Hopeful & Empowering Moments from the ashes

[AndyLand]

i had two things happen today that helped negate another bad phone call with my mom. I'm getting over stomach flu of 2 weeks along with missing my weekly chemo immune suppressant during that time and taking care of 2 kids and a husband, all sick as well. I had one of those calls with my bipolar mom who is coming off an angry manic cycle today that caused me enough anxiety to get the runs 15 minutes after hanging up. Specifics don't matter and please anyone who is bipolar please know my mom is a complicated case, just because she stresses me out sometimes doesn't mean it's that way in all cases, and even with my mom when she's in balance we have a loving relationship.

So once I realized I was having the anxiety shits, (pause for laughter) ...., I decided to visit the forum and leave some encouragement and love for others, which I did. That always brightens my day. Then since I felt a little better I went to help my 12 year old work on purging his room. We were going through his toys and he was deciding what to keep and what to give away. As we were going through the stuffed animals I held up a stuffed pig I gave him when he was tiny that oinks. I thought for sure it would go to the giveaway pile. But he got the sweetest, nostalgic look on his face, and quickly said "keep!" It made me feel so good that he has happy memories and that he feels safe enough in his home to keep a "baby" toy knowing there is no chance he will be judged or infantilized for it.

Then I had a difficult conversation with my daughter (10) and husband about something that happened in December which dad owed our girl an apology for. My husband, like so many, was raised by wolves and struggles with communication. He's made great strides in our 17 years together but he still struggles with apologies in general and especially apologizing to the kids when he handles something badly. I won't go into minutia but short version adults at school did not communicate with dad thereby making him late for appts. None of this was her fault but he acted like it was and she came home in tears. Next week he will be helping with some dropoffs and I knew we needed to address it. I have acted as mediator for lack of a better word with dad and our son before.

So my daughter asked me to explain for her what was left hanging between them. Well, Mr. I would rather die than apologize proceeds to explain why he was angry and frustrated that day thereby justifying it in his mind, to a 10 year old. Then he said "I'm sorry if I made you feel bad." With little sincerity or contrition. In the past I would've stopped there because he said the words. But I could tell by the look on my girl's face she knew it was a half-assed apology. So I calmly and lovingly used some "I" statements to express how giving a justification for poor behavior and then say "I'm sorry if" doesn't feel like a real apology and that most people need to hear something more like "I'm sorry I handled things badly, hurt your feelings, and I promise to do better." So dad looked at me slightly pained but aware of the difference I pointed out, and he gave her a heart felt apology this time and said "does that help?" She threw her arms around his neck and said enthusiastically "THAT'S more like it." I was so proud of all of us in this moment because we all learned something. Dad learned how to truly apologize and take responsibility, my daughter learned she deserves a real apology, and I learned not to give up because when I keep my cool I can get through a difficult conversation without meltdowns all around.

These moments far outweigh and outnumber any discordance.

[ladysquid]

You're certainly going through a lot but it's great to hear an inventory of happy moments as well.

That little pig story made me smile.