Re-entering the work world, is it possible for me?

[RightInTwo]

I was in my closet again this morning, making room for cool weather clothes, (we finally had a few cool days!) and storing away some party/summer items, and setting aside things that don’t fit any more.

On one hand, it’s exciting and rewarding to be able to get out my small sized wardrobe, which, due to successful diet & exercise program, I can wear once again. Lots of really nice interview suits and workplace appropriate dresses that I could wear, if only…

Between my pre existing, baseline trauma, and several disappointing and trauma-inducing recent job experiences, I just cannot find it in me to face the idea of trying ~again~, going through the process of reading job requirements, and…. ughhhhhh… re-writing my resume for the 100,000th time. In my most honest assessment, the title would be, “I Thought I Was a Communications/Change Management Professional, but Apparently Not.” Subtitle: “Also Not a Programmer or Cybersecurity Tech.”

It’s a matter of survival, first and foremost. I am (and have been for quite some time) ~completely~ out of money. I have spent all of my retirement savings over the last 4 years or so, just on bare minimum bills and necessities, i.e., car insurance, etc. My total balance in checking + savings is like, less than $400. (My mom sends me a couple hundred each month.)

It seems so hopeless, in so many ways.

I’ve played this game long enough that I know what kinds of questions I’m going to have to be prepared to answer.

I’m going to have to explain why I haven’t worked in over 4 years.

They’re going to want to know what I’ve accomplished…. the truth is, absolutely nothing that would be relevant to a hiring manager.

Even worse, the whole question of, who am I? What do I (or did I) do for a living? What is my experience? This question is agonizing for me to think about. I have absolutely given up on the idea of continuing my previous line of “communication consultant” or whatever they want to call it. I am absolutely convinced that my own survival instinct, fueled by existential panic and delusional ambition, (and better than average interviewing skill) are the only things that got me those jobs before. That’s why none of them became perm and why every one of them ended unexpectedly, smack in the middle of the project. I couldn’t cash the metaphorical check I wrote with my resume and interview charm.

Then, the most recent job - being straight up FIRED, for “performance issues” - has left me bitter and disillusioned about any type of work whatsoever. Even though I know there was something else going on there, and I know my performance was average at minimum. It was a fucked up situation from day 1. The actual work I did there was fine, but I utterly failed to make the first few, vitally important, interpersonal connections with my manager and the senior team members who did my onboarding. I acted very foolish, trying too hard to invent a personality, and saying the most absolutely horrifying, cringe-y things… ughhhhh…
Then, when it became clear that nobody was ever going to talk to me, let alone befriend me, my attitude became absolute shit, sealing my fate. I can’t believe I lasted almost 2 years. And I don’t even want to put that experience on my resume, it was so bad, and if they want more than one reference from there, I’m screwed.

So, how do I even begin to search job sites, what am I even looking for???? With any realistic hope of finding something that I’m qualified for? Can I please just assemble some widgets in a factory or something??? fml.

I’m stuck in this downward spiral of, zero confidence, plus real, actual things that will present significant problems to overcome, as far as my extremely patchy work history, huge gaps between jobs to explain, which keeps me stuck here, as the days, months, and years tick by.

“No one told you when to run
You missed the starting gun.”
-Pink Floyd

[Beany Boo]

Solution unknown.

I do know that if you’re perfectly stuck trying to solve your whole life, being forced to maintain the status quo by fixating on a solution that’s just out of reach, it’s possible that there might be a problem.

There’s a lot of ‘success porn’ and ‘toxic positivity’ out there fueling the avoidance of grieving. The subtext usually seems to be, just strive to be more ‘white’ and more ‘male’ and you’ll be fine *shiver*.

The only thing I find helpful is if I narrow the focus to nurturing only my mental health; in the uncertain belief that changes in that sphere will somehow mean all those other issues become more available to me.

And anyway when did I become a problem that needed solving?

[manuel_moe_g]

There’s a lot of ‘success porn’ and ‘toxic positivity’ out there fueling the avoidance of grieving. The subtext usually seems to be, just strive to be more ‘white’ and more ‘male’ and you’ll be fine *shiver*.

So true. I have been guilty of this

[manuel_moe_g]

So, how do I even begin to search job sites, what am I even looking for???? With any realistic hope of finding something that I’m qualified for? Can I please just assemble some widgets in a factory or something??? fml.

I don't want to be the man-splaining guy, but is six months at a non-profit something that might interest you?

I agree with Beany, as usual. You deserve the time and space to grieve this unfair assault on your human dignity that you have endured for many years.

And definitely put your mental health above everything else. Sustainable and self-compassionate as the template for any change you are contemplating.

[RightInTwo]

Solution unknown.

I do know that if you’re perfectly stuck trying to solve your whole life, being forced to maintain the status quo by fixating on a solution that’s just out of reach, it’s possible that there might be a problem.

There’s a lot of ‘success porn’ and ‘toxic positivity’ out there fueling the avoidance of grieving. The subtext usually seems to be, just strive to be more ‘white’ and more ‘male’ and you’ll be fine *shiver*.

