Preggers Pressure from the Mom in Law

[sliceofpandabread]

So, I have two sister in laws. One has a 2 year old boy and the other is 4 months pregnant with a baby girl. I'm happy for my sister-in-laws, and I think they both make great moms. The problem is that my mother in law keeps hoping that I'll give her a grandbaby, and I JUST DON'T WANT TO. I can't say I'm feeling sick to my stomach without her probing me for information, as if I'm hiding that I'm pregnant. News Flash: No, I'm not fucking pregnant. I've expressed before that your son and I do not want to have children, and your pressure is starting to make me feel like I'm not worth as much as my sister in laws.

I must give credit to her for her good qualities because I feel guilty even admitting this feeling. My mother in law is a very generous lady - she is always giving me things she finds that I would like. And I think that's so nice and I want to connect with her. I'm her first daughter-in-law and since I don't have a mom, I really want her to fill that spot.

She seems so disinterested in me otherwise. She doesn't ask how I'm doing anymore. She doesn't ask about my job or classes, and she never does anything with just me. It's like, I'm not enough. I have to be a walking incubator to please her. I don't want to have babies. I had a fucked up childhood and I'm terrified that having a baby will bring out the worst in me. I've talked to her and my father-in-law about the horrible relationship I had with my parents and the problems I had because of it. I'm starting to entertain the idea of just giving up on a close relationship altogether because I don't know how to take it any further without her effort.

[moonlightwatie]

Married and childfree here.
You are not obligated to have a child you don't want.
Repeat this sentence as often as you need to: "MIL, the subject of me giving you a grandchild is closed. I will not discuss this with you."

If she can't drop it, it means that her getting a grandchild from her son is more important to her than respecting the woman her son married. And is that really the kind of mother figure you want?

[sliceofpandabread]

Damn, you should be a peptalk expert! I appreciate the encouragement very much. I already repeated that sentence to myself a few times and it felt pretty good. Did your MIL ever pressure you about babies?

[moonlightwatie]

I was a part of a childfree Usenet group at the turn of the century. We talked about this all of the time. I'm also a member of Metafilter, which gives blunt advice like this out so often that it's easy to repeat now.

My MIL was fine with her grandcats (all gone now). FIL and his wife were a little but they got over it. My parents gave me crap for awhile but waited in the hospital the day I got my tubes tied.

Grandchildren are status symbols. If an older person really wants to have that kind of bond with a young child, there are ways to do that without bringing an unwanted child into this world.