Food & Alcohol and battles with "kind of addicted"...

[flyinginside]

I realize I am "kind of addicted" to things, which has always been apart of me and I ignored, but also wish I had a better name for whatever's up with me. I recently decided that I was an alcoholic, and was almost rejected by a clinic when I tried to reach out about it. They're going to call me for an assessment on Thursday, but I have to agree with the hesitant person I spoke with in regards to this probably not being what I need.

I've always been "a little" overweight, "a little" isolated and now "a little" bit of an alcoholic. I also realize I need to be in control of everything social wise, and I ignored the fact that I gained 50lbs while it was happening, when my ex and I would sit on the couch and eat & drink.

I am now 190lbs at 5'4", with a swimmer's build (not any shape where the weight would look appealing) and I'm admitting that I am just not healthy. I am not going back on OKcupid with 40lbs ago photos and ultra close up face shots. I looked at myself today and realized, I look bad. Not only that, but I pretended I didn't.

The "good" part of this, is I'm slowly letting go of blaming my ex for my weight gain and just flipping owning the fact that I hid behind my ego as well as got wrapped up in addictive and/or neglecting behaviors for my first 32 years. I learned how to cloud and distract myself. I made things up. I acted like I was more the center of the universe versus admitting where I was.

I'm not going to make big promises to myself, but I will start working towards building a healthier person and *stop judging*. I'll also admit that I do care how I look and I don't need to always be looking for a man *and* that my desire to be in charge in relationships isn't cool. I can't block out reality.

[manuel_moe_g]

Please take care. I have noticed that my "kind of addicted" actions have to do with trying to manage my mood, instead of being present, mindful, and accepting. Have you noticed the same about you? All the best to you, keep the lines of communication open, we here are cheering for you and for your greatest today and tomorrow.

[flyinginside]

Thanks, Manuel. Mine is not so much my mood, as much as wanting to experience a mood, ha. In other words - I tend to just feel disconnected and I find myself wanting to use alcohol as a way to reach my emotions. As for food, that is more out of habit and self-destruction. It started at a young age for emotional comfort and I find that when I drink, my will to not eat out of comfort goes away. A lot just stems from a lack of affection & attention. I'm glad in a way that it never got too out of control, but I'm learning to acknowledge & work with it more.