Discombobulated and kinda freaked

[lawlessness45]

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What the fuck is going on? I'm just flooded with all these...memories all the sudden. Guess calling cs to try and work out my bill wasn't the best idea. That and looking at the date. Yesterday marked 4 months since entry. And Thursday will mark 4 months since my release. I want to talk about it all the sudden. Talk about what it was like. It wasn't a vacation. It wasn't fun. It, in and of itself, was traumatizing. Scary. Lonely.

I left earlier than I should have. The following weeks were a testament to that. But I didn't feel safe with those two scary, violent, crazy people there. Couldn't stand to be in that small space with them, with no way to escape.

I want to talk about it. But people don't want to hear about your stay in a psyche ward. It's my fault I was there in the first place. So complaining about how much it sucked, and how scared and frustrated and Lonely you felt is really rather pathetic.

God, I wish I had someone to talk to. Someone to dump on. Someone other than my therapist. Just someone who would sit with me--face to face--or over the phone even--and laugh and cry with me about the fucked up shit that went on. I want a physical person. Someone to connect to.

Just...someone to be real with.

Paul keeps mentioning support groups in the podcast. And I know I could probably find some good people there. And I would feel less alone and like a freak in moments like these. But I just have these ridiculous fears that keep me from trying one out. I'm afraid it will be depressing. I'm afraid someone will tell me,"what's someone like you doing in a place like this?" I'm afraid I'll get angry and irritated at people who I feel "don't have it as bad" or have it "better" than I do. (I've been doing that when I hear coworkers complain, recently. I don't ever say anything, but I feel my blood boil and I have to walk away). I'm afraid to be seen as a fucked up failure. Guess going to a support group feels like admitting defeat. Like I'm finally saying, "I can't do it on my own."

And really, I can't. I know I can't. Me doing it on my own put me in the hospital 4 months ago. But I like to pretend. To believe. To try my damnedest to prove everyone wrong. To prove that, yes, I am capable of this, and no, I don't need your placating, condescending offer if assistance, thank you. Gaaaarg. I just need yo bite the bullet and try one out. Maybe if I look at it as a sort if scientific experiment it won't be so intimidating. Overall I've been doing well. Ridiculously well. Today...just stuff seemed to sideswipe me. God...I need to stop wasting company time and get to work. Just writing this out has helped. Made me feel a little less...on edge. Maybe now I can focus on my day without feeling like a wild eyed hair trigger waiting to be tripped.

[manuel_moe_g]

Hoping for some strength for you in this time of confusion, lawlessness45. I hope your need for "I want a physical person. Someone to connect to. Just...someone to be real with." comes true. You are an awesome person!