)The social norm - whether it was a parent who caused serious damage growing up or someone who didn't invite you to a party - is to forgive and forget right away. And furthermore, society tells you that if you don't, you are "unforgiving," "bitter," "stuck in the past," "holding a hot coal," "drinking poison," "carrying baggage," etc. People love labels and cliches.
As time goes on, the shame builds up, especially if you are regularly paying for or investing time in therapy. Suddenly now, you feel you are on this time crunch to get healed and get your money's worth from this professional. You are feeling great for a while, and then like a tsunami, the old hurt shows up unexpectedly. And what do people do? They shame themselves or feel like dysfunctional failures. They feel they should be over this by now.
I think we need to begin applauding ourselves. First of all, I am over the idea we are supposed to "get over it." I believe it continues to show up because we haven't extracted the wisdom we were supposed to get from it and we haven't fully transformed the situation into something useful in our lives or the lives of others.
That is one epiphany. Here is my second -
We shouldn't shame ourselves because we are taking too long to heal. We should applaud ourselves because that is how loving we are. We are told just the opposite. We are labeled as bitter grudge-holders in some form or another.
The truth is, we do not feel that way because we are just impossible, angry people. We continue to feel that way because our hearts are too big. We wanted so badly to LOVE these people who hurt us, and we don't feel they loved us back. We can't let it go, not because we haven't enough self-worth to let it go, but because we have too much of it. It frustrates us when the world does not reflect what our soul's love for ourselves. And the more we wanted to love that person who wronged us, the longer and harder it hurts.
I think this is why forgiveness and closure is such a struggle for people. We are told to "do it for ourselves." We should have enough self-worth to forgive. That is not the problem. We are fully aware of what we deserved, that is why we can't let it go. We actually need to forgive for THEM.
We were only hurt by the lower, egoic forms of those people, their damaged selves and their limiting beliefs. There soul can never be damaged or have a low-self esteem though, and the Higher Self of the people who did the unkindest things to us actually do love us very much.
It helped me last night, for the first time, to say a little prayer to the Higher Selves of the people who hurt me. I am not going to lie and say my world turned to technicolor afterwards, but I realize now that this is the way. They weren't, for whatever reason, able to show me love or accept my love. l had too much love in thay moment, and in that same moment, they unfortunately didn't have enough.
Try to look back at old movies in your mind of when people did or said hurtful or cold things. Say in your mind, "I am sorry you were incapable of giving me the love and approval that I needed." It wasn't their soul that felt that way, it was whatever was/is broken inside them that felt that way.
