Depression/anxiety/frustration has kicked up a notch

[weary]

Thanks for the support.
I truly appreciate it.

[JasmineP]

I've been quiet, I understand the appeal of isolation, but try to resist that. Keep people close. Try. Something I like is to be around people, even if i'm quiet and not really engaging, sometimes it's nice to just be there and listen. Drift in and out of your thoughts a bi. Sometimes it's nice to just be a spectator and to be around other people when you don't feel as well as you wish you did.

[diaz]

I think you're on the verge of a breakthrough, weary. The best thing you can do at this point is to stop hiding your emotions from the people who are causing you so much pain. Release it in their presence. Let them experience the full force of your emotions. Stop protecting them. They will be fine - I assure you. And if they suffer a little bit, so what? It's about time.

[weary]

I actually had a bit of a breakdown yesterday. All of the anger and stress and depression really imploded. There was a lot of crying, yelling. Not one of my prouder moments. I was at home and most of it was with my wife. However, I still wasn't able to really confront the issues between us directly - about the bad thoughts and feelings that I have about her and about our relationship, the strong feelings that I have about wanting to escape it. Most of the angst was directed inward. I was emoting and communicating about how shitty I feel about myself, and how I feel like nothing that I do makes a difference, whether it is in my career, or my marriage, or with my family. My wife was very kind and compassionate and listened to me and tried to help me steer away from the maelstrom of negative and self-critical thoughts. I have had breakdowns like that multiple times over the past few years, but most often they come after we have been fighting or after my wife had already been having her own breakdown and it had worn me to the point of no return. We both have a tendency for massive intensity of negative emotion that leaves us both drained and crushed.

It is very confusing, because on one hand, I feel like there was a little more emotional intimacy than there had been in a while. On the other hand, there are still things that are walled off - thoughts and feelings that I am hiding from her. Things that I am afraid to express to her because (1) My thoughts/feelings are intrinsically not OK, or (2) they will upset/anger/hurt her and I don't want to deal with that. I don't think she is a bad person. I love her very much. She has problems, and she has flaws, as do I, and she is working on them. I am just tired of dealing with them, and dealing with the burden caused by her behaviors. And the way that living with her behaviors day in and day out makes me feel about myself, and what I deserve, and how worthy I am. I really, really appreciate that she was listening to me and being compassionate. I wish that was enough. I wish I didn't have years worth of anger and resentment built up against her that make it really hard to connect emotionally, that interfere with my ability to have fun with her, that even mess up our sex life. I don't want to be so depressed, stressed or angry. I know logically that the negative self-talk is bullshit. I know that I'm a good person, that I deserve good things, that I don't have to put up with people treating me like crap. And yet I'm still afraid to make things happen, I am exhausted and feel like I don't have the time/space/mental energy to make things happen, I feel selfish attending to myself and not other people, and I live in such fear of disappointing or upsetting my wife or other people and having to deal with their anger, sadness, anxiety and the behaviors fueled by those emotions.

[weary]

JasmineP - it's not a desire for complete isolation (although I do feel like I need SOME time and space to myself more than I have now). It's separating myself from the people who I feel like are driving me crazy, who are doing things that keep me stuck and are hurting me, or the people who I can't be myself around. It's finding and spending time with people who I can be myself around, and who I feel OK being myself around, and can help me get used to that. Some members of my therapy group are like that. I met a woman a few years ago who made me feel like that, and I got confused and it turned into a big mess because things started to get inappropriately close and it ended up becoming an emotional affair and was on the verge of becoming a physical affair. I am (and my wife is) afraid of that happening again, but I need that emotional closeness with other people as much as I really want to rebuild it with my wife if that is possible. But sometimes I just feel like I need a clean break from all of the toxic relationships in my life and I need to start over with new ones. But then there is the fear that nobody will actually want to be with me at this point.

[diaz]

You are definitely on to something big here, Weary. I think it’s time to take that step that you’ve been avoiding for so long. Your wife seems like a wonderful, compassionate woman who can accept the things you want to say. It may be tough, but I think you need to be honest and straight forward with her. That doesn’t mean you have to let it ALL out at once. Perhaps you can just tell her one thing to start. See how that goes, then gradually reveal more. I think she will appreciate you being honest, straight-forward and vulnerable. What do you have to lose? Give it a shot. Just tell her one thing that really bothers you.
I think you’ll be amazed at the results.

