Self Harm and Me

[Leif]

I have problems with self harm.
Right now I'm in that blank lack of feelings stage that comes right after I cut. And I know the feeling won't last for long but just for a little bit it feels nice to feel empty.
And then feelings start leaking in little by little. It's like tar. Thick and dark and disgusting.
My old therapist used to tell me to stop whatever I was doing a few times a day to reevaluate how I was feeling, actually feeling, instead of letting my feelings build up. A lot of the time it helps. And other days it goes something like "Yup, I feel terrible.", and a few hours later I do it again and "Yeah, still think I'm shit.".
I've been self harming since I was very young. Cutting, punching, whipping, or hitting my head against the wall or floor until I was dizzy. Nowadays I generally just stick to cutting. It helps me relax. It helps me to not want to do more.
I have this fantasy of stabbing myself, I've only done it once when I was younger. I had a funny moment while cutting where the idea crossed my mind to stab myself in the heart (so dramatic, I know). The reason it was funny to me is because I'm a transgender man who hasn't gotten top surgery and was "blessed" with a large chest so it would actually be physically impossible for me to actually stab myself in the heart with the short knife I use to cut. So I was laughing and crying. I hate my body but sometimes it does keep me from doing incredibly stupid things.
The depression never comes back as strong after I cut. I know I shouldn't do it but I never feel bad about doing it. In its weird way it helps.

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello Leif, welcome to the forum!

I wish I had some advice - I have no experience with cutting, only with rage and anger. I hope you can get help so you can treat yourself lovingly. Take care, we here are all cheering for you, and for your greatest today and tomorrow!

[fifthsonata]

I get it. I'm not transgendered, but when the emotions get so overwhelming, this is the only thing that seems to relieve them. None of the "coping" techniques shrinks suggest work because it's nowhere near as close to the feelings that suffocate your chest from inside out.

Some people cut to feel, I do it so the feelings are not as much.

[Leif]

manuel_moe_g , A problem I have is that I don't get mad, angry, no rage. I can count the number of times I've gotten mad in the last ten years on one hand. I have a problem feeling strong emotions and pretty much suppressed anger for so long it's now kind of gone. And that's where the cutting comes in. Thank you for the encouraging words though, I actually am feeling much better now then I was this morning.

fifthsonata, Yeah, cutting has always felt like it's "worked" tons better then any techniques I've been taught, I still try to hold out on it fr as long as possible though. I find it curious and interesting that for some people it's the seeing the blood that helps and for others it's the act of cutting itself.

[Kanata]

@Leif - Boy this rings true to me. I'm transgendered or some sort of gender thingy. Basically a transgendered man if I had to narrow it down and I also cut, punch, burn, whack my head, arms, etc.

No real advice. My therapist tells me to practice harm reduction. Basically hold out as long as I can (do my painting my emotions, writing, etc) and then try to choose a method that doesn't hurt the worst if I have to do it. Having breasts has been triggering me lately a lot too.

I don't know if you can relate to that but I just wanted to say that you are not alone in this as well.

[Leif]

@Kanata Thank you, that actually does help, if just for the moment. I get caught up in negative thinking and it leads to depression and then to self harm. It sounds odd but cutting holds a special place in my heart, since I was a kid I became obsessed with the idea of "cutting the bad away", like you would do with cheese or vegetables. Harm reduction is a thing I do as well. Or try to do. More recently I've started to pinch myself, not the answer I know, but better then cutting.

A lot of days my breasts don't bother me, I'm very dissociated from them nowadays. Then every once in a while something will happen, I'll wear something low cut, it'll be a bad day and I want to wear my binder but it's not clean so I'll have to go out without it, somebody will make a comment at the gym. And then everything just crashes. I'm suddenly reminded that this body, my body, does not outwardly look how I feel it should. Hearing a "ma'am" or "miss" makes me feel sick.

It's confusing. But knowing that I'm not the only one with feelings like this does really help right now.

[Kanata]

@Leif. I'm glad that it helps you to know you are not alone. It helps me too. Cutting is my fall back position too and I find myself missing it sometimes. I've resorted lately to banging my wrist against things and just thinking "break my arm". Gosh, that sounds so weird but it is better than adding more scars.

I don't have a binder as I haven't found one made for fat people like me but I have the same association. I am usually disassocated from them but sometimes I'll just suddenly be aware of what my body looks like and feels like and just get overwhelmed with hate and disgust. Same when someone refers to me as a woman. My therapist is pretty good at using person but sometimes he forgets and it just takes me out of the discussion and makes my head go "THAT's NOT ME!!!". Blah.

[Leif]

@Kanata This has nothing to do with my original topic, but I'm on the larger size as well, If you're looking for a binder Underworks binders work pretty great. They're the best ones I've found so far.

[Cherry_Iceee]

I was a cutter. I think it was harder to give up than smoking. I tried using rubberbands around the wrist. The idea is to snap it every time you have the urge to cut. That sort of helped. But then you get the habit of snapping bracelets and messing with things on your wrists. I would also hold out as long as possible and try to find something to occupy my mind. I played video games that were bloody and gory. I can say its been at least ten years since i last cut but i can say i still sometimes think about it but its fleeting. Theres been times ive cut myself accidently and thought wow that felt good. And then i wonder how much of an accident was it really. It does get easier and the only advice i have is to try your hardest to occupy your mind with something else. I know at times its second by second.

[LittleOrphanMissy]

It goes like this. I am digging down with cutting. Just finished adding a couple of slices to the right leg. Really wouldn't mind adding a GASH to match the left leg. Not fucked up enough. Christ. This ride blows . Btw, am 48- have two years left. I am going out bilbo baggins style for my birthday. It's really the best plan ever cause, we'll it just is. Sorry I did not "help"j