I feel so alone..

[doccess]

And now I feel like a drama queen just looking at that subject line. Gack.
Listen, I KNOW I am not actually alone, I have 3 kids, a husband, a job, friends.. and all of that makes me feel like an ungrateful wretch for feeling alone... but I can't shake this persistent certainty that no one - NO ONE - really cares. I can't stop believing that whatever I am is not good enough, not deserving enough to be loved. I can't throw away the feeling that I am meant only to DO the things I DO and make sure they get DONE and not to be emotionally fulfilled, not to be anything more than a placeholder for a real person.. just to serve as someone who makes sure my family's house is cleaned, our bills are paid, my job is done.
Right now I'm swinging back and forth between being overwhelmingly sad.. feeling that I am better off dead - Holy Crap that's tough to put out there! I'm not suicidal, I more feel like that if something happened to me, if I went away, there would be no empty space left behind me and at least AT LEAST I wouldn't be in this emotional pain anymore. - and incredibly angry. But angry at myself for being weak. Angry at myself for being a drama queen.
Ugh.
That's all. That's how I feel right now.

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello doccess, welcome to the forum!

(wanted to get the welcome first, before I started with my dumb self-absorbed rambling... )

I wish I had some words of wisdom, but I can say that for me too, my mood is also out of place for all the advantages of my situation.

Here is some stupid advice, exactly what I am working through because of a therapist session on Wednesday. My anxiety always twists on itself, and I am always left with "Life will always be a struggle" and not existing would be such a relief.

But I don't have to worry about "life" I just have to worry about the task of the next 5 minutes, and I don't have to worry about "always" because my short term actions will probably have short term results, and I remove negative energy if I replace the word "struggle" with the word "challenge"

I have a business trip, it is causing great anxiety, but for now I have the little challenge of packing a small carry-on bag in no more than 25 minutes, knowing I will do it imperfectly.

if I went away, there would be no empty space left behind me and at least AT LEAST I wouldn't be in this emotional pain anymore. - and incredibly angry. But angry at myself for being weak. Angry at myself for being a drama queen.

You don't deserve the suffering you are feeling now. There is no magical pill or therapy, but there is hope you can see sunshine again - and it might not take much, who knows.

Please take care, all the best, we here are all cheering for you and for your greatest today and tomorrow!

[GMHH]

Hi Docess, I'm sorry to hear you are unhappy. I can totally relate to feeling guilty because you know you have it better than your mind will allow you to believe. Just as your mind is perverting reality and creating a sense of aloneness within you, it is also creating that belief in you that nobody cares. I'm sure your loved ones value you more than you can imagine. Perhaps it would be helpful to reflect upon the last time you felt a sense of belonging? Are there any tangible differences between than and now? Also, while you may feel like reaching out for help is a weakness that makes you a "drama queen"; I would look at it as a strength. Your ability to recognize the issue and seek help speaks volumes of your character. I hope you find happiness and a sense of belonging soon. At the very least, please know you are not alone.

[doccess]

manuel_moe_g and GMHH, A million thanks to both of you for your encouraging words and good advice. I've never really said "out loud" how I feel about wanting to be dead.. it was tough and your replies made it worth it to go through that. Thank you thank you thank you for your support!!

[GMHH]

I'm glad you were able to express yourself openly and honestly. Everyone and I mean EVERYONE is walking around with baggage and we just mask it because we have this toxic belief that this is how we are supposed to behave. If everyone was more open and honest the stigma attached to these problems would disappear and an open dialogue could finally begin to help us resolve our issues. I wish you continued success on your journey towards happiness. Have an awesome day.