Feeling guilty about depression

[Solitude Aeturnus]

All things considered, my life isn't so bad. I have a job, a home to come back to, a loving and supportive family, enough money to pay the bills, etc. I haven't been abused or had other major negative events in my life to cause my depression, which makes me feel guilty when listening to people's stories on MIHH or other podcasts. I just feel like a piece of shit who can't get his life together and that makes me feel even worse. Is there some way to avoid this circular thought pattern?


There are many contributing factors to my depression, each of which seems like something relatively minor compared to Paul's guests. I don't know if this is bad form but I feel the need to get it out somewhere.

My first major depressive episode came a few months after I had graduated from my 2 year program in IT. I had landed a job before graduating (paid internship) but was fired right after Christmas. I spent a couple months looking for jobs and constantly being rejected, and spent the next 5 months on unemployment, doing nothing but playing WoW and avoiding my friends, until my apartment lease was up and I moved back in with the 'rents. I have a low paying zero-skill job at a warehouse now because I feel inadequate in my field of study. I have a couple of student loans which come to a total of about $425 a month, so I can't afford my own place. I have been living with my parents for the last 4.5 years. That in itself is a huge blow to the ego. I recently decided I want a better job but wasn't even able to fill out a resume because I'm so down on myself that trying to spin anything learned at a bottom-level position at a warehouse as a marketable skill seems far too disingenuous. I've forgotten most of what I learned for my degree, and an associate's doesn't get you much further than a GED anyway.

The next thing is similar to another recent post on the board. I am a 25 year old male virgin who has never been in a relationship, dated, or even kissed a girl. Besides the issue that someone my age is expected to have some experience with romance, I also have body issues. I got fat real fast in high school and ended up with lots of ugly stretch marks all over my belly, shoulders, back, and arms, and haven't had my shirt off in front of another person, even family or a doctor, in years. Even though I've lost most of the weight the stretch marks will be with me forever. I also feel like I have nothing to contribute to a relationship. Along with my money troubles, I have no real talents or skills, interesting hobbies, or really anything to attract someone. I feel inferior.

I don't have many friends, and those that I do have are more like drinking buddies I met a work. Our relationships are mostly based on getting shitfaced together. Even if we get together for another purpose, like playing D&D, there is always alcohol involved. Sometimes other drugs as well. It's always fun but it's not the best basis for a friendship. I don't feel close enough to anyone that dumping my problems on them wouldn't feel completely awkward and wrong. Even my parents; I've always had a sort of distant relationship with them emotionally. I recently listened to the Dec. 19 episode of The Nerdist Podcast with Paul Gilmartin, and one point that Chris Hardwick made was that if parents don't know how to express their emotions then it's hard for the child to learn to do so, and I feel like that's the exact situation I'm in. My parents may have been loving towards each other and my brother and me but negative feelings were never expressed, just hidden. I never knew if my mother was sad, or my dad was frustrated with something, and I guess I learned how to hide my emotions as well.

I guess it comes down to self confidence. I've never had much anyway, even as a kid. If I try to learn a new skill (playing guitar for example) I get frustrated too easily and give up because I have neither the confidence nor the patience required to get over whatever problem I encounter. I don't even have the willpower to stick with something that has been made as easy as possible: I signed up for codeacademy.com and got a few pages into the Java lessons before giving up. The page has been open in another browser tab for a couple weeks, and I just look at it and move on to something else. It doesn't help that I'm tired all the time and find it hard to concentrate. I suspect ADD but haven't been diagnosed. For that matter, I haven't been diagnosed with depression either. I haven't seen a doctor in maybe 8 years even though I've had insurance for most of that time. I suppose that comes down to general male stubbornness and the irrational belief that if a doctor doesn't tell me something's wrong then everything's okay, even though I know I need help.

I don't even know where I'm going with this. I just need to get it out. Sorry for rambling.

[MizLzie]

I feel exactly the same way. Certain things are different but a lot of the core is the same. I would like to offer you a *hug*

[meh]

Funny you mention codeacademy.com - I have the PHP window open in my browser. About 10 years ago I convinced myself I could learn to program and went out and bought a stack of books on Perl, PHP, HTML, etc. I went through this awful cycle of opening the book, getting two chapters in and abandoning it as soon as I got overwhelmed. Then a few months later I'd go through the whole cycle again.

Classic goal-oriented manic behavior - I'm bipolar.