The only thing I find helpful is if I narrow the focus to nurturing only my mental health; in the uncertain belief that changes in that sphere will somehow mean all those other issues become more available to me.

And anyway when did I become a problem that needed solving?

I agree, my mental health is my greatest weakness right now, and worthy of my full attention. However, aside from my participation in this forum, and possibly re-reading some self help books in my collection, I’m out of ideas.

I’ve tried different types of groups (irl) but none of them seem to fit. Therapy is super expensive, I cannot afford it. I’ve tried the state sponsored mental health system, and ran screaming from that nightmare.

My existence ~is~ a problem. For me and anyone who cares about me. I seem to be in a dissonant state of simultaneous apathy and terror.

I agree also about the “success porn” but imo (ironically, being a feminist) I don’t think it has as much to do with being white & male - hear me out - as it does with belonging to the right class of pre existing wealth. You either are born with money, or you grift & scam your way into it. If your conscience doesn’t bother you, it doesn’t matter how you get it, because once you have enough to buy legal protection, you got it made.

Oh, yeah. I ~am~ that cynical.

[RightInTwo]

I don't want to be the man-splaining guy, but is six months at a non-profit something that might interest you?

Lol, I don’t see how that is man-splaining, but actually, I’d be interested in anything at all that would give me a purpose, a goal, something to DO. Salary is optional if the opportunity is something that could help me experience something positive for a change.

[manuel_moe_g]

I seem to be in a dissonant state of simultaneous apathy and terror.

what i personally learned about being in that state was that i had to:

[1] contemplate what i considered to be "failure so bad it would color my whole existence"

[2] contemplate that it was impossible for <ANY> failure to "color my whole existence"

[3] since it is easy to logically believe [2] but not feel it in your bones, use EMDR to believe it with my whole body, or you could also do it through long walks (seriously, the founder of EMDR, Francine Shapiro, made her discovery about eye movements during taking long walks outdoors https://www.emdr.com/history-of-emdr/ )

[4] embrace the failure that i previously feared totally

then you are free, and can act from freedom

[Beany Boo]

It sounds like you might be resistant… well, not resistant; shy perhaps, of help. Which is to say, it might be a symptom, where professionals would mark you as resistant, which is not necessarily helpful. You also seem highly intelligent which also, is not necessarily an advantage. You may have developed your advanced writing ability to effectively evade… stuff.

None of this is bad. You simply might succeed in… outsmarting any attempts at help.

Or you may hit a bottom, as they say in AA.

Or less dramatically, you may find a way, and work it out when you feel ready.

All scary options, sorry…

[RightInTwo]

It sounds like you might be resistant… well, not resistant; shy perhaps, of help. Which is to say, it might be a symptom, where professionals would mark you as resistant, which is not necessarily helpful.

Depends on the individual and type of professional. I’ve seen dozens of therapists, and ~usually~ enjoy some level of benefit from them, but eventually gave up on ever getting any actual applicable, actionable advice. Of course it feels good to talk and be heard and understood, and maybe even some vague ideas about how my traumas are messing up my thinking, but eventually I get tired of just talking.

Psychiatrists, every last one, as I’ve mentioned before, only want to slap the labels “depression and anxiety” and send me off with whatever the currently popular drug is on the market. None of which have worked for me.

The only time I felt resistant towards a doctor was when I was using the state mental health system, and that doctor acted more like what I imagine a parole officer would be like. There was a distinct power dynamic, and she made it clear that if I didn’t provide the exact answers she was looking for, I wouldn’t get my meds. So I stopped going.

I really do want help, but I just don’t see anything available.

You also seem highly intelligent which also, is not necessarily an advantage. You may have developed your advanced writing ability to effectively evade… stuff.

Thanks

I get it. There is definitely some truth to this, evasion, although I don’t do it intentionally, it just sorta happens.

None of this is bad. You simply might succeed in… outsmarting any attempts at help.

Or you may hit a bottom, as they say in AA.

Bottom? I’m nesting here, at the bottom. It’s fine.

lol…

Or less dramatically, you may find a way, and work it out when you feel ready.

All scary options, sorry…

I never give up on working it out, even when I get fed up.

I’m kinda numb to being scared. Life has been a terrifying journey so far. I’m too exhausted to be scared any more.

[RightInTwo]

[2] contemplate that it was impossible for <ANY> failure to "color my whole existence"

I understand this on a purely logical, cognitive level.

I don’t know if I will ever be able to separate myself from my vast collection of failures and bad decisions.

I guess it’s like a photo negative. If only I could see myself in full color.

I know about emdr, and… idk, I’m extremely skeptical about it… I mean, it’s not harmful to try it, of course, but…

[4] embrace the failure that i previously feared totally

The only examples I can think of for “embrace the failure” come from rappers like Eminem (did you happen to see 8 mile?) who use their own humiliating flaws in their lyrics, or comedians who do the same with their comedy material. I deeply admire and respect people who are able to do this, but I have no idea how I could use this to my own advantage.

I keep coming back around to writing my own story. I’ve made attempts to start, but it’s extremely difficult for me to avoid getting emotionally dragged down by my own dark history. If I could find it in me to somehow tell my story with some humor, I think that could maybe work.