yesterday - maybe not the most positive thing - but its more positive than saying - God, all that work and you are still fat -

I am also into music - I have a degree in music performance - (that I do not use because I am raising children and have no evening time for rehearsals) - I sing - and I miss it - but I guess thats what the shower and car are for - right?

I see your signature - thats my name too - spelled the same way

You have done a lot of hard work - you are doing really good and I wish - I really wish that I was to the point that I could call myself pretty - but I am not - I can say hey you don't completely look homeless today - good job... (I think I often look tired dissheveled and my clothes don't fit right (bulgey belly syndrome) )

So when my hair is brushed and my outfit is kind of camelflougey I say oh good you won't be handed random money on your way to work today -

Hope your day goes well...

Thank you for sharing

[awfullottafalafel]

Hi Imissmysun,
Thanks for your reply. I also went to school for performance. Trying to get out of it because I realized all of my performing is such a trigger. It should be happy and expressive and rewarding but its just another area for the mean voice to intrude upon. To unpack my issues around my voice and performance is just too much- so I shifted gears to counseling in order to keep music for myself- all locked away in my heart and my little piano studio.

I'm jealous of you in some ways. First off, I wish I had a reason (like a giant baby in my womb) that could make sense of all this weight I've gained. Secondly, I feel if I had children I would have something to live for and something to keep me busy instead of holing myself up in my room 70% of the time.

Next week I'll be 31 years old. Im losing hope for having children.

I'm proud of you for getting to the gym everyday. Keep it up and keep your encouraging self-talk volume up. You can do this!

Personally, I recoil when I hear about the gym (I am an exercise addict). Its the same feeling as when I hear, "well, you should just eat healthier...leafy greens and vegetables and fruits." As if it was that simple. My mind takes what can and would be healthy and turns them into obsessions and they soon become drugs (which, essentially, numb the negative voice). Nothing is ever enough, no matter what stage of the game I'm in... If I'm on a health streak I keep ramping up the exercise time little by little (until it turns into 4 hours at the gym, but if I spend 3.5 it means I'm digressing...) or I ramp down my caloric intake and soon I'm spending hours in the grocery store reading labels and feeling trapped in what must feel like a rave to a newly clean and sober person. This all happens rather insidiously and so I just say FUCK IT ILL BE FAT or hopefully this life will just end soon for me. Giant meteor for office, 2016!!

I'm so tired of this battle in my head. I find something that works and I latch onto it until something happens and throws me off again. Then I get the feeling of being defeated even before I begin.

Oy.

I have to fight this everyday. And most people won't even know I'm fighting it because I wear such a good mask. And many a lover have left me because they cannot deal with what I deal with constantly.

And this is just me. Let alone the world crumbling before my eyes...

It should be noted that I can also be the complete opposite of everything above- the Polly-anna that cheers everyone on and sees the miraculous aspects of life in the smallest flower in the grass. I can be so easy-going and full of gratitude and affectionate and make you feel like the only one in the room. I wish I could access this side of myself more these days, but I can't force it.

Oy.
Cheers to staying on the ride...
Sarah

[Imissmysun]

The gym is not the gym - it is my safe space to listen to podcasts and geek out -

And it is where the yoga happens - which I need because I kind of like this breathing thing - I spent a large part of my life holding a breathe that I didn't realize I couldn't release -

So I hate gyms too - the idea of pretty people being all fit and pretty around - so having a focus to bury my head into and just listen and think and empathize with the stories - then I just biked for an hour and I can go to work - its also me time - because little beings they are needy and like hugs and talks and smiles and sometimes head scritches - I have 3 dogs too and they aren't really that different -

My 2 year old is a trip - however there comes a time where people keep talking about "baby weight" and you think my "baby" is big enough to pick me up (that would be my 18 year old) - that cannot be an excuse anymore -

I wish I could help the cycle brain talk that keeps you locked - that is poisonous vile stuff - Oh! and I most certainly have made men crazy with my own crazy - I have this deeply rooted coping mechanism to just check out if I am uncomfortable - or bored - or depressed- or not having my needs met - (which is often) - so I am constantly fighting that battle - yay trauma!

I'm 38 and I had my last one when I was 36 - you are not too old and there are so many other ways to have a family - counseling will give you a whole host of kids to help and trust they will be "your kids" in very real ways -

But I get trying to find a guy that speaks broken emotional girl well - I haven't yet - also I am super codependent - which is really hard to break - I fear rejection and losing whatever it is I think I have to such an extreme I except really poor treatment as normal in order not to loose the precious relationship -

just read my diary entry - the last entry describes my worst dating mistake ever...

Kids are a drain and they are awesome and they make you cry and laugh and feel exasperated - and then add a few that are not actually biologically yours but that you are responsible for raising because they belong to someone you care deeply about - complicated stressful - Oh! and then throw my crazy brain into it - CHAOS!


Thanks for your reply - it feels good to know that I am not the only one with performance anxiety when I know that I am pretty darn good at what I do - but I can't risk getting an ego and feeling like I might be arrogant -

I wish I knew how to play piano ) just sing no real intruments - I can read music - I miss it - I miss duets with other quirky music people - I miss musicals where you are just part of the group - but I also understand keeping it special and secret and kind of sacred