Six months or so ago, as part of a larger purge, I packed away all of my programming books and dropped them off at Goodwill.

Don't feel guilty - you should see a doctor or at least a therapist. And we're all here for you.

[Jitters]

I connected with a lot you had to say. Feeling overwhelmed by anything and wanted to retreat to the comfortable. I would try to open up first to a family member or friend. You might be pleasantly surprised by their response. Chances are if they hang around you they care a lot more than you might think and people respond to honesty with kind (usually).

I lived at home until I was 21 because I couldn't afford to move out. I think that's really common this day and age. I would just say that sometimes looking at the whole overwhelms me. I respond better when I make a to do list that has all the little steps needed. Want to fill out the application? Split it into parts and complete them one at a time. Everyone gets stumped or feels stupid filling those things out. I hate answering where I'll be in 5 years.

I too tried to play guitar for years and when I wasn't perfect at it or as good as my brothers I stopped. I thought the problem was that I was awful at it and would never get better. Then I realized that I had to do it for myself and let myself fail. Just try a simple song two chords. Playing guitar now is a great stress relief for me. I'm still not great, but who cares? I like doing it and that's what's important. You can do it too! Youtube is a great source.

As far as being self conscious about your stretch marks I would say that I too had stretch marks. I never was fat, but I hit a growth spurt. I was lucky enough that mine faded from red to a white and I think I'm the only one that notices them. Yours might fade as well, even if they don't no one else will ever care about them as much as you.

I wish you well and hope that you apply for that job or go to school for what you want. *hug*

[CosM129]

Hi sending you a hug as well, I hope this message finds you in a better place.
I would suggest meetup groups, volunteering, or both or even
toastmasters to just learn how to speak in front of people?

What i would have like to know way back in the day is how to make
new friendships and i hear the best thing to do is practice.
Talk to women in different situations without wanting to go out
with them at all, everyone around from cashiers to people at a buss or coffee shop.
Don't have any agenda or anything in mind- this way you can learn whom you like and you dont have to feel
weird about being a virgin. Don't worry about that right now if you can, just
meet people and see who you like. Thank you for sharing i am sure that your not alone there.

Even better if your feeling brave an Improv group, drama is a good way to expand your life I think that
those are free but see how it works. Could also check online just type in a search for free or low cost
leisure activities if you like sports or going to the pool

You seem to have a good head on your shoulders it is so hard to be out of school
( I have been in your shoes it was so hard after graduating to have had to move back home, being broke and depressed and lonely i get it.
Do you think you might need someone to talk too? just another suggestion. Free therapy) Do you have free courses at the library to just figure out how to do resumes, and interviews? or just free databases.?

Here's hoping your feeling better, best of luck to you hope this helps just some ideas

[BlackHole]

Your depression is valid. You are valid. I don't know what all this hoopla is about depression being a mental illness. To me, that's like talking about cloud computing. Most of us know about "the cloud'. We know what it is, we know its purpose and function, but how many people can say WHERE this stupid cloud is? Not many. It's a figment of our imaginations. Just like mental illness. But that's bullpoop! Depression is a physical illness. There is some sort of physical abnormality within our brains that causes this affliction. It happens to the poor, the rich, to intellects and simple folk, to blacks, whites, yellows, browns, reds... Depression does not discriminate. It is not your fault that you are depressed.

It seems that you've had your fair share of difficulty in life. People make up these social constructs of norms and whatnot and we judge each other using norms as a sort of measuring tool. The moment that someone doesn't fit inside the proverbial box, they are immediately labelled as different and are to be treated accordingly. OMG! You don't look like Channing Tatum! You're different. You belong over "there", away from "us". What? You only have a B-cup?! You're a freak and definitely less of a woman. Please, stay away from us.

People don't mean to be mean. People are only trying to survive the best way they know how. And for the most part, surviving means fitting/blending in. So you're a 25-year-old virgin. That's okay. Why do some people think that's weird? Because we as animals have an innate need to breed, and breeding happens when you're young and most likely more able to carry out the function(s). However, we as a race have evolved, and procreating isn't exactly a priority for some people nowadays. It's not even a thought for a few. DINKs are becoming ever more popular: Dual Income, No Kids. They don't want rugrats! Big whoop! We're overpopulated as it is.

Just remember, the meek shall inherit the earth. And nerds are becoming evermore THE in-crowd. It's true. I read it on the internet.