[diaz]

Also, many of the things you say on this forum are things you should consider telling your wife. Everything you have said thus far comes from a place of earnestness, honesty, compassion and love.
You are a great guy who is trying his darnedest! Can you see that?

And don't box yourself in too much. Open your mind to the possibility that you and your wife weren't meant to be together. That is not to say that you aren't! I just know that for me, it can be a release to contemplate the worst possible scenario (which is - for me - suicide). That might seem twisted, but sometimes it feels nice knowing that there is always that option.

[weary]

Thanks Diaz. I have been working really hard on being honest and vulnerable for a long time. For many, many years, I felt like I couldn't be, because my wife (and so many other people) were the ones that were falling apart and I had to be the strong, stoic one who always said everything will be all right. I just stopped believing it after a while.

The things that are still painful and scary to talk about are her problems. Specifically, the behaviors that I don't want to put up with any more, fueled by her depression and anxiety, which in turn is fueled by her bad childhood. I have sacrificed and suffered and endured a lot, mostly because I thought I was being compassionate when I was really being enabling. It is exhausting for someone to need so much practical and emotional support and reassurance from me and at the same time, I feel like it's out of bounds for me to ask for simple things. And then it makes me feel like a bad person. I should love her the way she is, but if it means that I will never have kids? I will never even have a clean house that is not full of anxious tension all the time? That I will never have a partner that I can depend on to pull her weight in the relationship? That I can never have any control over my schedule and my space because of someone else's chaos?

I opened my eyes several years ago to the possibility that my wife and I might not be together forever, and it has broken both of our hearts and just given her a completely new and intense focus for her anxiety. I was stuck for a long time because I could tell her something that I was frustrated about that I wanted to change, and a lot of the time she would either get angry and defensive or disintegrate into tears (although sometimes she would respond calmly), but the bottom line was that she was the best that she could, she didn't know how to do any better, she wasn't perfect, but that she was committed to changing and I would have to be patient. Depending on the reaction, I might back off, or I might see it as a good sign, but patience rarely pays off. I'm suffering through the same behaviors year in and year out. This is for simple things - and if it is impossible to change simple things, I am despondent that major life improvements will ever happen.

I used to feel like I couldn't add any teeth to anything - I couldn't say I really need this to change or else, because or else what? I also felt like there were two options - either miraculously things would change and we would both be happy, or (more likely), they wouldn't change but we would stay together and be miserable forever. Then at one point, my therapist point blank asked me if you can live like this forever, and I said no. At that point, the option of us not staying together first became real, but my interpretation of it was it would be trading one kind of misery for another and I would just be alone without a girlfriend/wife or even any real friends for the rest of my life - maybe a step away from some things that drive me crazy, but not a step towards what I want out of life. Then, two years ago, I met a woman with whom I shared a strong emotional connection and attraction and I realized that there is a possibility for me to find happiness with someone else (just in general, not even necessarily that person). That caused a major shift. And when my wife found out about her, that caused a major shift for her, as well.

Now I feel like I'm screwed. When I do communicate things to my wife that I wish were different, I am sometimes accused of making a list of things I don't like about her so that I can use it as "evidence" that she's unworthy and leave her. She says that if I give her a list of 100 things and she can only do 99 of them, then I will leave her and it will all be for nothing. We spent many weeks in marriage counseling and it still flares up to this day arguing about committment - with her position being that I have to promise to stay together no matter what otherwise she's not willing to put the investment in making things better if she has no guarantees. Meanwhile, she's not willing to guarantee anything, so apparently she just wants me to sign a blank check. She wants me to say everything is going to be OK. She wants unconditional promises. The thing is, this is not about not loving her for who she is. I do love her. But I can't live with a lot of her behaviors. I know that I have problems and I am responsible for my contribution to our relationship. I have had to be functional the whole time despite my problems - I have had to cram my feelings down and keep plowing ahead. She, on the other hand, has been relieved of a lot of the responsibilities of life due to her problems - and in fact, my burdens have been increased. Historically, I can blame myself for a lot of that - I took on a lot of things because I thought I was being compassionate to her and being a good husband and taking care of her and giving her the space/support/security she needed to fix her problems. When things were really hard to cope with, I would tell myself that I was making an investment for our future happiness, and this would let her figure her shit out and then the suffering and sacrifice would be worth it and would have a meaning. And I thought I was tough, that I could put up with anything, because it can't stay that way forever, right?

