Hopeless, lost, lonely

[Camp4]

The last year I have been progressively feeling more and more like I am somehow less than other people. Less successful, less worthy of love, less good looking, less ambitious, less creative. I haven't had a relationship in a year, and my last one only lasted about 2 months and wasn't very serious. Before that it was 2 years. I am 30 years old and cant relate to other people, despite being very athletic, active, and interested in a variety of things. Relating to people seems so superficial, and it seems impossible to get beyond a superficial layer with anyone I meet. Especially girls. I feel unworthy of almost every girl I see, so I cant approach that girl and express interest. Do I even have interest in most girls? No...because I am judgmental and competitive to a fault. I wish I could see girls and not be intimidated by them. I wish I could talk to guys and not feel threatened by them, or that I have to one-up them athletically or with book smarts. I wish I could let my guard down and feel inner peace.

30 years old and my friends are all in relationships. Sure I don't envy the ones who have settled on something less than ideal, but what is ideal? I tell myself I like being single, but I am lonely. The last few weeks I have been sleeping in extremely late. I have a flexible schedule right now that allows me to do that but it makes me feel worthless. I have no desire to get up every day and run the rat race. I see people around me with this huge drive, every day getting up eager, having coffee, having meetings, making calls, hustling to get ahead. I have lost that drive, despite being super active. I run 25 miles per week, do gym workouts 4 days a week. Yet I still feel inferior and less ambitious than those around me.

I want to contribute to society and help other people, but don't see an outlet to do so. I want to have a passion for life. Competitiveness has driven my passion so far in life, but it seems like a pointless motivation, competing with others. There will always be someone stronger, faster, smarter, better looking, getting more attention than me.

I don't trust other people. I have about 2 friends I really trust. One is an ex girlfriend who I love, but cannot be with because we have different core values, which kills me. I wish my values were more aligned with hers. Despite that, she still gives me the best advice of anyone I know, but with that comes the jealousy I have to endure when I hear of her sexual exploits. We aren't together, but I feel hurt when I know other guys are able to have that connection with her that I cant.

I have been to therapy years ago when I was desperate, taking too many drugs and alcohol and losing touch with reality. But no therapy for the last 5 years. I have never taken any medication long term. I feel like I am depressed right now. I get angry every time I see advertisements for depression meds. As if I can just go down to the local store and buy them. Sure I would love to try out Lexapro, Effexor, or Seroquel. I would love to try some Modafinil because I lack energy and am easily distracted. It seems that anyone with enough money/influence can get whatever drug they want. Whether they somehow get their (personal?) physician to prescribe their drug of choice, or get it illegally, people are seemingly treating themselves with these great drugs. I don't have a doctor. I haven't seen one in years. I don't feel worthy. I actually FEEL like seeing a doctor is a luxury, designed for those who are wealthy and who have the drive to see one. I feel like doctors cater to people who are ambitious, taking initiative and getting what they want. These people GET the pills they want, they GET the job they want, they GET the girl they want. They go out and get it. I feel unworthy of even seeing a doctor.

Thanks for reading. This is how I feel today.

[oak]

Hey Camp you are definitely not alone.

I often feel the same as you: that "haves" get health care/insurance.

As far as talking to women, I found several resources, popular dating books, which helped. They were also faustian bargains, but sometimes a faustian bargain is still a good bargain. I learned long ago that I couldn't compete with other men as far as looks, muscles, car, job, and money, so I didn't compete. There are a number of proven ways to attract and talk to actual women. Like the apple in the garden of Eden, all knowledge has a price.

In general there is absolutely, definitely hope for people who find themselves in your situation.