Completely overwhelmed and terrified

[overwhelmed]

Hi everyone -

Not sure about this but here goes. I have made a couple of life decisions and am terrified, tortured, by the fear that I've taken a wrong turn. I left a country I love very much (where I'd lived for a few years) to return home to be close to my family. I broke up with a great man to do this. I left a well-paid job where I was happy and had good prospects. I had many friends there. I figured that it was the right thing to do, but I've missed my second home nearly every day since. I felt very guilty when I was there because my life was pretty great. It didn't feel right to be succeeding so far away from home. I think now I might have been wrong to go down this line of thinking because I'm now very unhappy.

I reached out to my ex before I left as I felt really unsure about leaving him. I don't think we tried very hard to make it work, in fact, I think he pushed me away because our situation mirrored a previous relationship of his that had ended catastrophically because of distance. He said that he was sure if we were right for each other we would have gotten back together before my message. He distanced himself entirely from that point. This was incredibly hurtful as he had been extremely involved in my life before then. I felt really abandoned and misunderstood. I am terrorised by this feeling that he doesn't understand how difficult it was to leave him, that he chose to see it as me dumping him, even though he pushed and pushed me to make a decision about where I would live, to the point that I think I chose to leave because I panicked slightly. (We had been dating for 4-5 months when he began pressuring me to tell him what 'my plans' were.)

Fast forward to home. I'm living with my parent, who suffered some brain damage as a result of a medical condition a few years back (in fact just before I left for the other country). I have been looking for a job but had a few knockbacks. I had a fight with my parent this evening because I tried to share some of the fears and concerns and sadness I've been experiencing. They basically shut me down and got angry at my attempts to share these feelings, asked 'what did you expect would happen?' and then told me I'm too much sometimes. I ended up apologising for sharing with them. They were incredibly hostile at my expression of feelings, told me that I was worrying about nothing.

This latest event has left me feeling very, very alone. It's like my parent has changed fundamentally, and I feel overwhelmed by the grief for my old life and the simultaneous confusing sense of duty and (a little) resentment I feel towards my parent. I am overcome by sad feelings at the life I was set up to have, and anger at myself for giving it up. But then I circle back to the sense of responsibility I feel towards my family, and I can't see how it could have been any different.

Any advice or words of encouragement people have to offer would be really helpful at the moment. So much thanks for just letting me pour this out.

Peace x

[weary]

Hi Overwhelmed -

You sound like you are really feeling sad and scared. I'm sorry to hear that, but I can relate to some of the feelings. I think it is a positive thing that you are accepting the responsibility that you made these choices and decisions (not that you felt like you HAD to), but you also acknowledge that guilt was a major driving force in making those decisions. I hope you can find the strength to really think about the things that are important to you - obviously being close to your family was important to you, even if there was guilt/obligation driving the decision to move home. If you gave up other things that were important to you for doing that, maybe the way out now is to try to figure out what specific aspects of those things (as well as being close to your family) are important to you/satisfy important needs so you can try to figure out if there are ways to get all of those needs attended to at once rather than having to choose one path or another and feel guilty one way or resentful/sad the other way.

My heart goes out to you in terms of having to cope with another person (especially a parent) who doesn't seem to be themself, especially as a consequence of a medical issue. That must be a real struggle. If it helps, my first impression of you is that you are a very self-aware, mature person who is very sensitive and caring and responsible, and I think that posting on here is a really positive step in learning how to better apply those characteristics to be kind and compassionate to yourself and not just other people. Hang in there and welcome.

[Stina]

Overwhelmed --
I'm thinking some good thoughts for you. Be strong.

[weary]

Hi Overwhelmed -

How are things going? You haven't been on here in a while, but we're still thinking about you and wishing you well!