The thing is, Diaz, I don't think that she can accept a lot of the things I have to say. A lot of the tension and frustration is that we see things different ways, and she is entrenched in a lot of her feelings, thoughts and behaviors even as she has gained a lot of insight through therapy and self-study that makes her aware of them. Sometimes it really seems like she feels like her only obligation as a wife is to be affectionate and loving and faithful, and all of that other stuff that makes life actually happen doesn't really matter. That if she keeps making mistakes and banging her head against the same wall day in and day out, well, that's her problem and it doesn't affect or concern me. And if I have needs that aren't being met, well, she's doing her best, and I have to live with that. She can't handle the idea that I am not 100% sure that we are going to be together for the rest of our lives no matter what, and it makes her anxious, sad, and angry. And so I often feel like it has to be all or nothing - either I numb myself out or find some way of completely accepting things as they are and finding some happiness/joy/contentment in things the way they are, or I just have to leave - there's no in between. And that sucks. So I stay stuck in this mental/emotional limbo. Meanwhile, this is supposed to be my home, my wife, my oasis from all of the troubles that I am dealing with out in the world. It is like I am seeking refuge from a hurricane in a whirlpool.

[meh]

Hi Weary - your situation sounds a lot like mine. I'm 48 and first trying to come to terms and get past years of depression, anxiety, mania and all the rest. Everyone - my wife, my sister, my psychiatrist, has advice but it all boils down to the idea that I have to stop looking backwards (at my shadow as my wife put it) and start moving forward. Maybe tomorrow will suck. But that's just life. I'll get past it.

I feel sometimes I just need to embrace it all, as weird as that sounds, and then it won't have so much power over me.

We're all rooting for you. You are not alone.

[weary]

Thanks meh.

I'm fucking crazy. My wife is fucking crazier. Being at home, being around her is Hell a lot of the time. It doesn't matter what I do. It's not just that there is no comfort and support - it's not just that there are so many things in life that I am not getting out of my relationship. It is that I am getting the exact opposite of what I need so much of the time. Home is not an oasis from my problems - it is a fucking cauldron of shit. And yet I'm the biggest asshole in the world for even having the fleeting feeling or thought that maybe I don't want to stay stuck in this for the rest of my life if it will never change. Just having that feeling or thought is a crime. I feel horribly guilty and ashamed about those thoughts, and my wife's insecurity about our relationship has made her moods and behavior off the charts, no matter what I do to show her that I do love her and that I am serious about working on my problems and I want us to be happy together, but at the same time I'm not willing to continue to give up who I am and who I want to be and my wants and needs for her bullshit. I can't even begin to describe what happened tonight that has me so angry. My previous therapist was convinced that I should leave her. Many people in my therapy group bring up the idea of moving out, if only temporary. That just doesn't seem a viable option for so many reasons - that would make things worse. There would be no moving out and then working things out. I may as well file for divorce if I were to move out, even if I just decided I needed to go stay in a hotel for one night to get out of fucking crazy town.

And this is by no means the only thing on my plate right now, this day, this week, this hour! I am probably going to be up all night finishing something from work that I should have finished days or weeks ago. I have stressful bullshit legal paperwork that I am behind on for my fucking family. I haven't gone running or done any exercise except for one yoga class in over three weeks. I feel completely like shit. Oh, and my therapist cancelled my appointment for next week, so it's going to be a fucking month between appointments again. Every two weeks is bad enough. I really wish he had time to see me every week - even twice a week (although I don't think I really have time for that). At least I have group every week.I'm considering going back to my other therapist because his schedule was less full, but I felt like things weren't really moving forward with him. Maybe I should start another thread about figuring out therapist dynamics. This rant is long enough as it is. If you've read this all the way to the end, I commend your compassion or just your morbid curiosity and I thank you for your interest.