Seeing a therapist for binge drinking and procrastination

[brines]

Hi Oak, thanks for the response, it was really thoughtful.

I’m finding it really useful to write what’s going on in my head here. I find when I journal I’m all over the place, but when I’m writing this with the intention of someone reading it, I have to clarify things and try to make it make sense.

Just so you know, the game is football manager. It’s known for being really addictive, I just watched a video where a guy figured out he’d played the game for the equivalent of 2.5 years straight (by the age of 33.5). Like once you’re in you just don’t want to get out. In the last week I’ve downloaded it, played it for about 5 hours, then deleted it twice. But I’m seeing it more and more clearly for what it actually is.

Your post made me think about the game and I started going through my thought process and the feelings I have while I’m playing. The way I was thinking about it was influenced by this audiobook I’ve been listening to, The Willpower Instinct by Kelly McGonigal. For different evolutionary reasons we have kind of developed two minds around impulsive behaviour vs achieving longer term goals. Anyway I was thinking about how when I’m playing the game there’s part of me that’s acting like my own parent, I’m thinking like “Go to bed, the game will be there in the morning, besides you have stuff you need to do”. Then the impulsive part of me is just like a crying toddler, saying “LET ME PLAY THE GAME!!!” Having this thought made me kind of feel like I am just acting like a child when I throw myself into the game like that.

Now I feel a little awkward and embarrassed to be writing this, like worried that I might be minimalizing my problems or just talking out my arse in general. But I don’t think that’s the case (time will tell). I turned 30 a couple of months ago and I think this could be having more of an effect on me than I first realised. I think it’s just time for me to grow up. I think I’m immature and it’s a fundamental part of who I am at the moment, but I'm ready to move past this. Although until today I just saw it as more, I’m just a guy who is free from normal responsibilities. Like part of being an adult is getting to do what I want, when I want (within reason). This feels weird to write because if someone gave me this as advice (Just grow up), it’d offend me and piss me off. Although maybe it’s just the wording? Like if I said, I’m transitioning into adulthood (little delayed maybe, but I won't judge myself), which is making me really want to get on top of certain behaviours, it sounds kind of better. But I do like how to the point saying "grow up" is.

My point of getting help and trying to make changes now was to stop this escalating into a bigger problem. At the moment I’m experiencing mild depression and moderate anxiety. However I feel like I could easily let this develop into major depression and anxiety if I don’t start making changes. I think my depression and anxiety are mainly situational and exacerbated through faulty thinking.

At the moment I’m living in a share house with some people who have habits that I find really annoying. This might be influencing my thinking. I keep having this same thought of these people are adults, why can't they just act like one? Like if you're not in a room, turn the light off. Or if you make a mess, clean it up. If you open a door, close it again once you’re through. There’s a lot more of these little things my housemates do but I’ll leave it at that. In the last couple of weeks I’ve been thinking more and more about it, and I keep coming back to that thought of “Why can’t they just grow up? I’m not their mother”. Then I have this other thought of I should just stoop to their level, but immediately after I tell myself, no… that’s childish. Basically I need to get out of here, which I need a job to do. I could try and make them better housemates, but they're not asking me to do that and it's not my responsibility anddddd I'm sure there are things I'm doing that annoy them. All in all I need a job to have better options over living arrangements. Another way of putting this is, maybe it’s time I take proper responsibility for my life? Like I don’t want to look for work because it’s hard. I do feel anxiety because once I start thinking about it I feel overwhelmed, but really I need to just start working on it. There's no magic bullet.

I’ve never approached my issues though in the way I am now. I’ve always tried to push myself too hard, too fast which has never worked for me. It was reading Willpower by Baumeister that finally made it click that I have to take it easy on myself. I need to prioritise what I want to achieve, then chip away at it. I’m also committed to doing this holistically this time. I used to always put way too much expectation in losing weight as the way to make myself feel fulfilled, but now I see it as just one part of the puzzle.

Sorry for not responding to your suggestions but I’ve worn myself out a bit through writing this. I don’t feel like I’ve expressed myself exactly how I wanted either. I haven’t even written about how my first session with the therapist was. Although, I’m stopping this now to do something productive. I’ve been putting off getting my first aid certificate for a few months, but it’s something that will make me more employable for the jobs I’m going for. So I’m going to do the online component now and will do the rest in person in the city tomorrow.

[oak]

Hang in there.

It is common for people to face crises right around age 30. Not only is it not unusual, it is often the foundation for real spiritual growth.

Good luck out there. Keep us posted.